Memory Lane…..literally 

I was working, which involves going to people’s houses. I had been asked to go to a city a distance away and I wasn’t at all happy about it. As I was getting closer though I realized I was headed straight for our old “stomping grounds”. Where he lived, where his best friend lived, where he worked, where his sister lived, where I drove so many times over a five year span. 

I realized as I got closer to “that exit”, I was pleading with my GPS not to tell me it was the exit I needed to take. Well I decided long ago my GPS hates me any damn way, so of course that was my exit. Suddenly I was in the center of a vortex of memories. 

And I couldn’t breathe. My heart was racing, I was sweating, I was shaking. I had to stop at a gas station. It took me 40 minutes before I could make myself drive. I really never thought I would have that much of a reaction, I thought I was past a lot of that bullshit…….but I’ve thought that several times before and I’m always wrong. 

Welcome Back

“What the fuck?” stopped covering it a long time ago. Seriously. I could ask myself “is he serious?” But the answer is always YES.

So I got on a dating site awhile back……if you haven’t done this and you actually want to meet a “nice guy”, don’t bother. If you are looking for A+ entertainment….go for it.

Anyway, this idiot lived here for 4+ years, has my number, Facebook messenger, email; you know, all the conventional ways you might contact your daughter’s mother or maybe YOUR WIFE. But we’re dealing with an illogical person. He writes me on March 25th on this dating site….that I haven’t been on in forever. I didn’t even see it until May 1st. Here’s what my little love muffin had to say;

“I can’t believe you’re still on here. Smh…Hope you guys are alright. Hope, even more you wished the same for me. I need those papers from you. Let me go or say something. We both know, you’ve known where you can find me the whole time.”

And then he deleted that profile. Did I mention he has me blocked on Facebook, he changes his number as much as he does girlfriends and who the fuck knows where he lives! Yet, “we both know, blah, blah, blah”

Let me interpret this into sociopathic language; “I’m a loser (ok, maybe i added that for fun) I can’t keep a girlfriend anymore, I want to remind you we are still married (after all, it used to mean something so let me try to play on your heart strings), and I hope you feel guilty for not taking care of me and this is your fault because you know how to find me. Has it been long enough for you to have come to your senses (aka; forgot i was an abusive asshole) because i need someone to support me.” Oh yeah, and then I’m going to block you because that’s always been a wonderful way to screw with you.

IF I could reply; “Dear darling husband, you are still here too or you couldn’t have messaged me. Hope you rot in hell. Hope, even more….IT’S REAL DAMN HOT! You don’t need shit from me. I DID let you go and said a whole lot in the process. And we both know, you’re full of shit.”

I love it (not so much) when people think his absence means he’s gone.

Bye Bye Baby

April 17, 2016.

That’s the last time I was face to face with the person that created this never ending hurricane.

That’s the last time my daughter saw her father.

That’s the last time my stepson saw him in person.

It seems like so long ago. I remember asking him for months if he wanted to see them and he kept telling me how busy he was….oh yeah, he had gotten a new job and predictably, he was stellar. They were ready to make him a supervisor after a month. Haha, everything with him was enormously over inflated. I remember my daughter staring at the ground and she wouldn’t look at him for a long time. I remember him telling his son all about going to some stupid shit (a go cart speedway or something) and thinking how that must make him feel.

His son used to text him and message him. His father no longer replies to those texts or messages. At all.

He will when he needs something he can use his son for…..

A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left………..

He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he was being kicked out, the sheriff would be showing up to make him leave, he’d never be allowed back or he’d be arrested. He kept repeating his son would be “snatched” out of here soon and I didn’t care. I was only thinking about myself. I was stealing his kids, leaving their father homeless. I was selfish, hypocritical, evil, heartless, a cunt, a bitch. He had his son sobbing hysterically, he had two of my kids glaring at me, my daughter crying, and me not at all shocked. All I could do was watch, anything else would have been fuel. Despite begging him not to do this in front of them. He left in a shower of glory. A day we’ll all remember forever.

