Happy Anniversary 

One year ago. Today. I married the man I am now separated from. I thought I’d be indifferent today, but I’m not. I’d like to crawl into a closet with a bottle of wine, or two or three. At the same time, I guess marrying me actually did me a favor. It gave him the freedom to let his true colors show and without that i’d probably still be getting gas-lighted, lied to, manipulated, and controlled in ways that weren’t quite as obvious before we got married. The day I got married I truly believe I knew this wasn’t going to go well. When we got together we talked about it, and I was pretty honest about wanting to eventually get married again and he seemed to be agreeable. We wanted the same things, of course now I know it was all part of the game.

We moved in together and of course things weren’t perfect, but what couple is? He was still in his nice, courting phase I guess. We even had a daughter, planned, but now I realize she was part of the game too. How many times did I hear “I give you almost anything you want, you wanted a child and I finally agreed.” <<<< effective guilt inducing diversion. About two years after we got together, and mere months before our daughter was due, he informed me that he never wanted to get married again. I felt like someone punched me. I was completely tore up, and that never changed.

I recently discovered that while I was pregnant he was still trying to go back to his not quite ex-wife. I also found out that he asked her if they could just not finalize their divorce because he really never wanted to get married again and it would prevent him from having to marry me. That was my own stupidity.

That was fucking nice to know. Still is in fact.

We got into an argument and just like past ventures, he took off for a few days declaring we were done. By this time I was numb to that shit, I’d heard it 20 times. When he came back, he proposed to me. *i was a wonderful woman, he loved me tremendously, he knew marriage was important to me and he couldn’t imagine spending his life with anyone else. If I was able to accept him and love him than he shouldn’t be dumb enough to lose me. Being with me had made him a much better person, and a better father and he wanted us to be a true family.* ☠ That was in September, and I was shocked. We had a lot of trials and tribulations outside of our control that largely impacted our household and the makeup of it between then and Mar 11th. It was easy to relate much of our daily stress to other circumstances. I also think I had been so heartbroken and shocked when he informed me he’d never get married again, that there was no way I was NOT going to keep moving forward. I DID think many times about how long it took him to come to this and will he hate me later because he “only did it for me” <<<<< which definitely became another huge guilt inducing tactic. I heard MANY TIMES about the baby and NOW about the marriage.

After we got married, he did change. He became much more open and “honest”. He took great care to make sure everything was decided between US and not just him. He made sure we discussed any plans or let me know well in advance if he needed to be somewhere or had something to do. He was much more doting than he’d been in quite awhile, and it was easy to see that marriage really did have an impact on him as far as the health and wellbeing of “our family”.

Anyone that has been through any of this knows all too well what I’m about to say……….for every positive intense emotion, there is an equally intense negative response. Everything about us was intense; from the quick whirlwind romance to the mind boggling fights and disagreements to the overwhelming heartfelt makeups. It just became par for the course.

It was in April, I needed to renew my CPR and working in the ER provides a wonderful advantage of working with certified instructors. If you could catch one at a slow period at work, they can get you up to date and current in a fraction of any class time. I told him I needed to run to work and get mine renewed (and I had been telling him all that week) the EMT/instructor was working until 1am, but I needed to wait until the busiest part of the day had passed. I was about to leave at 8:30-9:00pm. He began questioning me to a ridiculous degree about the whole thing and how suspicious it was that I’d be leaving at night for a class…..no matter how many times I explained it AGAIN. He said “is it xyz that’s going to certify you?” My eyes had to have been the size of dinner plates, he even said to me he didn’t know why I was so shocked. How could he possibly know the name of the person?? We weren’t even friends on FB and he said that by itself was suspicious. I was floored and couldn’t believe I had to spent a few hours explaining what would take all of 90 minutes to leave and come back. He said “I wouldn’t have to be so doubtful if you weren’t acting like a cheating whore.” <<<<< and there it was.

