Panic Attack #3

He was at the house this weekend watching two of the kids so I could go to work. I don’t like it and I don’t feel comfortable, but I have few choices. I came home after 12 hours of work and all I wanted was my routine. But it was all thrown off; he was in “my” chair, with the baby asleep (and of course she was up bright eyed at 4am) I didn’t want to talk to him. So I just came to my room and got in bed. I was texting a friend and I could hear his footsteps and he came to the door and with that damn same voice (I know you think that’s crazy sounding) he asked what’s wrong, what did he do, what can he get me, please tell him what’s wrong, why I’m not talking… me the fake puppy dog look of care and concern. I didn’t answer. But he stood there and I felt myself go right back to the nights of endless lectures. It’s a defeating feeling you can’t describe. I can almost feel my soul go hide, and I heard it all in my head, he’s fussing cause I won’t talk and he’s telling me all the great things he’s done today or he’s giving me the educated lecture on how adults are supposed to have a conversation and I needed to act like one and give him answers. I saw it all playing out in my head, just like the two times before. And he just stood there looking at me and I had already gone back to that place of feeling like death would be better than this. I finally said how long are you going to stand there? And he walked away. My heart pounding, my mind racing, my anxiety through the roof and I just wanted to run. It reminds me of that old show Quantum Leap. You’re right there one minute and something triggers the universe to instantly suck you into a whole different time and you see all of it playing out the way it had, except this time it’s in fast forward. I never understood until it happened to me. I didn’t see it coming. It’s been 3 or 4 months and I did not see it coming at all.


Summer Fun

July 15, 2015

He was outside with a friend. He came into the house every 30 minutes or so and smelled like alcohol. I tried to ignore his presence but each time he would come into the bedroom and have more crap to say about how awful I am. This went on for several hours. Each time he came into the house he was more angry than the previous time.

He told me that he was going to kill himself. He said he would take my car and run it off of a bridge. He also said he was going to take my keys and show me “how much control he could really have”. He said a few times “I have nothing to lose anymore. Do you know how much fun a man can have when he doesn’t think he has anything to lose? Do you know how much you truly fucked up? Do you realize making me your enemy was really fucking stupid? You know you never wanted to make me your enemy. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

I do recall when he said he’d run my car off of a bridge I replied “but I need my car to go to work”. I was in a whole twilight zone mindset by this point; clearly he was “crushed” that’s what I replied with.
All I could do was stare at him and shake my head yes to all of these questions. I took my purse and keys into my room and he went into a rage. Told me I was a selfish bitch, a judgmental bitch, ect. He spit in my direction before storming out.

Just Another Drunken Tale

December 2011

About 3 years or so ago he left and ended up in downtown. I think we had been arguing and he said he just needed to get away. He called me up to inform me he was staying at a hotel for a few days 😳 WHAT?!? Thanks for the warning. He apparently was drunk one night and we were on the phone. He said “don’t you have anything you want to ask me?” And I really didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. And he said “don’t you ever wonder about the gaps in my past?” Well now that you mention it…….NO. So the story goes he joined the military, went to boot camp, ended up in a fight with a few guys in a bathroom and beat one of them into a coma. Not being sure what to do with him, the military put him in military jail. He spent many months there, allowed outside twice a day for a few minutes, and was allowed a shower in the morning, but if you overslept then you’d have to wait until tomorrow. Finally after those many months someone opened the door and let him out. He was sent home and erased from military records.

I recently heard the version he gave to his ex-wife, that one involved going overseas and having to kill people.

Does this sound remotely plausible? The correct answer is no.

The Arrest

October 2011

We were in the car one afternoon at the beginning of our relationship. This random guy shows up and he shoos the guy away. I said “what was that about”? His reply “he owes me money and i don’t want to deal with him right now.”

I’m not a stupid person (I promise, really I’m not) so I said if you’re doing anything dumb you need to know I’ll be out of here so fast your head will spin! He didn’t really say anything. Later that night he confessed and said the guy owed him money for a pain pill. He said his sister was trying to sell pills for extra money because she was a single mom. Him being the protective big brother, was just helping her because she didn’t have a lot of street smarts. He promised me he just wouldn’t do that anymore. It wasn’t important to him and he’d rather have me around.

It seems like it was a Thursday, but I don’t remember exactly. I kept texting him and he’d never reply, after awhile I got worried and texted his sister and she never replied either. Like most normal people, I was getting worried. That evening I got a phone call and the lady on the other end asked if I was who I am…..and I said yes and she handed the phone over to him. He was sobbing “I’m so sorry! I promise I stopped when I said I would! My charges are all before I promised you that I wouldn’t do it anymore! I swear!” And his sister was in jail too. In fact four people that all worked together were arrested that morning for pushing pills.

What did my dumbass do? Got him a lawyer. I believed him. He stopped and somehow was already caught before he quit. It was his sister that got him into this mess and I could afford it without a problem. So I got him lawyer and got him out of jail. His sister spent another week there.

He maintained it was her fault; she’s 10 or so years younger. He also said he was talking to the arresting officer and he was going to help the police find out where the pills were coming in from and the people involved. He called me one night crying. Going on and on hysterically about being in the back of a car and on his way to a big drug supplier and because they had gotten suspicious, he had a gun held up to his head. He was telling me how scared he was and if anything happened to him please know how much he loved me. I heard some female tell him to “shut up!” I was upset and scared for him and just worried to death. Somehow I ended up texting his ex-wife. She said she had spoken to him earlier that afternoon and he was at the ABC store and that she had talked to him minutes prior and he was at home.

When he drinks his mind goes off to the strangest places. When he drinks he tells the most elaborate detailed stories of his past. I did mention the drug dealer gun to the head story to him later and all he had to say was “yeah, that was scary stuff”