A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left………..

He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he was being kicked out, the sheriff would be showing up to make him leave, he’d never be allowed back or he’d be arrested. He kept repeating his son would be “snatched” out of here soon and I didn’t care. I was only thinking about myself. I was stealing his kids, leaving their father homeless. I was selfish, hypocritical, evil, heartless, a cunt, a bitch. He had his son sobbing hysterically, he had two of my kids glaring at me, my daughter crying, and me not at all shocked. All I could do was watch, anything else would have been fuel. Despite begging him not to do this in front of them. He left in a shower of glory. A day we’ll all remember forever.

Things did not magically get easier, in fact he paid me back, and I’m still cleaning up the damage, but I’ve become one of the strongest women I’ve ever met! One day I hope my story helps me save a family from hell; just like two very strong women I’ve never even met did for me.

Happy Anniversary 

One year ago. Today. I married the man I am now separated from. I thought I’d be indifferent today, but I’m not. I’d like to crawl into a closet with a bottle of wine, or two or three. At the same time, I guess marrying me actually did me a favor. It gave him the freedom to let his true colors show and without that i’d probably still be getting gas-lighted, lied to, manipulated, and controlled in ways that weren’t quite as obvious before we got married. The day I got married I truly believe I knew this wasn’t going to go well. When we got together we talked about it, and I was pretty honest about wanting to eventually get married again and he seemed to be agreeable. We wanted the same things, of course now I know it was all part of the game.

We moved in together and of course things weren’t perfect, but what couple is? He was still in his nice, courting phase I guess. We even had a daughter, planned, but now I realize she was part of the game too. How many times did I hear “I give you almost anything you want, you wanted a child and I finally agreed.” <<<< effective guilt inducing diversion. About two years after we got together, and mere months before our daughter was due, he informed me that he never wanted to get married again. I felt like someone punched me. I was completely tore up, and that never changed.

I recently discovered that while I was pregnant he was still trying to go back to his not quite ex-wife. I also found out that he asked her if they could just not finalize their divorce because he really never wanted to get married again and it would prevent him from having to marry me. That was my own stupidity.

That was fucking nice to know. Still is in fact.

We got into an argument and just like past ventures, he took off for a few days declaring we were done. By this time I was numb to that shit, I’d heard it 20 times. When he came back, he proposed to me. *i was a wonderful woman, he loved me tremendously, he knew marriage was important to me and he couldn’t imagine spending his life with anyone else. If I was able to accept him and love him than he shouldn’t be dumb enough to lose me. Being with me had made him a much better person, and a better father and he wanted us to be a true family.* ☠ That was in September, and I was shocked. We had a lot of trials and tribulations outside of our control that largely impacted our household and the makeup of it between then and Mar 11th. It was easy to relate much of our daily stress to other circumstances. I also think I had been so heartbroken and shocked when he informed me he’d never get married again, that there was no way I was NOT going to keep moving forward. I DID think many times about how long it took him to come to this and will he hate me later because he “only did it for me” <<<<< which definitely became another huge guilt inducing tactic. I heard MANY TIMES about the baby and NOW about the marriage.

After we got married, he did change. He became much more open and “honest”. He took great care to make sure everything was decided between US and not just him. He made sure we discussed any plans or let me know well in advance if he needed to be somewhere or had something to do. He was much more doting than he’d been in quite awhile, and it was easy to see that marriage really did have an impact on him as far as the health and wellbeing of “our family”.

Anyone that has been through any of this knows all too well what I’m about to say……….for every positive intense emotion, there is an equally intense negative response. Everything about us was intense; from the quick whirlwind romance to the mind boggling fights and disagreements to the overwhelming heartfelt makeups. It just became par for the course.