Things did not magically get easier, in fact he paid me back, and I’m still cleaning up the damage, but I’ve become one of the strongest women I’ve ever met! One day I hope my story helps me save a family from hell; just like two very strong women I’ve never even met did for me.

He Was A Busy Bee

It’s been 9 months and I’m still baffled by the crap I find out. I stopped looking long ago but every once in awhile a nugget of “holy shit” information falls into my lap. While I was sleeping (instead of drinking and acting like a damn fool) my darling husband was calling people and pouring his awful, sad, pitiful, lonely, abandoned story out to whoever would listen. Or rather yet, to whoever would give him money.

So the story goes that I kicked him and my stepson out of the house and they were on the street with nowhere to go. He desperately needed money to get them a hotel room to stay in for awhile. He was in such despair and felt so hopeless that he saw no other way than to commit suicide if he didn’t get money for them. <<<< are you fucking kidding me?? Yet another example of the twisted shit they come up with and how they will use their own children for their personal gain.

This was around the time he rented an SUV and left for a month. He wouldn’t tell me where he was, but he told his son he went on a business trip to Texas. However, if stalking me was the same as going to Texas, than I guess that’s what he did. There were 5 people sending him a decent amount of money every week or whatever. Until they caught on one at a time and cut him off.

Ironically, I had enough of his shit and screwed up games and had finally seen an open doorway. I told him not to come back, that he left. Period. When the money well ran dry guess what? He miraculously loved us so much and desperately wanted to work on his marriage. I knew he only came back because he ran out of money, I just didn’t have the source or anything to back it up.

When he came back and I had no choice about it, I became severely depressed. Again. I still worked and took care of kids. He curled up on the damn couch, stayed in the next room with headphones on, or followed me around begging me to “fix my marriage”. For almost another full month, every day was a psychological torture session. He’d even wake me up to ask me why i didn’t love him anymore.

Round and Round

I don’t really give a shit what you want to call it anymore. PTSD, C-PTSD, narcisstic abuse syndrome; it’s all the same hell. You’re on a hamster wheel and you can’t get off. You go through all the stages of grief and think you’re ok or at least headed in that direction, but FUCK NO! Surprise, you get to do it again and again and again and again. Groundhog Day. Only it isn’t really funny.

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And Life Keeps Going

I’m still fucked up in ways most people can’t imagine. I am multiple people and nobody knows or sees the full me. I still have bad dreams and panic attacks. I still feel alone most of the time and terribly misunderstood. I desperately want to feel safe, but trust no one and nothing. Everything I see and hear is up for scrutiny. Nothing is as simple as it probably should be………

This is a box. ~But what are you hiding in that box? Where was that box taken from? Why does one wall of that box seem like a different color? If it’s empty, what are you going to stuff into it? And when? Why do you want me to believe it’s just a box?

DO YOU SEE MY ISSUES WITH LIFE?

The other night I dreamt he was standing behind me at my left shoulder and I don’t remember what he was bitching about. But I remember that familiar feeling of don’t move, don’t react, don’t look scared, don’t look zoned out, don’t jump. My son later that same day told me that he dreamt his darling step dad was in the house, not saying a word, just walking around. I said that’s weird because I had a dream about him last night as well. Within the hour he showed up on my missed call list. He hasn’t texted or called in a month. My son said “mom, are you sure he doesn’t have a microphone in here somewhere?” What can I realistically say? “No, I can’t be sure because if I thought of it then he thought of it months ago.”

I don’t know if the bigger demons live within me or outside of me anymore.

 

Drunk Much

I think he’s mad. Just kidding; i know he is! I sent him the papers for custody court over his son. I would call this an over reaction at best. HE has legal custody of his son, if he gave a shit this would be playing out different. However, it’s more fun to say your wife “tricked” you into signing over custody and then tried to have you locked away. Dumbass…….if I could have you locked away, I would have played that card long ago.

He’s been asking about seeing the kids Tuesday. I never believe it’s them that he wants to see…..I think he just wants to gauge my loyalty meter. Which has dropped to basically nothing. After this temper tantrum I’ll be curious if he texts me about it anymore.

