Memory Lane…..literally 

I was working, which involves going to people’s houses. I had been asked to go to a city a distance away and I wasn’t at all happy about it. As I was getting closer though I realized I was headed straight for our old “stomping grounds”. Where he lived, where his best friend lived, where he worked, where his sister lived, where I drove so many times over a five year span. 

I realized as I got closer to “that exit”, I was pleading with my GPS not to tell me it was the exit I needed to take. Well I decided long ago my GPS hates me any damn way, so of course that was my exit. Suddenly I was in the center of a vortex of memories. 

And I couldn’t breathe. My heart was racing, I was sweating, I was shaking. I had to stop at a gas station. It took me 40 minutes before I could make myself drive. I really never thought I would have that much of a reaction, I thought I was past a lot of that bullshit…….but I’ve thought that several times before and I’m always wrong. 

Welcome Back

“What the fuck?” stopped covering it a long time ago. Seriously. I could ask myself “is he serious?” But the answer is always YES.

So I got on a dating site awhile back……if you haven’t done this and you actually want to meet a “nice guy”, don’t bother. If you are looking for A+ entertainment….go for it.

Anyway, this idiot lived here for 4+ years, has my number, Facebook messenger, email; you know, all the conventional ways you might contact your daughter’s mother or maybe YOUR WIFE. But we’re dealing with an illogical person. He writes me on March 25th on this dating site….that I haven’t been on in forever. I didn’t even see it until May 1st. Here’s what my little love muffin had to say;

“I can’t believe you’re still on here. Smh…Hope you guys are alright. Hope, even more you wished the same for me. I need those papers from you. Let me go or say something. We both know, you’ve known where you can find me the whole time.”

And then he deleted that profile. Did I mention he has me blocked on Facebook, he changes his number as much as he does girlfriends and who the fuck knows where he lives! Yet, “we both know, blah, blah, blah”

Let me interpret this into sociopathic language; “I’m a loser (ok, maybe i added that for fun) I can’t keep a girlfriend anymore, I want to remind you we are still married (after all, it used to mean something so let me try to play on your heart strings), and I hope you feel guilty for not taking care of me and this is your fault because you know how to find me. Has it been long enough for you to have come to your senses (aka; forgot i was an abusive asshole) because i need someone to support me.” Oh yeah, and then I’m going to block you because that’s always been a wonderful way to screw with you.

IF I could reply; “Dear darling husband, you are still here too or you couldn’t have messaged me. Hope you rot in hell. Hope, even more….IT’S REAL DAMN HOT! You don’t need shit from me. I DID let you go and said a whole lot in the process. And we both know, you’re full of shit.”

I love it (not so much) when people think his absence means he’s gone.

Bye Bye Baby

April 17, 2016.

That’s the last time I was face to face with the person that created this never ending hurricane.

That’s the last time my daughter saw her father.

That’s the last time my stepson saw him in person.

It seems like so long ago. I remember asking him for months if he wanted to see them and he kept telling me how busy he was….oh yeah, he had gotten a new job and predictably, he was stellar. They were ready to make him a supervisor after a month. Haha, everything with him was enormously over inflated. I remember my daughter staring at the ground and she wouldn’t look at him for a long time. I remember him telling his son all about going to some stupid shit (a go cart speedway or something) and thinking how that must make him feel.

His son used to text him and message him. His father no longer replies to those texts or messages. At all.

He will when he needs something he can use his son for…..

A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left………..

He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he was being kicked out, the sheriff would be showing up to make him leave, he’d never be allowed back or he’d be arrested. He kept repeating his son would be “snatched” out of here soon and I didn’t care. I was only thinking about myself. I was stealing his kids, leaving their father homeless. I was selfish, hypocritical, evil, heartless, a cunt, a bitch. He had his son sobbing hysterically, he had two of my kids glaring at me, my daughter crying, and me not at all shocked. All I could do was watch, anything else would have been fuel. Despite begging him not to do this in front of them. He left in a shower of glory. A day we’ll all remember forever.

Things did not magically get easier, in fact he paid me back, and I’m still cleaning up the damage, but I’ve become one of the strongest women I’ve ever met! One day I hope my story helps me save a family from hell; just like two very strong women I’ve never even met did for me.

He Was A Busy Bee

It’s been 9 months and I’m still baffled by the crap I find out. I stopped looking long ago but every once in awhile a nugget of “holy shit” information falls into my lap. While I was sleeping (instead of drinking and acting like a damn fool) my darling husband was calling people and pouring his awful, sad, pitiful, lonely, abandoned story out to whoever would listen. Or rather yet, to whoever would give him money.

So the story goes that I kicked him and my stepson out of the house and they were on the street with nowhere to go. He desperately needed money to get them a hotel room to stay in for awhile. He was in such despair and felt so hopeless that he saw no other way than to commit suicide if he didn’t get money for them. <<<< are you fucking kidding me?? Yet another example of the twisted shit they come up with and how they will use their own children for their personal gain.

This was around the time he rented an SUV and left for a month. He wouldn’t tell me where he was, but he told his son he went on a business trip to Texas. However, if stalking me was the same as going to Texas, than I guess that’s what he did. There were 5 people sending him a decent amount of money every week or whatever. Until they caught on one at a time and cut him off.

Ironically, I had enough of his shit and screwed up games and had finally seen an open doorway. I told him not to come back, that he left. Period. When the money well ran dry guess what? He miraculously loved us so much and desperately wanted to work on his marriage. I knew he only came back because he ran out of money, I just didn’t have the source or anything to back it up.

When he came back and I had no choice about it, I became severely depressed. Again. I still worked and took care of kids. He curled up on the damn couch, stayed in the next room with headphones on, or followed me around begging me to “fix my marriage”. For almost another full month, every day was a psychological torture session. He’d even wake me up to ask me why i didn’t love him anymore.

Round and Round

I don’t really give a shit what you want to call it anymore. PTSD, C-PTSD, narcisstic abuse syndrome; it’s all the same hell. You’re on a hamster wheel and you can’t get off. You go through all the stages of grief and think you’re ok or at least headed in that direction, but FUCK NO! Surprise, you get to do it again and again and again and again. Groundhog Day. Only it isn’t really funny.


And Life Keeps Going

I’m still fucked up in ways most people can’t imagine. I am multiple people and nobody knows or sees the full me. I still have bad dreams and panic attacks. I still feel alone most of the time and terribly misunderstood. I desperately want to feel safe, but trust no one and nothing. Everything I see and hear is up for scrutiny. Nothing is as simple as it probably should be………

This is a box. ~But what are you hiding in that box? Where was that box taken from? Why does one wall of that box seem like a different color? If it’s empty, what are you going to stuff into it? And when? Why do you want me to believe it’s just a box?


The other night I dreamt he was standing behind me at my left shoulder and I don’t remember what he was bitching about. But I remember that familiar feeling of don’t move, don’t react, don’t look scared, don’t look zoned out, don’t jump. My son later that same day told me that he dreamt his darling step dad was in the house, not saying a word, just walking around. I said that’s weird because I had a dream about him last night as well. Within the hour he showed up on my missed call list. He hasn’t texted or called in a month. My son said “mom, are you sure he doesn’t have a microphone in here somewhere?” What can I realistically say? “No, I can’t be sure because if I thought of it then he thought of it months ago.”

I don’t know if the bigger demons live within me or outside of me anymore.