It was in April, I needed to renew my CPR and working in the ER provides a wonderful advantage of working with certified instructors. If you could catch one at a slow period at work, they can get you up to date and current in a fraction of any class time. I told him I needed to run to work and get mine renewed (and I had been telling him all that week) the EMT/instructor was working until 1am, but I needed to wait until the busiest part of the day had passed. I was about to leave at 8:30-9:00pm. He began questioning me to a ridiculous degree about the whole thing and how suspicious it was that I’d be leaving at night for a class…..no matter how many times I explained it AGAIN. He said “is it xyz that’s going to certify you?” My eyes had to have been the size of dinner plates, he even said to me he didn’t know why I was so shocked. How could he possibly know the name of the person?? We weren’t even friends on FB and he said that by itself was suspicious. I was floored and couldn’t believe I had to spent a few hours explaining what would take all of 90 minutes to leave and come back. He said “I wouldn’t have to be so doubtful if you weren’t acting like a cheating whore.” <<<<< and there it was.

The first mention I can recall of being referred to as a cheating whore. The first of MANY. And his true colors only got brighter and brighter and brighter from that point forward. The heartfelt, undying love apologies stopped. Until he finally realized I was dead set on leaving his ass………months later.

 

That’s A Wrap!

When they no longer need you for anything; that’s it. Nothing. No calls. No texts. No goodbye. That’s just it. You can feel it in your heart or soul or whatever. The emptiness. And that’s what came to mind………

You’re standing there and you find out you were on a movie set and he was just an actor. And just like a movie, it was never going to go on for a lifetime. He knew that, you didn’t. He already turned the lights out, shut the door, and is making another movie. While your head is still reeling from finding out he’s just an actor.

Twenty Years From Now, Twenty Years Ago

I was at work a few days ago and having a hard time focusing, thinking, interacting, ect (I understand this to be part of PTSD) I had a co-worker who is not aware of the current events taking place in my life, she just could tell it was a bad day. She was talking and she kinda chuckled and said you have to think “will this matter in 20 years?” I told her “yes, it will very much matter”. The lives of multiple people will be forever changed because of the last 4.5 years. It’s hard to comprehend.

It dawned on me today that maybe it would have been nice to get this life lesson earlier in my life. (like maybe 20 years ago?) It didn’t take long for my thoughts to realize no, if this had happened to me 20 years ago I would not have survived. I simply would not have lived through it. I wonder how many people have died by their own hands trying to escape from someone who has them emotionally and mentally held hostage? There were times months ago where my hope floundered and I thought this would never end; he’d own me forever. I thought about taking my life just to escape from it, many times. My daughter is the ONLY reason I didn’t. My boys have a good dad and great family on his side, I never have to worry about that. My daughter has virtually no one. He’d raise her……or he wouldn’t and she’d become property of the state. I think my son saw this in me and said to me “Mom, if anything happens to you, I’m taking her and running away. Hope you’re ok with that. I won’t let him raise her.” That alone was a realization that it wasn’t just me who could see me losing hope. So I finally “broke free”…………..

The thing about sociopathic people is they show their true colors much brighter AFTER you leave them. The verbal, mental, emotional assaults were almost unbearable. Every single day. Always hearing what a hard time he’s having because of me, how he’s hungry and struggling because of me….not once did it fucking dawn on him that it was ME with six children by myself. You KNOW you had to be a real fuck up for someone to be willing to raise 6 kids alone over staying with your crazy ass!

But everyday was a struggle, everyday is still a struggle. Fighting to keep my job, fighting to cry enough, but not too much, to keep myself somewhat together in front of the kids. I tolerate nothing. I have zero reserve for anymore stress. I am no fun, I rarely laugh, I live this nightmare every day, all day. All while still being jerked around on a string by this egotistical maniac who wants to change so badly one day and then “washes his hands of me” the next. For months now. Up and down. I’m drained overly dry. It wasn’t long ago, not long at all, I got my “ducks in a row”. Except for my baby girl. There are only two people I’d want to raise her; but you can’t exactly say “hey, take my daughter if I turn up dead.” One I’ve casually said it to and the other saw her born (and now you know). Yes, I’ve been on that edge closer than ever. Yes, I made a plan that wasn’t going to fail. 20 years ago, I’d be gone by now. However, as much as I struggle and fight, I’ve lived long enough now to know that it might be 5 years or 15 years from now, but one day I’ll laugh, have fun and be happy again. One day my heart and my brain will be free. (It also helped a lot knowing he’d make sure he was the torn up and pitiful widow before his first anniversary. Knowing he’d milk it for himself forever and I refuse to give that to him!)

