Drunk Much

I think he’s mad. Just kidding; i know he is! I sent him the papers for custody court over his son. I would call this an over reaction at best. HE has legal custody of his son, if he gave a shit this would be playing out different. However, it’s more fun to say your wife “tricked” you into signing over custody and then tried to have you locked away. Dumbass…….if I could have you locked away, I would have played that card long ago.

He’s been asking about seeing the kids Tuesday. I never believe it’s them that he wants to see…..I think he just wants to gauge my loyalty meter. Which has dropped to basically nothing. After this temper tantrum I’ll be curious if he texts me about it anymore.

“That ain’t got a GODAMNED thing to do with what i texted you about. I haven’t been served so you can both kiss my ass. Fuck YOU! for allowing this to happen. Blame what and what you want? You’re still a lying cheating whore. Idc what you say … Can I see my good damned children????! That’s all the convo I want to have with you! (bitch) ”
You gave my number to (his ex wife)!!
Really???
“Fuck you – you heartless selfish whore of a cunt . I hope you die. You can both take me to court and I’ll gladly sit there and fucking rot before I out up with one more second of either one of you guys’ vagina monologues. I hate you both – you are a horrible PERSON. maybe your new dick will say different – but I know what I brought to the table and I’m finally glad at how much I was able to take with me. Wrap up the divorce papers. I want to be as far away from you as I possibly can. I also miss my daughter abd want some ki d of ability to be whatever part of her life that I can. That shit with (ex wife) though? Yeah …. Me and you will never be ok again

…. You think I’m nuts? God forbid someone actually get in your head … You are way more certifiable than I’ll ever be. (Bitch! … Holy shit, how I loath you)”

Never Again 

😳 OMG. They DO all go to the same class!! I saw this guy TWICE. I asked him a question he didn’t like and he went off on me. I recognized too many words from a script I’ve been in before. I left him alone per his request. True to narsisstic form; they want you to chase them. So he’s having his narcissistic rage as we speak. I’m almost fascinated. I feel like I’m watching monkeys in a lab. Same lines, same words, exact same tactics. I would bet you $1000 that was my ex on the other phone texting me if I didn’t know better. And I do not feel one ounce of desire to even read the 23 texts in the last 10 minutes. I’m just sitting here intrigued as hell. Everyone was right!! You’ll recognize them at the gate from now on. It wasn’t that long ago I would have immediately been riddled with guilt. And watching this now I realize how far I’ve come, how much I truly survived and proud I am of myself I am at this moment.

The Game Changed

So I’m at the tail end of a new game. Once again, one I was too stupid to realize I was playing. He figured out the old game wasn’t going to work. That he was indeed not coming back here. So he completely changed the game and tactic. He continues to take advantage in every way he can through guilt, perceived obligations and basic human jealousy.

He hadn’t seen his kids in a month and not without me trying. He said he was too busy getting himself together right now; he’d see them “soon”. I told him I was taking the building apart and needed to know how to take down something. He immediately had the day off and would love to come see his kids. 😠 Convenient. I didn’t play ball that day, everytime I thought about it he’d piss me off again. But of course, true to his style, he made ME feel guilty for not going to get him so he could see them. I had only asked him many times in the last month but he knows exactly how to turn this opportunity that he’s asking for against me.

Otherwise, he’s doing great. 🙄 He isn’t drinking or doing drugs or sleeping around. Well, I’m almost positive he’s drinking. He only confesses and apologizes when he’s drunk. And last night was one of those times, complete with the horrible misspelling in text. He’s getting a place to live next week, next week, next week. Everything is “next week”. We’ll see. Also claims it isn’t in with someone else, I guess we’ll see if that’s true eventually as well. He also knows I’m against a wall when it comes to weekend childcare. Before it was, he wanted so desperately to help with his kids. Now it’s, “well you did this to yourself.” He’ll help “when he can”.

