I Can’t Find My Way Home

My children hate me. At least the youngest two, after all, they tell me all the time. Everyday.

I think I’d hate me too. I’ve recently placed a word with it; disengaged. I used to be what I considered to be a really good mother. I stress “used to be”. I took for granted that would ever change, because nobody sets out to become a crappy parent. I didn’t plan on having a “vacation” from being a happy mother, who loved all of the fun things that come along with childhood.

Now I have no reserve. Everything is too loud, too chaotic, too stressful. I’m tired.

I was ok with some of this in a way because I would heal and eventually begin to recognize myself again. But it’s been well over a year and plan A isn’t working. The problem is, there was no other plan.

“Mom we really don’t do anything anymore.” What do you say? One of the easiest ways to deal with life and all the judgement waiting outside, is to simply never leave your comfort zone.

Something has to change. I just don’t know how to fix it. One day I’m going to wake up and they are going to be gone; moved out, started their own lives. And I’m going to have missed it because I couldn’t bring myself back into the real world. They’ll tell stories of growing up with a mother who was depressed, isolated, irritated, and…..disengaged. Regret, shame and embarrassment fill the empty spaces in my head. The spaces that aren’t already filled with sadness, self-doubt and paranoia.

I don’t want to be the person I was pre-abusive husband. But I don’t want to be the person I am now either.

“From the start

She knew she had it made .Easy up ’til then

For sure she’d make the grade. Adorers came in hordes

To lay down in her wake. She gave it all she had

But treasures slowly fade. Now she’s falling hard

She feels the fall of dark. How did this fall apart

She drinks to fill it up. A smile of sweetest flowers

Wilted so and soured. Black tears stain the cheeks

That once were so admired. She thinks when she was small

There on her father’s knee. How he had promised her

You’ll always be my baby. Daddy come quick

The dreaming tree has died. I can’t find my way home

There is no place to hide. The dreaming tree has died”~ Dave Matthews Band

Memory Lane…..literally 

I was working, which involves going to people’s houses. I had been asked to go to a city a distance away and I wasn’t at all happy about it. As I was getting closer though I realized I was headed straight for our old “stomping grounds”. Where he lived, where his best friend lived, where he worked, where his sister lived, where I drove so many times over a five year span. 

I realized as I got closer to “that exit”, I was pleading with my GPS not to tell me it was the exit I needed to take. Well I decided long ago my GPS hates me any damn way, so of course that was my exit. Suddenly I was in the center of a vortex of memories. 

And I couldn’t breathe. My heart was racing, I was sweating, I was shaking. I had to stop at a gas station. It took me 40 minutes before I could make myself drive. I really never thought I would have that much of a reaction, I thought I was past a lot of that bullshit…….but I’ve thought that several times before and I’m always wrong. 

Welcome Back

“What the fuck?” stopped covering it a long time ago. Seriously. I could ask myself “is he serious?” But the answer is always YES.

So I got on a dating site awhile back……if you haven’t done this and you actually want to meet a “nice guy”, don’t bother. If you are looking for A+ entertainment….go for it.

Anyway, this idiot lived here for 4+ years, has my number, Facebook messenger, email; you know, all the conventional ways you might contact your daughter’s mother or maybe YOUR WIFE. But we’re dealing with an illogical person. He writes me on March 25th on this dating site….that I haven’t been on in forever. I didn’t even see it until May 1st. Here’s what my little love muffin had to say;

“I can’t believe you’re still on here. Smh…Hope you guys are alright. Hope, even more you wished the same for me. I need those papers from you. Let me go or say something. We both know, you’ve known where you can find me the whole time.”

And then he deleted that profile. Did I mention he has me blocked on Facebook, he changes his number as much as he does girlfriends and who the fuck knows where he lives! Yet, “we both know, blah, blah, blah”

Let me interpret this into sociopathic language; “I’m a loser (ok, maybe i added that for fun) I can’t keep a girlfriend anymore, I want to remind you we are still married (after all, it used to mean something so let me try to play on your heart strings), and I hope you feel guilty for not taking care of me and this is your fault because you know how to find me. Has it been long enough for you to have come to your senses (aka; forgot i was an abusive asshole) because i need someone to support me.” Oh yeah, and then I’m going to block you because that’s always been a wonderful way to screw with you.

IF I could reply; “Dear darling husband, you are still here too or you couldn’t have messaged me. Hope you rot in hell. Hope, even more….IT’S REAL DAMN HOT! You don’t need shit from me. I DID let you go and said a whole lot in the process. And we both know, you’re full of shit.”

I love it (not so much) when people think his absence means he’s gone.

The Past Is Your Home

     I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make sense out of something that will never be comprehensible. I am so out of touch with just about everyone in my life, or anyone that USED to be in my life. I don’t know how to make it stop. It used to be that I simply couldn’t relate with anyone on any everyday level. Then it felt like things were getting better, I was gaining ground and moving forward. When I stopped for a moment to take inventory, there was no one there. As I looked around, no one was standing there. Not even the people that just stuck around to watch me fail. How did I get here?

       In exactly one week will be our two year anniversary. Two years of being married, for 6 months. I’m married. I have a husband. I’m someone’s wife. I have a wedding ring and a few pictures to prove it. As that two year date approaches, I am more heartbroken now than I was nearing our one year anniversary. 

        I wait patiently to find out what next week will bring. I’ve been nonexistent to him for almost a year now (except the occasional cussing out I’ve received). But as we all know, sociopaths are unpredictable in their timing. Although predictable in their actions. 

        I’m falling off a cliff. Becoming more isolated, more angry, more apathetic. Becoming someone that I completely do not recognize. 

