Drunk Much

I think he’s mad. Just kidding; i know he is! I sent him the papers for custody court over his son. I would call this an over reaction at best. HE has legal custody of his son, if he gave a shit this would be playing out different. However, it’s more fun to say your wife “tricked” you into signing over custody and then tried to have you locked away. Dumbass…….if I could have you locked away, I would have played that card long ago.

He’s been asking about seeing the kids Tuesday. I never believe it’s them that he wants to see…..I think he just wants to gauge my loyalty meter. Which has dropped to basically nothing. After this temper tantrum I’ll be curious if he texts me about it anymore.

His thoughts for today;

“That ain’t got a GODAMNED thing to do with what i texted you about. I haven’t been served so you can both kiss my ass. Fuck YOU! for allowing this to happen. Blame what and what you want? You’re still a lying cheating whore. Idc what you say … Can I see my good damned children????! That’s all the convo I want to have with you! (bitch) “
“You gave my number to (his ex wife)!!
“Fuck you – you heartless selfish whore of a cunt . I hope you die. You can both take me to court and I’ll gladly sit there and fucking rot before I out up with one more second of either one of you guys’ vagina monologues. I hate you both – you are a horrible PERSON. maybe your new dick will say different – but I know what I brought to the table and I’m finally glad at how much I was able to take with me. Wrap up the divorce papers. I want to be as far away from you as I possibly can. I also miss my daughter abd want some ki d of ability to be whatever part of her life that I can. That shit with (ex wife) though? Yeah …. Me and you will never be ok again

…. You think I’m nuts? God forbid someone actually get in your head … You are way more certifiable than I’ll ever be. (Bitch! … Holy shit, how I loath you)”

Never Again 

😳 OMG. They DO all go to the same class!! I saw this guy TWICE. I asked him a question he didn’t like and he went off on me. I recognized too many words from a script I’ve been in before. I left him alone per his request. True to narsisstic form; they want you to chase them. So he’s having his narcissistic rage as we speak. I’m almost fascinated. I feel like I’m watching monkeys in a lab. Same lines, same words, exact same tactics. I would bet you $1000 that was my ex on the other phone texting me if I didn’t know better. And I do not feel one ounce of desire to even read the 23 texts in the last 10 minutes. I’m just sitting here intrigued as hell. Everyone was right!! You’ll recognize them at the gate from now on. It wasn’t that long ago I would have immediately been riddled with guilt. And watching this now I realize how far I’ve come, how much I truly survived and proud I am of myself I am at this moment.

The Game Changed

So I’m at the tail end of a new game. Once again, one I was too stupid to realize I was playing. He figured out the old game wasn’t going to work. That he was indeed not coming back here. So he completely changed the game and tactic. He continues to take advantage in every way he can through guilt, perceived obligations and basic human jealousy.

He hadn’t seen his kids in a month and not without me trying. He said he was too busy getting himself together right now; he’d see them “soon”. I told him I was taking the building apart and needed to know how to take down something. He immediately had the day off and would love to come see his kids. 😠 Convenient. I didn’t play ball that day, everytime I thought about it he’d piss me off again. But of course, true to his style, he made ME feel guilty for not going to get him so he could see them. I had only asked him many times in the last month but he knows exactly how to turn this opportunity that he’s asking for against me.

Otherwise, he’s doing great. 🙄 He isn’t drinking or doing drugs or sleeping around. Well, I’m almost positive he’s drinking. He only confesses and apologizes when he’s drunk. And last night was one of those times, complete with the horrible misspelling in text. He’s getting a place to live next week, next week, next week. Everything is “next week”. We’ll see. Also claims it isn’t in with someone else, I guess we’ll see if that’s true eventually as well. He also knows I’m against a wall when it comes to weekend childcare. Before it was, he wanted so desperately to help with his kids. Now it’s, “well you did this to yourself.” He’ll help “when he can”.

I’m tired of hearing the sad pitiful story. Do I know how much he’s had to walk to find a job? Do I know how hungry he’s been? Do I know how sad and lonely he is? But HEY! He’s learning to “be a better person”. Handle life and cope better. And not tell such “embellished” stories. Right. He couldn’t decide this BEFORE our marriage went to shit? No, of course not, because it just sounds good out loud.

Nothing New To See Here

He won’t bother to make a plan to see his children. I ask him, too much in fact. Oh, he’s just been busy…..working his ass off. He’s gonna have a phone and car in the morning. And “his own” place in six days! Yes, I made the shitty comment “you wanted to see your kids all the time when you wanted to get laid”……..his reply? He’s in therapy and his therapist advised he stop. LMFAO!!!!!! I wonder if his “therapist” will also live at his “own place”? But he hasn’t seen his kids in almost a month. Did his “therapist” advise that too. What a jackass!