So here I am. Taking advantage of the “good days” and realizing I can’t stop the “bad days” so I allow myself that time. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of the last 4 years. At least by then it won’t be all consuming anymore.

 

Open Letter to the Rest of the World

It seems as though I have people in my life that think I write this for them. Well, I don’t. I’ve been told stop writing everything and “move on”. Stop talking about it so much, it really just needs to be put in the past so you can “move on”. Yeah, what an asshole, you need to drop him and “move on”.

I have a crazy idea, how about shut up and let me grieve and hurt and “move on” at my own pace and just support me while I do. I didn’t realize I was on a time limit. I didn’t know that after 4 1/2 years, that a few months would be all I needed to just “move on”. And still……..nobody understands. Does anyone seem to get that he can smell my loneliness and desperation for interaction……and makes it that much harder for me to “move on”.? It only serves to further isolate ourselves. Do you want to know who I talk to MOST, my husband and his EX-wife!! <<<< how fucked up is this shit?!? The ex that he was telling all of our business to, the ex he tried to go back to more than once, including the month we started fertility treatments. The ex that he swore he only discussed their son most of the time, the ex that didn’t bother to tell me any of this. He created the perfect triangulation and she was a willing, although unknowing perfect flying monkey. And THIS is who I talk to most because I have her son. And him because well, he’s my husband, and I don’t have a plethora of people on speed dial. I’m kinda pissed off that everyone has the nerve to tell me to “move on”. Is this when I am given the proper time allotment? I need to know. This is my first split from a sociopathic, manipulative, lying, asshole. I’ll know the rules better next time.

I still go through spells where I can leave and then spells where I can’t leave these walls. He mocks me, tells me I don’t have anxiety or PTSD; cause I was just as abusive. It “went both ways”. And here I am again……..almost the same nightmare, but at least it’s not all the time, right? And here I go, questioning if I’m the crazy one. I call him out on lies and he makes the million dollar “you’re a nutcase” speech to convince me that what I’m seeing is wrong.

It’s cool. When one of the “experts” finds some spare time, they can fill me in on the rules. And then I guess I’ll easily glide right into “moving on”.

The Game Changed

So I’m at the tail end of a new game. Once again, one I was too stupid to realize I was playing. He figured out the old game wasn’t going to work. That he was indeed not coming back here. So he completely changed the game and tactic. He continues to take advantage in every way he can through guilt, perceived obligations and basic human jealousy.

He hadn’t seen his kids in a month and not without me trying. He said he was too busy getting himself together right now; he’d see them “soon”. I told him I was taking the building apart and needed to know how to take down something. He immediately had the day off and would love to come see his kids. 😠 Convenient. I didn’t play ball that day, everytime I thought about it he’d piss me off again. But of course, true to his style, he made ME feel guilty for not going to get him so he could see them. I had only asked him many times in the last month but he knows exactly how to turn this opportunity that he’s asking for against me.

Otherwise, he’s doing great. 🙄 He isn’t drinking or doing drugs or sleeping around. Well, I’m almost positive he’s drinking. He only confesses and apologizes when he’s drunk. And last night was one of those times, complete with the horrible misspelling in text. He’s getting a place to live next week, next week, next week. Everything is “next week”. We’ll see. Also claims it isn’t in with someone else, I guess we’ll see if that’s true eventually as well. He also knows I’m against a wall when it comes to weekend childcare. Before it was, he wanted so desperately to help with his kids. Now it’s, “well you did this to yourself.” He’ll help “when he can”.

I’m tired of hearing the sad pitiful story. Do I know how much he’s had to walk to find a job? Do I know how hungry he’s been? Do I know how sad and lonely he is? But HEY! He’s learning to “be a better person”. Handle life and cope better. And not tell such “embellished” stories. Right. He couldn’t decide this BEFORE our marriage went to shit? No, of course not, because it just sounds good out loud.