A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left………..

He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he was being kicked out, the sheriff would be showing up to make him leave, he’d never be allowed back or he’d be arrested. He kept repeating his son would be “snatched” out of here soon and I didn’t care. I was only thinking about myself. I was stealing his kids, leaving their father homeless. I was selfish, hypocritical, evil, heartless, a cunt, a bitch. He had his son sobbing hysterically, he had two of my kids glaring at me, my daughter crying, and me not at all shocked. All I could do was watch, anything else would have been fuel. Despite begging him not to do this in front of them. He left in a shower of glory. A day we’ll all remember forever.

Things did not magically get easier, in fact he paid me back, and I’m still cleaning up the damage, but I’ve become one of the strongest women I’ve ever met! One day I hope my story helps me save a family from hell; just like two very strong women I’ve never even met did for me.

Gotta Love Technology

I think it was July or August when he started questioning my location at just the right moment. He made life hell one morning as I was leaving for work (I wrote about it awhile back). After finally falling apart, a co-worker told me to go downtown and talk to the magistrate. I discovered they aren’t open in my county on weekends. He showed up at my job, which is 40 minutes away and he had no car. It got to the point where I would leave the normal path home and he’d immediately start texting some shitty crap to me. Within minutes. It was obvious. I tried twice to go downtown and ask for help, both times the minute my tires left the interstate he was texting. I needed my car worked on and left, but didn’t go where I originally had planned to go. (it was still regarding my car) He started texting the minute my car left the city. I remember texting him on my way home once, he had actually gone off to god knows where for days. But the closer I got to the house, the more insistent he got in demanding I answer his texts quicker. Then it hit me “that fucker knows I’m almost home”!! Sure as hell, I could see the AC condensation on the driveway (most people would think that was crazy, but live in my world for a minute)

So just a few days ago someone was working on my car and found a box that was lit up. When I googled it; sure as shit! It was a GPS tracker. A few people have asked me if I feel “vindicated”. Well no, I quit caring if anyone believed me long ago. I did however feel like I was gonna throw up. What area of my life was only mine? ANY?!? And that has been there this whole time, a year later I find it. What am I going to find next? Cause we all know he’s not done with me. Not by a long shot. 

Reflections of the Day

I am weeks away from hitting that moment one year ago where he left in a blaze of glory. Why am I still on this fucking roller coaster? Why am I ok for weeks, long enough to think I’m ok, just to go all the back to square one?

I’m not ok. My children are not ok. And you know what sucks?!? Getting help for them NOW is just as hard as getting help for all of us was back then. WHY?

I also find out this week when exactly we go back to court. Four addresses and a month of newspaper ads just to get this sorry son of a bitch served. He dodged it for a year. Amazing. I looked at his Facebook page today……yeah, I know. Don’t do that. I’ll give you three guesses on the number of photos he has of his children or even any indication he ever had a life in this place………ZERO.

Yes, he looks happy with his new victim. But he also looks drunk and high. Some things never change. By the way, that is the same supply that messaged me a few months back. Just another human that sold her soul to the devil.

Round and Round

I don’t really give a shit what you want to call it anymore. PTSD, C-PTSD, narcisstic abuse syndrome; it’s all the same hell. You’re on a hamster wheel and you can’t get off. You go through all the stages of grief and think you’re ok or at least headed in that direction, but FUCK NO! Surprise, you get to do it again and again and again and again. Groundhog Day. Only it isn’t really funny.

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And Life Keeps Going

I’m still fucked up in ways most people can’t imagine. I am multiple people and nobody knows or sees the full me. I still have bad dreams and panic attacks. I still feel alone most of the time and terribly misunderstood. I desperately want to feel safe, but trust no one and nothing. Everything I see and hear is up for scrutiny. Nothing is as simple as it probably should be………

This is a box. ~But what are you hiding in that box? Where was that box taken from? Why does one wall of that box seem like a different color? If it’s empty, what are you going to stuff into it? And when? Why do you want me to believe it’s just a box?

DO YOU SEE MY ISSUES WITH LIFE?

The other night I dreamt he was standing behind me at my left shoulder and I don’t remember what he was bitching about. But I remember that familiar feeling of don’t move, don’t react, don’t look scared, don’t look zoned out, don’t jump. My son later that same day told me that he dreamt his darling step dad was in the house, not saying a word, just walking around. I said that’s weird because I had a dream about him last night as well. Within the hour he showed up on my missed call list. He hasn’t texted or called in a month. My son said “mom, are you sure he doesn’t have a microphone in here somewhere?” What can I realistically say? “No, I can’t be sure because if I thought of it then he thought of it months ago.”

I don’t know if the bigger demons live within me or outside of me anymore.

 

Happiness

I’m having this moment. Of actual happiness and I wanted to write it down before it went away. To remember that it’s possible. I have a good friend back in my life that he made sure to cut me off from. I started seeing somebody who hasn’t started off anything like my ex. So I’m just holding my breath and praying for the best. I have a stepson that no matter what, I will love forever, and no matter what he’ll know I loved him enough to make sure he came out of this with the rest of us. I have a beautiful daughter who’s only chance at having her own happy life is to keep him from ever getting into her head. And I finally faced the last war story I had. The worst thing he ever did to me, he did at the very beginning of our relationship.  I want him behind me. I want to “move on”. I survived walking through hell and never thought I’d see a light. But I made it. Right now I feel blessed and happy. Right now I feel like I can trust myself; just a little bit. Right now I’m allowing myself to have some faith; in myself and in the people who say they care about me.

Even if it only lasts a minute, at least he isn’t here to take it away from me.❣❣