“His World” I Just Live In It

I get to spend another weekend with this man. He’s a controlling jerk. He can go WEEKS without even asking about his kids, and now he’s wanting to stay with them every weekend because that’s what he should be doing. He is full of shit. I love how this works;

You haven’t even bothered to ask about your kids in days or weeks. Reply- I figure they are being taken care of, I trust you and know you’d tell me if anything was wrong.

But if something IS wrong; why the hell didn’t you tell me that xyz happened with this kid or that kid?? -Ohhh I thought you trusted me so much.

And boundaries! Holy cow do they have absolutely zero clue what that even means. I’ve said to him so many times, he’s smothering and I need him to back the fuck up! He’s that kid that hugs the puppy too tight. I’m the puppy. Even still.

It creeps me out. Sociopathic people do not see others as individual people. They see their spouses, children, ect as extensions of themselves that they own and control. (this comes from everything I’ve read) Makes sense; he uses often “my wife”, “my kids” and thinks we are his to do as he pleases. (which is easy when your ability to manipulate makes them do it readily) ¬†For example, when I’m pissed as hell at him and he comes and hugs me. I don’t want to be near you, but you choose NOW to come hug me……if I flinch…..he looks at me like I’M crazy and says “you’re my wife, I should be allowed to hug you whenever” He’s gone to touch me, hug me, he’ll even kiss me on the cheek and even though it is clear you’ve invaded my space, he does it anyway. Because “I’m his wife”. Last weekend I was getting ready for work at 5:30am and happened to look over at the door and he’s just standing there. Scared the shit out of me! I’m not used to someone being up that early, and why the fuck are you creeping at the doorway while I’m getting dressed?!? He smiles and says “I just wanted to say good morning”. (in that voice) I ask why the hell are you even in here…..”I can’t come and say good morning to my wife?” <<<< Are you able to see a little better how this works?

He used to do that shit all the time. The bathroom door could be locked and he’d force it open anyway. And then act like a real dumbass “why are you locking the door, I should be able to come in when I want, you’re my wife”. Just like (well not quite) that day I took the kids into the woods to see the sunset and he FOLLOWED us because he wanted to see what I was “really doing”.

LOOKING AT THE SUNSET IDIOT!

But who got bitched at because the baby was left in the house alone? Me. Because if i wasn’t being “sneaky and weird” he wouldn’t have had to walk out there anyway. I’ll never forget him grabbing my arm and jerking me back……he said he was just “lovingly touching my arm to try and calm me down”. IT WAS WEIRD! That was one of the creepier things I picked up on; how quickly their mood switches based on the level of crazy they want you to feel. They simply do not see the emotion of other people. But will quickly tell you how their feelings are being ignored.

He still doesn’t hear the words I say, because that’s not his plan. I’ve said many times “I wouldn’t live with you ever again for anything in the world!!” But he still calls this “his home, “his house”, “his bed”, “his family”.

I think I’m just super pissed I have to spend another few days with him. Another week my divorce is prolonged. He knows what he’s doing. It already gives me a headache, especially if his current texts are a reflection of what it will be like.

Remember the voice? And how it is the last warning before your non-compliance pisses him off? I think we just got there. THAT’S when he scares me. That’s when the lectures of his enormous efforts go on for hours. That’s when he wakes me up at night to cry to me about what the hell ever. That’s when he starts giving me ultimatums and deadlines. This weekend is going to be a nightmare. I just have to try and remember it’s temporary.

I hate the circular conversations of how I’m going “to give him some real answers”. Hey Einstein $3000 to a lawyer WAS your real answer!! But he can’t seem to get served. It’s been 3 months. He doesn’t want “to resort to lawyers. We can work it all out on our own.” Haha! No, you can manipulate and guilt me much easier without a lawyer.

He also thinks that because HE wants to be here and HALF of the kids want him here, then he should be here. That I’m being selfish, and he thought I was all about making my kids happy. And I’m putting my own feelings above everyone else’s. We’re STILL talking about this? He makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out! If I didn’t need to get a paycheck, I’d say “fuck it” and take Saturday off. I can find someone on Sunday. But then I have Nate wanting to know why his dad can’t come over and his dad texting him telling him that I won’t let him see them. ūüė†

I CAN’T WIN!

