Finally Moving On

This will start out as a boring story, but stick with me........ It's been three years since I actually talked to a male long enough to develop any sort of interest, and I wasn't planning on it when it started about 7 weeks ago. We never did actually meet in person, although we actively made … Continue reading Finally Moving On

The Sun On The Horizon

3+ years my child was falling down an endless well....... You don't have to look too far down the archive list to find that time when I just knew I had lost my youngest son forever. He hated me, he told me how he planned to kill me, my presence simply made him mad. He … Continue reading The Sun On The Horizon

This Week

It feels inevitable now; Just when the light begins to shine brighter, an eclipse begins again. This was a bad week. This was a "hide the knives from the eight year old" week. This was a "holy shit, this can't be happening!" week. This was a "oh look, another fake profile just to remind me … Continue reading This Week

The Climb Continues

It seems like so long ago. But it still feels like yesterday. Some things have gotten better, some have gotten worse, and still some have stayed the same. I was thinking about it one night and I have been giving myself the "you'll heal with time" speech for a really long time now. So I … Continue reading The Climb Continues

I Can’t Find My Way Home

My children hate me. At least the youngest two, after all, they tell me all the time. Everyday. I think I’d hate me too. I’ve recently placed a word with it; disengaged. I used to be what I considered to be a really good mother. I stress “used to be”. I took for granted that … Continue reading I Can’t Find My Way Home

Memory Lane…..literally 

I was working, which involves going to people's houses. I had been asked to go to a city a distance away and I wasn't at all happy about it. As I was getting closer though I realized I was headed straight for our old "stomping grounds". Where he lived, where his best friend lived, where … Continue reading Memory Lane…..literally 

Welcome Back

"What the fuck?" stopped covering it a long time ago. Seriously. I could ask myself "is he serious?" But the answer is always YES. So I got on a dating site awhile back......if you haven't done this and you actually want to meet a "nice guy", don't bother. If you are looking for A+ entertainment....go … Continue reading Welcome Back

The Past Is Your Home

     I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make sense out of something that will never be comprehensible. I am so out of touch with just about everyone in my life, or anyone that USED to be in my life. I don't know how to make it stop. It used to be … Continue reading The Past Is Your Home

A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left........... He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he … Continue reading A Year Ago Today…..

Gotta Love Technology

I think it was July or August when he started questioning my location at just the right moment. He made life hell one morning as I was leaving for work (I wrote about it awhile back). After finally falling apart, a co-worker told me to go downtown and talk to the magistrate. I discovered they … Continue reading Gotta Love Technology

Reflections of the Day

I am weeks away from hitting that moment one year ago where he left in a blaze of glory. Why am I still on this fucking roller coaster? Why am I ok for weeks, long enough to think I'm ok, just to go all the back to square one? I'm not ok. My children are … Continue reading Reflections of the Day

Round and Round

I don't really give a shit what you want to call it anymore. PTSD, C-PTSD, narcisstic abuse syndrome; it's all the same hell. You're on a hamster wheel and you can't get off. You go through all the stages of grief and think you're ok or at least headed in that direction, but FUCK NO! … Continue reading Round and Round

And Life Keeps Going

I'm still fucked up in ways most people can't imagine. I am multiple people and nobody knows or sees the full me. I still have bad dreams and panic attacks. I still feel alone most of the time and terribly misunderstood. I desperately want to feel safe, but trust no one and nothing. Everything I … Continue reading And Life Keeps Going

Happiness

I'm having this moment. Of actual happiness and I wanted to write it down before it went away. To remember that it's possible. I have a good friend back in my life that he made sure to cut me off from. I started seeing somebody who hasn't started off anything like my ex. So I'm … Continue reading Happiness

Cognitive Dissonance 

Thanks to the darling husband, I've been able to expand my educational horizon. "Cognitive dissonance is a concept in social psychology. It is the discomfort felt by a person who holds conflicting ideas, beliefs or values at the same time. In this state, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. Reacting to this … Continue reading Cognitive Dissonance 

Never Again 

😳 OMG. They DO all go to the same class!! I saw this guy TWICE. I asked him a question he didn't like and he went off on me. I recognized too many words from a script I've been in before. I left him alone per his request. True to narsisstic form; they want you … Continue reading Never Again 

It’s In The Eyes

He came over last week sometime and he was just sitting in front of me and I could see him working up the tears......and it hit me! His eyes aren't blue anymore! They are gray, and the center seems much more deeply black and empty. It took me by surprise to the point where I … Continue reading It’s In The Eyes

Happy Anniversary 

One year ago. Today. I married the man I am now separated from. I thought I'd be indifferent today, but I'm not. I'd like to crawl into a closet with a bottle of wine, or two or three. At the same time, I guess marrying me actually did me a favor. It gave him the … Continue reading Happy Anniversary 

That’s A Wrap!

When they no longer need you for anything; that's it. Nothing. No calls. No texts. No goodbye. That's just it. You can feel it in your heart or soul or whatever. The emptiness. And that's what came to mind......... You're standing there and you find out you were on a movie set and he was … Continue reading That’s A Wrap!

Twenty Years From Now, Twenty Years Ago

I was at work a few days ago and having a hard time focusing, thinking, interacting, ect (I understand this to be part of PTSD) I had a co-worker who is not aware of the current events taking place in my life, she just could tell it was a bad day. She was talking and … Continue reading Twenty Years From Now, Twenty Years Ago