The first mention I can recall of being referred to as a cheating whore. The first of MANY. And his true colors only got brighter and brighter and brighter from that point forward. The heartfelt, undying love apologies stopped. Until he finally realized I was dead set on leaving his ass………months later.

 

That’s A Wrap!

When they no longer need you for anything; that’s it. Nothing. No calls. No texts. No goodbye. That’s just it. You can feel it in your heart or soul or whatever. The emptiness. And that’s what came to mind………

You’re standing there and you find out you were on a movie set and he was just an actor. And just like a movie, it was never going to go on for a lifetime. He knew that, you didn’t. He already turned the lights out, shut the door, and is making another movie. While your head is still reeling from finding out he’s just an actor.

Twenty Years From Now, Twenty Years Ago

I was at work a few days ago and having a hard time focusing, thinking, interacting, ect (I understand this to be part of PTSD) I had a co-worker who is not aware of the current events taking place in my life, she just could tell it was a bad day. She was talking and she kinda chuckled and said you have to think “will this matter in 20 years?” I told her “yes, it will very much matter”. The lives of multiple people will be forever changed because of the last 4.5 years. It’s hard to comprehend.

It dawned on me today that maybe it would have been nice to get this life lesson earlier in my life. (like maybe 20 years ago?) It didn’t take long for my thoughts to realize no, if this had happened to me 20 years ago I would not have survived. I simply would not have lived through it. I wonder how many people have died by their own hands trying to escape from someone who has them emotionally and mentally held hostage? There were times months ago where my hope floundered and I thought this would never end; he’d own me forever. I thought about taking my life just to escape from it, many times. My daughter is the ONLY reason I didn’t. My boys have a good dad and great family on his side, I never have to worry about that. My daughter has virtually no one. He’d raise her……or he wouldn’t and she’d become property of the state. I think my son saw this in me and said to me “Mom, if anything happens to you, I’m taking her and running away. Hope you’re ok with that. I won’t let him raise her.” That alone was a realization that it wasn’t just me who could see me losing hope. So I finally “broke free”…………..

The thing about sociopathic people is they show their true colors much brighter AFTER you leave them. The verbal, mental, emotional assaults were almost unbearable. Every single day. Always hearing what a hard time he’s having because of me, how he’s hungry and struggling because of me….not once did it fucking dawn on him that it was ME with six children by myself. You KNOW you had to be a real fuck up for someone to be willing to raise 6 kids alone over staying with your crazy ass!

But everyday was a struggle, everyday is still a struggle. Fighting to keep my job, fighting to cry enough, but not too much, to keep myself somewhat together in front of the kids. I tolerate nothing. I have zero reserve for anymore stress. I am no fun, I rarely laugh, I live this nightmare every day, all day. All while still being jerked around on a string by this egotistical maniac who wants to change so badly one day and then “washes his hands of me” the next. For months now. Up and down. I’m drained overly dry. It wasn’t long ago, not long at all, I got my “ducks in a row”. Except for my baby girl. There are only two people I’d want to raise her; but you can’t exactly say “hey, take my daughter if I turn up dead.” One I’ve casually said it to and the other saw her born (and now you know). Yes, I’ve been on that edge closer than ever. Yes, I made a plan that wasn’t going to fail. 20 years ago, I’d be gone by now. However, as much as I struggle and fight, I’ve lived long enough now to know that it might be 5 years or 15 years from now, but one day I’ll laugh, have fun and be happy again. One day my heart and my brain will be free. (It also helped a lot knowing he’d make sure he was the torn up and pitiful widow before his first anniversary. Knowing he’d milk it for himself forever and I refuse to give that to him!)

So here I am. Taking advantage of the “good days” and realizing I can’t stop the “bad days” so I allow myself that time. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of the last 4 years. At least by then it won’t be all consuming anymore.

 

Open Letter to the Rest of the World

It seems as though I have people in my life that think I write this for them. Well, I don’t. I’ve been told stop writing everything and “move on”. Stop talking about it so much, it really just needs to be put in the past so you can “move on”. Yeah, what an asshole, you need to drop him and “move on”.