Panic Attack #3

He was at the house this weekend watching two of the kids so I could go to work. I don’t like it and I don’t feel comfortable, but I have few choices. I came home after 12 hours of work and all I wanted was my routine. But it was all thrown off; he was in “my” chair, with the baby asleep (and of course she was up bright eyed at 4am) I didn’t want to talk to him. So I just came to my room and got in bed. I was texting a friend and I could hear his footsteps and he came to the door and with that damn same voice (I know you think that’s crazy sounding) he asked what’s wrong, what did he do, what can he get me, please tell him what’s wrong, why I’m not talking…..giving me the fake puppy dog look of care and concern. I didn’t answer. But he stood there and I felt myself go right back to the nights of endless lectures. It’s a defeating feeling you can’t describe. I can almost feel my soul go hide, and I heard it all in my head, he’s fussing cause I won’t talk and he’s telling me all the great things he’s done today or he’s giving me the educated lecture on how adults are supposed to have a conversation and I needed to act like one and give him answers. I saw it all playing out in my head, just like the two times before. And he just stood there looking at me and I had already gone back to that place of feeling like death would be better than this. I finally said how long are you going to stand there? And he walked away. My heart pounding, my mind racing, my anxiety through the roof and I just wanted to run. It reminds me of that old show Quantum Leap. You’re right there one minute and something triggers the universe to instantly suck you into a whole different time and you see all of it playing out the way it had, except this time it’s in fast forward. I never understood until it happened to me. I didn’t see it coming. It’s been 3 or 4 months and I did not see it coming at all.

  

The Voice

There’s a certain tone he gets sometimes. It’s calm and rational. It’s a mix of concern and sad. It’s a higher pitch than normal. It’s sweet and caring. It’s attentive and always asking what’s wrong or can I get you anything. It’s a different voice than the one that he has almost everyday. From the outside looking in, it can appear genuine and caring. From the inside; that voice means danger. It means get the hell away and fast. It’s almost like that last warning sign he gives me. I’ll do what he wants and as I don’t, the voice changes gradually and becomes less caring and more demanding. It becomes less genuine and more controlling. It invokes fight or flight feelings. That’s the voice he has now. It makes you feel crazy, because you hate it and you know it means hell. But how is that possible when he’s just being so kind and loving? It’s yet another way in which you can questions your sanity. I’m tired of feeling crazy. And I’m tired of having to keep being reassured that I’m not.

Save Me

I gave the devil my hand and now he’s dragging me back to hell.

Only now I know what hell looks like and I don’t want to go.

Panic Attack #2

How many will I have to have before I can no longer number them? I don’t want to find out. So #2, it was through text, he made a comment about spanking me. Yes, it was in a sexual connotation. No, I really didn’t give a shit. Until I realized he was dead serious. And I said you actually want to hurt me. His reply basically in a nutshell; I was a mean bitch and deserved it, and spanking my ass to the point where I “wouldn’t forget it for a few days” was turning him on. ūüė≥ I even clarified AGAIN “you actually WANT to hurt me?” Yep. << that was his reply.

Next thing I knew I was curled up on the kitchen floor barely able to catch my breath thrown back to a scene that happened one morning months ago. I described what we were wearing and how I felt. All I wanted to do was get out of the room. But he would stand in front of me and tell me “I’m not stopping you from walking out”. And he’d just keep on and on about how I had to talk to him….when I would get nervous¬†I’d get mocked. “There’s no camera here. You can stop pretending like you’re gonna win an Emmy”. All I wanted to do was get out. Why I was triggered back to THAT memory I have no idea. There were so many of those moments. Wanting to run, but not being able to move. It took about 45 minutes and Valium to make it stop.

Does this just get worse with time? Just one little thing and a whole cascade of events happen in my head and it won’t stop. From the outside it sounds crazy.

I asked him once (within the last month) why has he never hit me……..his reply? Because I don’t like jail.

It’s Like Hurricanes

This morning it dawned on me that this is like living on the coast where you get a hurricane every damn day. At first you board everything up and make sure everyone and everything is safe. And then bam, it gets knocked down. So you fix it all back close to what it was, and then bam, it gets knocked down again. Next time you figure I’ll just make sure the windows and doors are secure, and bam they get knocked down. Ok fine, I just don’t want glass everywhere……and bam, it breaks anyway. Eventually you get smart enough to say “fuck it!” I’m getting out of here!

Except “out of here” doesn’t mean what you think it means. It means you have zero energy for building walls, so you just start to vacate yourself. And then you’re not even here anymore. My presence is just what you see. I am never where you see me. I don’t know where I go.  If everyone knew just how detached and vacant I was, they wouldn’t bother talking to me…….and I probably wouldn’t really care.

I keep hearing, it’s time to start healing. HOW?!? I don’t know how! My rational thought process is gone, that’s what he was for. I can’t feel anything because the person that told me how to feel and if it was right or wrong is gone. My “gut feeling” is gone….because I learned to rely on him to tell me what it was. I don’t know who I am, the person who told me is gone. He told me who I was everyday. One day I was this wonderful beautiful, smart amazing wife…..and the next day I was a selfish, judgemental, self-righteous bitch. And then the next i could be a cheating, sneaky, secretive, vile human.