I’m tired of hearing the sad pitiful story. Do I know how much he’s had to walk to find a job? Do I know how hungry he’s been? Do I know how sad and lonely he is? But HEY! He’s learning to “be a better person”. Handle life and cope better. And not tell such “embellished” stories. Right. He couldn’t decide this BEFORE our marriage went to shit? No, of course not, because it just sounds good out loud.

Nothing New To See Here

He won’t bother to make a plan to see his children. I ask him, too much in fact. Oh, he’s just been busy…..working his ass off. He’s gonna have a phone and car in the morning. And “his own” place in six days! Yes, I made the shitty comment “you wanted to see your kids all the time when you wanted to get laid”……..his reply? He’s in therapy and his therapist advised he stop. LMFAO!!!!!! I wonder if his “therapist” will also live at his “own place”? But he hasn’t seen his kids in almost a month. Did his “therapist” advise that too. What a jackass!

I believe nothing; and I mean NOTHING he says anymore. He probably already got fired from his job for being an asshole. He’s one of those people that come in and decide how everything is going to be done RIGHT from now on. Or he wants to make a webpage for everyone under the sun 🙄

I’m actually glad I can be a sarcastic bitch about it sometimes. I’m sure I’ll cry again like a girl. But at least I have these moments 😉 He texts me a lot less and I care a lot less and so I guess that’s a step in the right direction. I know my head is still all fucked up and will be for awhile. I just wish he’d pretend to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIS KIDS! 😡

The Blame Game

When you realize YOU just became the back up plan. Discarding ME meant discarding his children. The ones that “he misses so much”. And he got a job, but I refuse to believe from sun up to sun down he’s there every single day. Anyway, he was supposed to watch the kids tomorrow so I could work, well after an argument on the phone he tells me he found his self respect and won’t be allowing me to abuse him anymore. That he isn’t going to put up with my shit for two days and I’ll just have to figure it out myself.

My theory; no, he got caught lying and didn’t want to spend two days having to keep making excuses to his pissed off, annoying wife. At the expense of seeing his own kids. And he still uses guilt to make me feel like the bad guy. “Oh I should have been nicer and then the kids could have seen him”.

I guess in the end he was right all along. It WAS just a piece of paper. How many weeks ago was he all about his family still, and now he’s done with us. Found shiny new toys? I guess once you’ve been completely exposed, you have no choice but to find someone to whom all the lies can be told and believed again. I’m sure kicked out with “nothing and kept from his kids” makes a REALLY GOOD story. And I think what gets to me the most is that THIS is who he is; not the person I met again 5 years ago.

I should be getting better, but I’m only getting worse. “Share your story”…….they say……why? I feel like yesterday’s news. “You’re still talking about this?” Haha! Guess what? I’ll be dealing with his sociopathic ass for the rest of my life. The thought by itself scares the hell out of me. I’ll spend the rest of my life being made to feel guilty for any number of things. I’m sure the list has yet to be completed.

He hasn’t seen his son and daughter in two or more weeks. And passes up today, because he doesn’t want to “deal with my shit”. He’ll have a car soon……..soon typically NEVER comes with him, for most things he says. But it’s all my fault.

Honor Thy Father?

This is the shortened conversation I had with him regarding his son.

Me-you need to talk to his mother. Him-I have nothing to say to that bitch. Me-you actually have to come up with some kind of parenting agreement. Him-tough shit, you handle since you think you know what’s best for everyone. Me-YOU are his dad and you still have legal custody of him. Him-no, I signed him over to you. Me-you did not. I do not have legal custody. It was temporary guardianship while you went into a facility. Him-I would never allow him to go live with her, but if you can use it to your advantage, good job. Me-you are his dad! Step up. You’re just dumping responsibility on someone else because it’s more than you know how to handle. Him-fuck you. You took my abilities away, kicked me out of the house, and you still want me to do shot from afar. You’re a real piece of work. Me-contact her! Him-I don’t need to talk to her. I signed him over to you until I write something stating otherwise. And don’t send me anything cause I plan to be at an address you’ll never find me at.