I have a crazy idea, how about shut up and let me grieve and hurt and “move on” at my own pace and just support me while I do. I didn’t realize I was on a time limit. I didn’t know that after 4 1/2 years, that a few months would be all I needed to just “move on”. And still……..nobody understands. Does anyone seem to get that he can smell my loneliness and desperation for interaction……and makes it that much harder for me to “move on”.? It only serves to further isolate ourselves. Do you want to know who I talk to MOST, my husband and his EX-wife!! <<<< how fucked up is this shit?!? The ex that he was telling all of our business to, the ex he tried to go back to more than once, including the month we started fertility treatments. The ex that he swore he only discussed their son most of the time, the ex that didn’t bother to tell me any of this. He created the perfect triangulation and she was a willing, although unknowing perfect flying monkey. And THIS is who I talk to most because I have her son. And him because well, he’s my husband, and I don’t have a plethora of people on speed dial. I’m kinda pissed off that everyone has the nerve to tell me to “move on”. Is this when I am given the proper time allotment? I need to know. This is my first split from a sociopathic, manipulative, lying, asshole. I’ll know the rules better next time.

I still go through spells where I can leave and then spells where I can’t leave these walls. He mocks me, tells me I don’t have anxiety or PTSD; cause I was just as abusive. It “went both ways”. And here I am again……..almost the same nightmare, but at least it’s not all the time, right? And here I go, questioning if I’m the crazy one. I call him out on lies and he makes the million dollar “you’re a nutcase” speech to convince me that what I’m seeing is wrong.

It’s cool. When one of the “experts” finds some spare time, they can fill me in on the rules. And then I guess I’ll easily glide right into “moving on”.

The Power Of Guilt

 There are days I wake up feeling guilty. I have to think hard for awhile to come up with a source for that guilt. Guilt for me has always been a confusing emotion. It’s like a bad heartbreak and you just want it to stop. If you can get the source of the guilt, it’s easily fixable. I don’t know if it’s like that normally.
I’ve lived four years with that being used against me completely, and continue to live in a guilt ridden, built up world. I hate feeling guilty. With a passion.

I remember nearing the end of all I could take anymore (and this was one of his over-used phrases) he said “I’m tired of your apologies. I could wallpaper the house with your apologies”. I’ll never forget the look he had when I said “yeah, cause I’ve apologized too damn much!”

I always felt guilty; for being too needy when he had such a bad childhood. For needing his help when he was working hard at a degree that would help us all in the future. For ordering pizza two+ nights a week (yeah, I was bitched at many times for that one)

But now he’s playing Mr. Nice-Guy. And every conversation leads back to how he’s been “cold and hungry and his knee is tore up from walking and he’s been standing on the street with a sign”……..he’s easily gained 15 lbs. Go figure. But I feel guilty. Because I’ve been warm and fed and no street signs, ect.

My stepson wants to go live with his mom,  He says “he wouldn’t want to live there if his dad was here. He’d want to stay here with his dad and siblings.” “Now he’s going back to an unsafe situation because of your need to be in control.”

So where does that leave me……..feeling guilty. He won’t get involved, because “I kicked him out and made sure to make it impossible for him to have anymore say in what happens to his son.” He still has custody, he could hold his ground and help me with his mother. But it’s more fun to play pitiful victim.

He can list all the things he’s done to change (I don’t have that talent, I’ve tried) and how I’ve done nothing, I won’t even acknowledge my part in the demise and continuing demise of our marriage. Now I feel guilty. Am I being too hard?, should I be trying? He got a minimum wage job, doesn’t have a car or phone, and reminds me often that I have a few extra phones. So now I feel guilty. He is after all my spouse, should I provide him a phone?