Who am I today? There’s no one here to tell me anymore.

If Only Willpower Was Sold At Target

Why are they impossible to let go of? It’s been two months since he left (because I initiated the separation) and yet I’m still getting used and manipulated. I’m still crying when I should be better. But everytime I feel better, it’s like he just knows it and fucks it up for me. They are just SO DAMN CONVINCING, and you think, I’d hate to give up if he really means it THIS TIME. But I think I’ve been cut loose, he’s just waiting for me to let go. Although he’d NEVER say that. I have zero self respect. I have zero dignity. Am I just that fucking stupid? I find it almost impossible to believe this can be real.I find it impossible to believe people with no souls exist, and even less believable that I fell in love with one of them. I need to get away and have someone take away my contact with the outside world. I don’t see me doing this alone.

And yeah, I feel very alone.

  

Fly-By-Night

Everytime I think I’m “ok” he swoops through to make sure I’m not. He was nearby up until a few days ago. I didn’t know he was running off AGAIN. He won’t tell me where he is because he “doesn’t trust me”. Haha!! Really? He trusted me just fine when he “conned” me into going over there to sleep with him. (I hate to say “conned”, it’s my fault, he knows that’s one of my weak points……..if he’d just keep his mouth shut!) Anyway, he’s vague about what he’s doing, what’s his plan, ect. He’s driving me bat shit crazy.

Tonight I did what I was supposed to do two months ago. Cut off all methods of communication. As long as he can get to me, he can get into my head. Period. That’s the way sociopaths work. If you think you’re immune; think again. He’ll be back in some aspect just as I start to feel normal again. Just when I can think clearer again; he’ll fucking be back!

Have you ever watched a cat catch a mouse? They play with it nonstop, tossing it between their paws until it’s dead. I feel like I’m that mouse. That’s what I’ve become. A toy to entertain. I’d like to pack all my shit and move to the other side of the country. It still wouldn’t be far enough.

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Just Another Dumb Game

He’s been very elusive the last several days. He’s “got a plan” to “fix his shit”. Ok, what “shit” might he be referring to? And what’s this plan? Oh, he doesn’t want to tell me because if it doesn’t work out, he doesn’t want to be called a liar yet again. Hey Einstein!!……..I wouldn’t call you a liar if I hadn’t caught you in so many of them. I do not believe there is a plan to do jack. I think he’s just being vague so he can go do what he wants to do under the disguise of “fixing his shit”. A trademark when he’s lying, be vague and say as little as possible.

Let me tell you; I am tired of his shit!! Two weeks ago (maybe three at this point) he was SO SORRY, and so ready to change and holy cow he saw the light and he finally realized he needed help…..to the point where he actually convinced me. I stupidly allowed myself to have a little faith in him. Now I laugh in that poor girls face (the one I was three weeks ago). He DID check in somewhere, signed himself out a week later, although he had started trying two days later, and then proceeded to tell everyone he needed to hide from me. He said TO ME he was done with me, had washed his hands of me, no longer had a single feeling for me except that he loathed me. I’ve never been so crushed by one single individual in my life! I believed him. It all felt too planned, too perfect, too calculated.

Well ok then. It’s funny how not even a week later he was ready to “redeem himself”. Just give him the chance to make it up to me. MOTHERFUCKER!! I gave you your chance two weeks ago! Now he’s never around, always “running errands”, and being oh so very vague. The best thing he could do for me would be to just go far, far away. I’ll never get a goodbye, I’ll never have closure, I’ll never work out an agreement about our daughter. THIS he will do to me forever.

A Special Kind Of Stupid

That’s me. Always forgiving. Always optimistic. Always a dumbass. I’m not sure what else I can say except I can’t make it stop if I don’t stop talking to him!! And “let’s try rebuilding the friend part” isn’t working. But now I’ve heard how he’s about to run out of money. Holy hell, where have I heard this story? Oh yeah, I lived it 3 months ago!! After a few months of being accused of crap I wasn’t doing, I just got sick of it. He’d crossed the line when he got in my face. I said I wanted to live apart from him for awhile, maybe we needed some space. So what does he do? Leaves at 1am and doesn’t bother telling me where to or what he’s doing. After several weeks of crap (I’m sure I’ll fill you in later) something crazy happened; he ran out of money. So he came back. And said he was going to work on his marriage, and I had no say in it. So here were are again, last week I was Satan and this week he loves me again……could it be because he’s almost out of money?