His thoughts for today;

“That ain’t got a GODAMNED thing to do with what i texted you about. I haven’t been served so you can both kiss my ass. Fuck YOU! for allowing this to happen. Blame what and what you want? You’re still a lying cheating whore. Idc what you say … Can I see my good damned children????! That’s all the convo I want to have with you! (bitch) “
“You gave my number to (his ex wife)!!
Really???
“Fuck you – you heartless selfish whore of a cunt . I hope you die. You can both take me to court and I’ll gladly sit there and fucking rot before I out up with one more second of either one of you guys’ vagina monologues. I hate you both – you are a horrible PERSON. maybe your new dick will say different – but I know what I brought to the table and I’m finally glad at how much I was able to take with me. Wrap up the divorce papers. I want to be as far away from you as I possibly can. I also miss my daughter abd want some ki d of ability to be whatever part of her life that I can. That shit with (ex wife) though? Yeah …. Me and you will never be ok again

…. You think I’m nuts? God forbid someone actually get in your head … You are way more certifiable than I’ll ever be. (Bitch! … Holy shit, how I loath you)”

Happiness

I’m having this moment. Of actual happiness and I wanted to write it down before it went away. To remember that it’s possible. I have a good friend back in my life that he made sure to cut me off from. I started seeing somebody who hasn’t started off anything like my ex. So I’m just holding my breath and praying for the best. I have a stepson that no matter what, I will love forever, and no matter what he’ll know I loved him enough to make sure he came out of this with the rest of us. I have a beautiful daughter who’s only chance at having her own happy life is to keep him from ever getting into her head. And I finally faced the last war story I had. The worst thing he ever did to me, he did at the very beginning of our relationship.  I want him behind me. I want to “move on”. I survived walking through hell and never thought I’d see a light. But I made it. Right now I feel blessed and happy. Right now I feel like I can trust myself; just a little bit. Right now I’m allowing myself to have some faith; in myself and in the people who say they care about me.

Even if it only lasts a minute, at least he isn’t here to take it away from me.❣❣

Cognitive Dissonance 

Thanks to the darling husband, I’ve been able to expand my educational horizon.

“Cognitive dissonance is a concept in social psychology. It is the discomfort felt by a person who holds conflicting ideas, beliefs or values at the same time. In this state, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. Reacting to this unpleasant state, people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance was developed to predict and explain how people reacted to this situation.”

Narcissistic abuse causes cognitive dissonance. Then they use it to keep you in a constant state of chaos. I don’t know if they all do, but mine could rationalize anything he wanted to. He could later contradict his rationale and make that sound 100% rational. At first, it was a trait I liked about him; the ability to make sense out of certain feelings, emotions, events, ect. I would say “he kept me grounded” when I’d over react or have so much emotion about something and couldn’t think rationally. But the other side of the coin was revealed and when I would think or feel a way about him or his behavior, he’d rationalize it away 100%.

I guess eventually I stopped turning to myself for insight. Because he always rationalized the things I was clearly over reacting about. After five years, not trusting myself or my reactions and questioning everything around me became normal. Before we separated, he just knew I had to be listening to someone else. “Who’s filling your head with all of this?” “You need to stop listening to whoever you’re talking to and come to your senses..” <<<< so he knew I couldn’t think without his rationale. Somehow, from somewhere, I finally found my voice and I didn’t have to listen to anyone else.

I woke up one day and realized it was almost crippling. Where would I turn for rational thinking when I couldn’t think rationally? How was I supposed to feel or react to things when the “voice of reason” wasn’t there to tell me how? When it came to him, I learned. His rationales no longer made sense at all. In fact, a lot of what he said didn’t even make sense anymore.

Cognitive dissonance remains a daily part of my existence. Every single new situation. Every single person I know or meet. I think this is why so many victims escape only to find themselves victims again. We’re so busy telling ourselves that we are being hyper vigilant and we have to learn to trust people again. I have found the better I know how my psyche was taken hostage; the better I am at trusting myself and hopefully someday, other people.