He hasn’t even been served separation papers. He hides and then I get bitched at for trying to have him thrown in jail…….what the hell is he talking about? (child support I assume) But now I feel guilty for something I didn’t even know I was doing. I am getting too snippy about my stepsons parents in front of him, so then I feel guilty. I take his iPhone away and he uses it to text her all day, now I feel guilty.

I was told (many times) by my darling husband that you only feel guilt when you have a reason to feel guilty. So………what I’m doing must be wrong cause I feel guilty, but my gut says don’t you dare walk into that trap. I get pissed at him (he is a chronic liar) but he’s so convincing that he’s being honest that now I feel guilty for accusing him of lying.

But that’s his weapon. Guilt. Why am I so sensitive to guilt? And he’s very good at it. For every issue I could point out, he can counter it in a hot second with a more pitiful issue or downplay my complaint to the point where I feel guilty for even mentioning it.

Rent is high- at least you have a home

Kids are driving me nuts- yeah, I really miss my kids

Cars acting funny-at least you have a car

You called me a whore-you shouldn’t have acted sneaky

I didn’t leave for days-I always was honest about where I was and what I was doing

So was I- but you lied that one time when you claimed to be going downtown and weren’t at work

Cause I couldn’t tell you the truth-you weren’t really going downtown, you just said what came to mind first.

You were in my face and I was scared- you can’t keep holding the past against me. OR you weren’t scared. You were intimidated, there’s a difference.

My gut tells me he’s lying about where he’s at, what he’s doing, who it’s with……but he’s SO convincing that in the end, I feel guilty for jumping to conclusions.

Maybe I should hire a PI for just a few days if only to prove to MYSELF I’m not completely crazy yet. And maybe, just maybe, find out that my “gut instincts” (that have been lost for so long) really are back and reliable.

They Are Great Victims

There’s another side of the coin I haven’t even touched on. If they can manipulate the ones closest to them, imagine what they can do when it comes to your friends, your family, your co-workers, and anyone else they see fit. That begins to play into your “compliance”. When you watch them in action working against you it is known as the “smear campaign”. They play the victim and they play it well. I’ve heard him talking to other people about me, I’ve watched him lie to the police about me. Hell, I’d probably think I was crazy too (oh wait, that DID happen). As you pull away, you’ll see them getting friendlier with your support system. That’s hard to watch, and I remember days I’d cry or be in constant fear over which friend I’d “lose” today. I’m over that. Either you believe me or you don’t, I don’t even care anymore.

It’s not just your friends and family you have to worry about. I was in a meeting with my therapist and domestic violence counselor, both I’d been seeing for a few months. He had left, wouldn’t tell me where he was, claimed to have all this money and I still had his son here with me. The therapist said at this point someone should be getting CPS involved because he “abandoned” his son. But they both agreed the odds were pretty good that he could possibly manipulate the social workers and it could actually end up being me on the chopping block. Let me interject that i don’t do anything to endanger my kids, but he would put my mental stability in question. (I had a lawyer tell me later that calling CPS was not warranted) I also remember telling another person at Family Services I’d answer to whatever authority figures I had to at a later time, but for now the last thing this child needed was more social workers in his life.

He said to me OFTEN, that everyone else might think I’m this nice and wonderful person, but he lives with me and he knows better. He knows the “real” me and he knows who I really am and everyone would be shocked to learn I’m not the sweet person they think I am. He said that to me a lot. I can’t stress that enough. He told me once (about two inches from my face) he would ruin me, he would take me down, he would make sure everyone knew the “real” me and he would take away this “good girl” image everyone has of me. “Making me your enemy was probably one of the worst things you could have done, you do know that right?!?!” All I could do was say yes, I believed every word he said.

He would get mad at me and threaten to tell (the boys dad) whatever it was he had “on me” at the time. Once he said “he might be interested to know all the pills you take.” I said WHAT?!?? I was on ambien because I worked night shift and that was the only way I could sleep and I think I had a few left over Xanax from an older prescription (when one of my kids was hospitalized). So I guess “pills” could be said and over-exaggerated a bit. However, I knew my ex would know better, he was with me long enough to know me. (But then again, he could convince anyone of almost anything) I could talk about all the damn “pills” I am on now just to deal with this fool!! He DID get mad at me once and told my ex something that had life altering, forever damaging results. He would never acknowledge the impact of what he had done. NEVER. He justified himself for four more years and placed all the blame with me. I don’t want to think about that anymore.