Nothing New To See Here

He won’t bother to make a plan to see his children. I ask him, too much in fact. Oh, he’s just been busy…..working his ass off. He’s gonna have a phone and car in the morning. And “his own” place in six days! Yes, I made the shitty comment “you wanted to see your kids all the time when you wanted to get laid”……..his reply? He’s in therapy and his therapist advised he stop. LMFAO!!!!!! I wonder if his “therapist” will also live at his “own place”? But he hasn’t seen his kids in almost a month. Did his “therapist” advise that too. What a jackass!

I believe nothing; and I mean NOTHING he says anymore. He probably already got fired from his job for being an asshole. He’s one of those people that come in and decide how everything is going to be done RIGHT from now on. Or he wants to make a webpage for everyone under the sun 🙄

I’m actually glad I can be a sarcastic bitch about it sometimes. I’m sure I’ll cry again like a girl. But at least I have these moments 😉 He texts me a lot less and I care a lot less and so I guess that’s a step in the right direction. I know my head is still all fucked up and will be for awhile. I just wish he’d pretend to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIS KIDS! 😡

The Blame Game

When you realize YOU just became the back up plan. Discarding ME meant discarding his children. The ones that “he misses so much”. And he got a job, but I refuse to believe from sun up to sun down he’s there every single day. Anyway, he was supposed to watch the kids tomorrow so I could work, well after an argument on the phone he tells me he found his self respect and won’t be allowing me to abuse him anymore. That he isn’t going to put up with my shit for two days and I’ll just have to figure it out myself.

My theory; no, he got caught lying and didn’t want to spend two days having to keep making excuses to his pissed off, annoying wife. At the expense of seeing his own kids. And he still uses guilt to make me feel like the bad guy. “Oh I should have been nicer and then the kids could have seen him”.

I guess in the end he was right all along. It WAS just a piece of paper. How many weeks ago was he all about his family still, and now he’s done with us. Found shiny new toys? I guess once you’ve been completely exposed, you have no choice but to find someone to whom all the lies can be told and believed again. I’m sure kicked out with “nothing and kept from his kids” makes a REALLY GOOD story. And I think what gets to me the most is that THIS is who he is; not the person I met again 5 years ago.

I should be getting better, but I’m only getting worse. “Share your story”…….they say……why? I feel like yesterday’s news. “You’re still talking about this?” Haha! Guess what? I’ll be dealing with his sociopathic ass for the rest of my life. The thought by itself scares the hell out of me. I’ll spend the rest of my life being made to feel guilty for any number of things. I’m sure the list has yet to be completed.

He hasn’t seen his son and daughter in two or more weeks. And passes up today, because he doesn’t want to “deal with my shit”. He’ll have a car soon……..soon typically NEVER comes with him, for most things he says. But it’s all my fault.

Honor Thy Father?

This is the shortened conversation I had with him regarding his son.

Me-you need to talk to his mother. Him-I have nothing to say to that bitch. Me-you actually have to come up with some kind of parenting agreement. Him-tough shit, you handle since you think you know what’s best for everyone. Me-YOU are his dad and you still have legal custody of him. Him-no, I signed him over to you. Me-you did not. I do not have legal custody. It was temporary guardianship while you went into a facility. Him-I would never allow him to go live with her, but if you can use it to your advantage, good job. Me-you are his dad! Step up. You’re just dumping responsibility on someone else because it’s more than you know how to handle. Him-fuck you. You took my abilities away, kicked me out of the house, and you still want me to do shot from afar. You’re a real piece of work. Me-contact her! Him-I don’t need to talk to her. I signed him over to you until I write something stating otherwise. And don’t send me anything cause I plan to be at an address you’ll never find me at.

So…….wtf? He can be a manipulative asshole, he needs to step in and deal with his child’s mom. This is craziness. I went through hell making sure he stayed here when his dad kept making false promises to him. All I wanted for him was stability. For once. He wants to live with her and I know that is his mom. His attitude with me is getting worse (he knows what the hell is going on though)

He has told me that above everyone, he loves his sister most. I truly believe that once he leaves he will not see her for a long time. I truly believe that they will not grow up knowing each other very well and that feeling alone kills me. I think as they get older they are going to need each other because of their dad. He told me he’s scared he’ll grow up to be like his dad. Personally, I hope he’s like none of them! I’m NOT perfect. But if the most consistent thing they can gossip about the most is how much delivery pizza I feed these kids…….fuck them.