I believe nothing; and I mean NOTHING he says anymore. He probably already got fired from his job for being an asshole. He’s one of those people that come in and decide how everything is going to be done RIGHT from now on. Or he wants to make a webpage for everyone under the sun 🙄

I’m actually glad I can be a sarcastic bitch about it sometimes. I’m sure I’ll cry again like a girl. But at least I have these moments 😉 He texts me a lot less and I care a lot less and so I guess that’s a step in the right direction. I know my head is still all fucked up and will be for awhile. I just wish he’d pretend to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIS KIDS! 😡

The Blame Game

When you realize YOU just became the back up plan. Discarding ME meant discarding his children. The ones that “he misses so much”. And he got a job, but I refuse to believe from sun up to sun down he’s there every single day. Anyway, he was supposed to watch the kids tomorrow so I could work, well after an argument on the phone he tells me he found his self respect and won’t be allowing me to abuse him anymore. That he isn’t going to put up with my shit for two days and I’ll just have to figure it out myself.

My theory; no, he got caught lying and didn’t want to spend two days having to keep making excuses to his pissed off, annoying wife. At the expense of seeing his own kids. And he still uses guilt to make me feel like the bad guy. “Oh I should have been nicer and then the kids could have seen him”.

I guess in the end he was right all along. It WAS just a piece of paper. How many weeks ago was he all about his family still, and now he’s done with us. Found shiny new toys? I guess once you’ve been completely exposed, you have no choice but to find someone to whom all the lies can be told and believed again. I’m sure kicked out with “nothing and kept from his kids” makes a REALLY GOOD story. And I think what gets to me the most is that THIS is who he is; not the person I met again 5 years ago.

I should be getting better, but I’m only getting worse. “Share your story”…….they say……why? I feel like yesterday’s news. “You’re still talking about this?” Haha! Guess what? I’ll be dealing with his sociopathic ass for the rest of my life. The thought by itself scares the hell out of me. I’ll spend the rest of my life being made to feel guilty for any number of things. I’m sure the list has yet to be completed.

He hasn’t seen his son and daughter in two or more weeks. And passes up today, because he doesn’t want to “deal with my shit”. He’ll have a car soon……..soon typically NEVER comes with him, for most things he says. But it’s all my fault.


Honor Thy Father?

This is the shortened conversation I had with him regarding his son.

Me-you need to talk to his mother.

Him-I have nothing to say to that bitch.

Me-you actually have to come up with some kind of parenting agreement.

Him-tough shit, you handle since you think you know what’s best for everyone.

Me-YOU are his dad and you still have legal custody of him.

Him-no, I signed him over to you.

Me-you did not. I do not have legal custody. It was temporary guardianship while you went into a facility.

Him-I would never allow him to go live with her, but if you can use it to your advantage, good job.

Me-you are his dad! Step up. You’re just dumping responsibility on someone else because it’s more than you know how to handle.

Him-fuck you. You took my abilities away, kicked me out of the house, and you still want me to do shit from afar. You’re a real piece of work.

Me-contact her!

Him-I don’t need to talk to her. I signed him over to you until I write something stating otherwise. And don’t send me anything cause I plan to be at an address you’ll never find me at.

So…….wtf? He can be a manipulative asshole, he needs to step in and deal with his child’s mom. This is craziness. I went through hell making sure he stayed here when his dad kept making false promises to him. All I wanted for him was stability. For once. He wants to live with her and I know that is his mom. His attitude with me is getting worse (he knows what the hell is going on though)

He has told me that above everyone, he loves his sister most. I truly believe that once he leaves he will not see her for a long time. I truly believe that they will not grow up knowing each other very well and that feeling alone kills me. I think as they get older they are going to need each other because of their dad. He told me he’s scared he’ll grow up to be like his dad. Personally, I hope he’s like none of them! I’m NOT perfect. But if the most consistent thing they can gossip about the most is how much delivery pizza I feed these kids…….fuck them.

It’s all too much. Too much stress. Too much loss. Too much sadness. And too much damn guilt!

Glad That’s Over

I had one of those show stopping panic attacks at work today. Blood pressure, heart rate high, I just went to an empty room and sat there awhile. My dr gave me medicine specifically for those attacks, but I can’t take it at work. A co-worker came and just sat with me for a little while and it finally passed. I can’t do that at work!

Got into an argument first thing with Mr. Sunshine. All the way back to his place (40 minutes worth) I was told how I have no heart and I’m so mean. He sat there and cried and asked me how long did I plan to keep him locked up? I DIDN’T LOCK YOU UP DAMNIT! He went on and on about can I fathom how lonely and hurt he was and could I just for one second stop thinking of only my feelings and imagine how horrible that was for him…………..coming from the man who “washed his hands of me” right after he got out. In my head I KNOW it’s all a game, but it jerks at my “non-existent” heart strings anyway. Because it’s so convincing that you question yourself about your own reality. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’s not acting. Ugh!!

I guess we’ll see what the week brings and how the weekend will work out again.