So when you read that they can ruin someone, they really CAN and are perfectly willing to if it means making them look better, if it means they can play victim another day. He posted almost hourly on Facebook for awhile about emotional abuse, being an abuse victim, freeing himself, ect, ect. I read an article that said how to tell who the true victim is and who the true abuser is and THAT was one of the examples listed. The abuser will go overboard and be more than willing to talk about it, the victim is usually not nearly as open. I only told my father because it was 5am and I knew he’d be up, my husband had been in and out of the room getting more drunk and aggressive each time he came in. So I sat here in the dark and sent my dad a text that basically said I was scared, I was alone and I was sure the next time he came into the room he was going to hit me. I just needed someone to be awake with me, even if only through text.

He uses his victim card to get money from people, to get rides to wherever, to get places to stay. He plays the victim. Wonderful husband tossed out of his home into the street and tricked into giving up his kids by his horrible, cheating wife. I can’t roll my eyes far enough anymore. He’s crazy.

Leaving…..

“Escaping from the relationship

There are four ways that you escape from a relationship with a sociopath

  1. They die
  2. They get sent to jail
  3. They find a new source of supply
  4. You escape and hope that they will not hunt you down
A sociopath will not leave his latest victim, unless this is forced (through death, being imprisoned, or if you run and hide) until they have a new supply. They never leave a victim alone until they have a new supply.
People question, ‘why did you stay if it was that bad?’ or ‘why don’t you leave?’ they don’t understand, you cannot leave a sociopath, they leave you. Either they leave you, or they haunt you. Or rarely, it ends naturally, when you will no longer give, and they can no longer take, and neither of you care anymore. Too much has happened for it ever to work (this was my final ending) although we did countless endings prior to this.”
***taken from Dating A Sociopath
This is where the understanding part gets lost on most people. You do not leave them. I left. On my own terms, it felt good. To have escaped, even though it wasn’t easy. He discovered all his faults, how marvelous I really was, went to a rehab/psych facility, was willing to stay however long it took, loved us more than anything ever in the whole wide world……a week later…..ONE WEEK later he left that facility, told me I was a vile, manipulative, mean, selfish bitch, he “washed his hands of me” and if I didn’t stop contacting him he would get a restraining order. He said it took going to that place and being put on too many medicines to finally see how horrible I was. He was also 100% convinced I made them keep him longer than he wanted (apparently he tried checking out 2 days after he got there). They would talk him into 2 more days (maybe cause they saw he was crazy too perhaps?) I actually had some faith in him, he was convincing, believable, remorseful, you name it. I had very little faith, but a little none the less. He crushed me, that hurt, it was painful, I cried, I was shocked……he made sure the tables were turned CORRECTLY so that he was the one that left me. Only he didn’t “leave”. He killed the person I was even then, and a week later wanted to “redeem himself”. This is all a game of tactic.

Alone

That’s what I feel like, I’m just alone. And over something that should be easy…..I can’t find anyone to watch my kids so I can go to work. That’s why he was here all last weekend. I have a good job; and I’m about to lose it. Because of his bullshit. Now that I’m getting desperate he’s of course all kinds of helpful and ready anytime he needs to come keep them. All I keep hearing is “they won’t really fire you”. Ummm.!!! Yes! They will! And Christmas Day. I had to call out on a major holiday. Most people who ever worked know that’s a huge no-no. And I had to do it, first time ever. My daughter has paternal family 30 minutes away. And nobody could BE BOTHERED WITH HER ON CHRISTMAS DAY?!??