So…….wtf? He can be a manipulative asshole, he needs to step in and deal with his child’s mom. This is craziness. I went through hell making sure he stayed here when his dad kept making false promises to him. All I wanted for him was stability. For once. He wants to live with her and I know that is his mom. His attitude with me is getting worse (he knows what the hell is going on though)

He has told me that above everyone, he loves his sister most. I truly believe that once he leaves he will not see her for a long time. I truly believe that they will not grow up knowing each other very well and that feeling alone kills me. I think as they get older they are going to need each other because of their dad. He told me he’s scared he’ll grow up to be like his dad. Personally, I hope he’s like none of them! I’m NOT perfect. But if the most consistent thing they can gossip about the most is how much delivery pizza I feed these kids…….fuck them.

It’s all too much. Too much stress. Too much loss. Too much sadness. And too much damn guilt!

Glad That’s Over

I had one of those show stopping panic attacks at work today. Blood pressure, heart rate high, I just went to an empty room and sat there awhile. My dr gave me medicine specifically for those attacks, but I can’t take it at work. A co-worker came and just sat with me for a little while and it finally passed. I can’t do that at work!

Got into an argument first thing with Mr. Sunshine. All the way back to his place (40 minutes worth) I was told how I have no heart and I’m so mean. He sat there and cried and asked me how long did I plan to keep him locked up? I DIDN’T LOCK YOU UP DAMNIT! He went on and on about can I fathom how lonely and hurt he was and could I just for one second stop thinking of only my feelings and imagine how horrible that was for him…………..coming from the man who “washed his hands of me” right after he got out. In my head I KNOW it’s all a game, but it jerks at my non-existent heart strings anyway. Because it’s so convincing that you question yourself about your own reality. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’s not acting. Ugh!!

I guess we’ll see what the week brings and how the weekend will work out again.

“His World” I Just Live In It

I get to spend another weekend with this man. He’s a controlling jerk. He can go WEEKS without even asking about his kids, and now he’s wanting to stay with them every weekend because that’s what he should be doing. He is full of shit. I love how this works;

You haven’t even bothered to ask about your kids in days or weeks. Reply- I figure they are being taken care of, I trust you and know you’d tell me if anything was wrong.

But if something IS wrong; why the hell didn’t you tell me that xyz happened with this kid or that kid?? -Ohhh I thought you trusted me so much.

And boundaries! Holy cow do they have absolutely zero clue what that even means. I’ve said to him so many times, he’s smothering and I need him to back the fuck up! He’s that kid that hugs the puppy too tight. I’m the puppy. Even still.

It creeps me out. Sociopathic people do not see others as individual people. They see their spouses, children, ect as extensions of themselves that they own and control. (this comes from everything I’ve read) Makes sense; he uses often “my wife”, “my kids” and thinks we are his to do as he pleases. (which is easy when your ability to manipulate makes them do it readily)  For example, when I’m pissed as hell at him and he comes and hugs me. I don’t want to be near you, but you choose NOW to come hug me……if I flinch…..he looks at me like I’M crazy and says “you’re my wife, I should be allowed to hug you whenever” He’s gone to touch me, hug me, he’ll even kiss me on the cheek and even though it is clear you’ve invaded my space, he does it anyway. Because “I’m his wife”. Last weekend I was getting ready for work at 5:30am and happened to look over at the door and he’s just standing there. Scared the shit out of me! I’m not used to someone being up that early, and why the fuck are you creeping at the doorway while I’m getting dressed?!? He smiles and says “I just wanted to say good morning”. (in that voice) I ask why the hell are you even in here…..”I can’t come and say good morning to my wife?” <<<< Are you able to see a little better how this works?

He used to do that shit all the time. The bathroom door could be locked and he’d force it open anyway. And then act like a real dumbass “why are you locking the door, I should be able to come in when I want, you’re my wife”. Just like (well not quite) that day I took the kids into the woods to see the sunset and he FOLLOWED us because he wanted to see what I was “really doing”.

LOOKING AT THE SUNSET IDIOT!