It’s all too much. Too much stress. Too much loss. Too much sadness. And too much damn guilt!

The Power Of Guilt

 There are days I wake up feeling guilty. I have to think hard for awhile to come up with a source for that guilt. Guilt for me has always been a confusing emotion. It’s like a bad heartbreak and you just want it to stop. If you can get the source of the guilt, it’s easily fixable. I don’t know if it’s like that normally.
I’ve lived four years with that being used against me completely, and continue to live in a guilt ridden, built up world. I hate feeling guilty. With a passion.

I remember nearing the end of all I could take anymore (and this was one of his over-used phrases) he said “I’m tired of your apologies. I could wallpaper the house with your apologies”. I’ll never forget the look he had when I said “yeah, cause I’ve apologized too damn much!”

I always felt guilty; for being too needy when he had such a bad childhood. For needing his help when he was working hard at a degree that would help us all in the future. For ordering pizza two+ nights a week (yeah, I was bitched at many times for that one)

But now he’s playing Mr. Nice-Guy. And every conversation leads back to how he’s been “cold and hungry and his knee is tore up from walking and he’s been standing on the street with a sign”……..he’s easily gained 15 lbs. Go figure. But I feel guilty. Because I’ve been warm and fed and no street signs, ect.

My stepson wants to go live with his mom,  He says “he wouldn’t want to live there if his dad was here. He’d want to stay here with his dad and siblings.” “Now he’s going back to an unsafe situation because of your need to be in control.”

So where does that leave me……..feeling guilty. He won’t get involved, because “I kicked him out and made sure to make it impossible for him to have anymore say in what happens to his son.” He still has custody, he could hold his ground and help me with his mother. But it’s more fun to play pitiful victim.

He can list all the things he’s done to change (I don’t have that talent, I’ve tried) and how I’ve done nothing, I won’t even acknowledge my part in the demise and continuing demise of our marriage. Now I feel guilty. Am I being too hard?, should I be trying? He got a minimum wage job, doesn’t have a car or phone, and reminds me often that I have a few extra phones. So now I feel guilty. He is after all my spouse, should I provide him a phone?

He hasn’t even been served separation papers. He hides and then I get bitched at for trying to have him thrown in jail…….what the hell is he talking about? (child support I assume) But now I feel guilty for something I didn’t even know I was doing. I am getting too snippy about my stepsons parents in front of him, so then I feel guilty. I take his iPhone away and he uses it to text her all day, now I feel guilty.

I was told (many times) by my darling husband that you only feel guilt when you have a reason to feel guilty. So………what I’m doing must be wrong cause I feel guilty, but my gut says don’t you dare walk into that trap. I get pissed at him (he is a chronic liar) but he’s so convincing that he’s being honest that now I feel guilty for accusing him of lying.

But that’s his weapon. Guilt. Why am I so sensitive to guilt? And he’s very good at it. For every issue I could point out, he can counter it in a hot second with a more pitiful issue or downplay my complaint to the point where I feel guilty for even mentioning it.

Rent is high- at least you have a home

Kids are driving me nuts- yeah, I really miss my kids

Cars acting funny-at least you have a car

You called me a whore-you shouldn’t have acted sneaky

I didn’t leave for days-I always was honest about where I was and what I was doing

So was I- but you lied that one time when you claimed to be going downtown and weren’t at work

Cause I couldn’t tell you the truth-you weren’t really going downtown, you just said what came to mind first.

You were in my face and I was scared- you can’t keep holding the past against me. OR you weren’t scared. You were intimidated, there’s a difference.

My gut tells me he’s lying about where he’s at, what he’s doing, who it’s with……but he’s SO convincing that in the end, I feel guilty for jumping to conclusions.

Maybe I should hire a PI for just a few days if only to prove to MYSELF I’m not completely crazy yet. And maybe, just maybe, find out that my “gut instincts” (that have been lost for so long) really are back and reliable.