He knows I’m getting desperate and he already has a wedge in the door. He’s just waiting for me to cave and “admit” I can’t make it without him. All because nobody can or will watch two kids on a weekend. And that’s the problem I guess, everyone wants their weekends free.

Should it come to that point. Where I no longer have a choice. Everyone will look down on ME. Well it must not have been so bad if you let him move back in. Or you must enjoy it since you let him back. Or if he was that bad with you and the kids then why would you even consider having him come back. Truth be told, it won’t come to that. I’ll secure my kids homes and exit this life before I will ever go back to living as a mental hostage. (more than I already am)

I actually have a career. With benefits and decent pay (I supported 8 people, so you figure it out) I earned a college degree to get here. And my only problem is I CANT FIND A BABYSITTER?!? I feel like this is a joke. All of the “I’ll help you out anytime”…….most haven’t helped me out at all. I’m not one to beg and I’m not one to easily ask for help, but I’ve already passed that point.

I read somewhere earlier; I want to live, not just survive. And that’s where I am, just surviving.

Panic Attack #3

He was at the house this weekend watching two of the kids so I could go to work. I don’t like it and I don’t feel comfortable, but I have few choices. I came home after 12 hours of work and all I wanted was my routine. But it was all thrown off; he was in “my” chair, with the baby asleep (and of course she was up bright eyed at 4am) I didn’t want to talk to him. So I just came to my room and got in bed. I was texting a friend and I could hear his footsteps and he came to the door and with that damn same voice (I know you think that’s crazy sounding) he asked what’s wrong, what did he do, what can he get me, please tell him what’s wrong, why I’m not talking…..giving me the fake puppy dog look of care and concern. I didn’t answer. But he stood there and I felt myself go right back to the nights of endless lectures. It’s a defeating feeling you can’t describe. I can almost feel my soul go hide, and I heard it all in my head, he’s fussing cause I won’t talk and he’s telling me all the great things he’s done today or he’s giving me the educated lecture on how adults are supposed to have a conversation and I needed to act like one and give him answers. I saw it all playing out in my head, just like the two times before. And he just stood there looking at me and I had already gone back to that place of feeling like death would be better than this. I finally said how long are you going to stand there? And he walked away. My heart pounding, my mind racing, my anxiety through the roof and I just wanted to run. It reminds me of that old show Quantum Leap. You’re right there one minute and something triggers the universe to instantly suck you into a whole different time and you see all of it playing out the way it had, except this time it’s in fast forward. I never understood until it happened to me. I didn’t see it coming. It’s been 3 or 4 months and I did not see it coming at all.

  

It’s Like Hurricanes

This morning it dawned on me that this is like living on the coast where you get a hurricane every damn day. At first you board everything up and make sure everyone and everything is safe. And then bam, it gets knocked down. So you fix it all back close to what it was, and then bam, it gets knocked down again. Next time you figure I’ll just make sure the windows and doors are secure, and bam they get knocked down. Ok fine, I just don’t want glass everywhere……and bam, it breaks anyway. Eventually you get smart enough to say “fuck it!” I’m getting out of here!

Except “out of here” doesn’t mean what you think it means. It means you have zero energy for building walls, so you just start to vacate yourself. And then you’re not even here anymore. My presence is just what you see. I am never where you see me. I don’t know where I go.  If everyone knew just how detached and vacant I was, they wouldn’t bother talking to me…….and I probably wouldn’t really care.

I keep hearing, it’s time to start healing. HOW?!? I don’t know how! My rational thought process is gone, that’s what he was for. I can’t feel anything because the person that told me how to feel and if it was right or wrong is gone. My “gut feeling” is gone….because I learned to rely on him to tell me what it was. I don’t know who I am, the person who told me is gone. He told me who I was everyday. One day I was this wonderful beautiful, smart amazing wife…..and the next day I was a selfish, judgemental, self-righteous bitch. And then the next i could be a cheating, sneaky, secretive, vile human.

Who am I today? There’s no one here to tell me anymore.