But who got bitched at because the baby was left in the house alone? Me. Because if i wasn’t being “sneaky and weird” he wouldn’t have had to walk out there anyway. I’ll never forget him grabbing my arm and jerking me back……he said he was just “lovingly touching my arm to try and calm me down”. IT WAS WEIRD! That was one of the creepier things I picked up on; how quickly their mood switches based on the level of crazy they want you to feel. They simply do not see the emotion of other people. But will quickly tell you how their feelings are being ignored.

He still doesn’t hear the words I say, because that’s not his plan. I’ve said many times “I wouldn’t live with you ever again for anything in the world!!” But he still calls this “his home, “his house”, “his bed”, “his family”.

I think I’m just super pissed I have to spend another few days with him. Another week my divorce is prolonged. He knows what he’s doing. It already gives me a headache, especially if his current texts are a reflection of what it will be like.

Remember the voice? And how it is the last warning before your non-compliance pisses him off? I think we just got there. THAT’S when he scares me. That’s when the lectures of his enormous efforts go on for hours. That’s when he wakes me up at night to cry to me about what the hell ever. That’s when he starts giving me ultimatums and deadlines. This weekend is going to be a nightmare. I just have to try and remember it’s temporary.

I hate the circular conversations of how I’m going “to give him some real answers”. Hey Einstein $3000 to a lawyer WAS your real answer!! But he can’t seem to get served. It’s been 3 months. He doesn’t want “to resort to lawyers. We can work it all out on our own.” Haha! No, you can manipulate and guilt me much easier without a lawyer.

He also thinks that because HE wants to be here and HALF of the kids want him here, then he should be here. That I’m being selfish, and he thought I was all about making my kids happy. And I’m putting my own feelings above everyone else’s. We’re STILL talking about this? He makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out! If I didn’t need to get a paycheck, I’d say “fuck it” and take Saturday off. I can find someone on Sunday. But then I have Nate wanting to know why his dad can’t come over and his dad texting him telling him that I won’t let him see them. 😠

I CAN’T WIN!

Just Listen!

Just listen to what I try to say. I can’t put into words what it is that I’ve gone through or continue to go through with him. I’m tired of the typical garden variety answers and “suggestions”. Everything you say to me is truly “NO SHIT!!” in my head. That doesn’t change what is the reality. I think it’s that part that isolates “us” even more. Why bother going out into the world?  Why bother trying to talk to our friends or family?

Because nobody listens anyway.

Panic Attack #3

He was at the house this weekend watching two of the kids so I could go to work. I don’t like it and I don’t feel comfortable, but I have few choices. I came home after 12 hours of work and all I wanted was my routine. But it was all thrown off; he was in “my” chair, with the baby asleep (and of course she was up bright eyed at 4am) I didn’t want to talk to him. So I just came to my room and got in bed. I was texting a friend and I could hear his footsteps and he came to the door and with that damn same voice (I know you think that’s crazy sounding) he asked what’s wrong, what did he do, what can he get me, please tell him what’s wrong, why I’m not talking…..giving me the fake puppy dog look of care and concern. I didn’t answer. But he stood there and I felt myself go right back to the nights of endless lectures. It’s a defeating feeling you can’t describe. I can almost feel my soul go hide, and I heard it all in my head, he’s fussing cause I won’t talk and he’s telling me all the great things he’s done today or he’s giving me the educated lecture on how adults are supposed to have a conversation and I needed to act like one and give him answers. I saw it all playing out in my head, just like the two times before. And he just stood there looking at me and I had already gone back to that place of feeling like death would be better than this. I finally said how long are you going to stand there? And he walked away. My heart pounding, my mind racing, my anxiety through the roof and I just wanted to run. It reminds me of that old show Quantum Leap. You’re right there one minute and something triggers the universe to instantly suck you into a whole different time and you see all of it playing out the way it had, except this time it’s in fast forward. I never understood until it happened to me. I didn’t see it coming. It’s been 3 or 4 months and I did not see it coming at all.