“His World” I Just Live In It

I get to spend another weekend with this man. He's a controlling jerk. He can go WEEKS without even asking about his kids, and now he's wanting to stay with them every weekend because that's what he should be doing. He is full of shit. I love how this works; You haven't even bothered to … Continue reading “His World” I Just Live In It

Panic Attack #3

He was at the house this weekend watching two of the kids so I could go to work. I don't like it and I don't feel comfortable, but I have few choices. I came home after 12 hours of work and all I wanted was my routine. But it was all thrown off; he was … Continue reading Panic Attack #3

The Voice

There's a certain tone he gets sometimes. It's calm and rational. It's a mix of concern and sad. It's a higher pitch than normal. It's sweet and caring. It's attentive and always asking what's wrong or can I get you anything. It's a different voice than the one that he has almost everyday. From the … Continue reading The Voice

Save Me

I gave the devil my hand and now he's dragging me back to hell. Only now I know what hell looks like and I don't want to go.

The Day Shit Got Real

August 23, 2015 Sunday Woke up at 3 am to him moving the baby into her bed in the next room. I didn't pay any attention until I heard her crying. I got up and asked what he was doing. He stated he wasn't having her in the bed anymore, HE was sleeping in the … Continue reading The Day Shit Got Real

Panic Attack #2

How many will I have to have before I can no longer number them? I don't want to find out. So #2, it was through text, he made a comment about spanking me. Yes, it was in a sexual connotation. No, I really didn't give a shit. Until I realized he was dead serious. And … Continue reading Panic Attack #2

See How That Happened? 

August 24, 2015 Monday He said he was going to get an apartment today and he had an appt at 2pm. He also stated that his ex had texted him and wanted to come see their son before leaving the city. He told her fine and wanted to know what time she was coming. He … Continue reading See How That Happened? 

It’s Like Hurricanes

This morning it dawned on me that this is like living on the coast where you get a hurricane every damn day. At first you board everything up and make sure everyone and everything is safe. And then bam, it gets knocked down. So you fix it all back close to what it was, and … Continue reading It’s Like Hurricanes

Illogical

Sept 2015 Of all the stupid shit he said to me, this small bit remains my "favorite". I laugh every time I see it. Realize that he's drunk. He had left and was gone close to a month. A lot happened in that month.

If Only Willpower Was Sold At Target

Why are they impossible to let go of? It's been two months since he left (because I initiated the separation) and yet I'm still getting used and manipulated. I'm still crying when I should be better. But everytime I feel better, it's like he just knows it and fucks it up for me. They are … Continue reading If Only Willpower Was Sold At Target

Fly-By-Night

Everytime I think I'm "ok" he swoops through to make sure I'm not. He was nearby up until a few days ago. I didn't know he was running off AGAIN. He won't tell me where he is because he "doesn't trust me". Haha!! Really? He trusted me just fine when he "conned" me into going … Continue reading Fly-By-Night

Just Another Dumb Game

He's been very elusive the last several days. He's "got a plan" to "fix his shit". Ok, what "shit" might he be referring to? And what's this plan? Oh, he doesn't want to tell me because if it doesn't work out, he doesn't want to be called a liar yet again. Hey Einstein!!........I wouldn't call … Continue reading Just Another Dumb Game

Summer Fun

July 15, 2015 He was outside with a friend. He came into the house every 30 minutes or so and smelled like alcohol. I tried to ignore his presence but each time he would come into the bedroom and have more crap to say about how awful I am. This went on for several hours. … Continue reading Summer Fun

Just Another Drunken Tale

December 2011 About 3 years or so ago he left and ended up in downtown. I think we had been arguing and he said he just needed to get away. He called me up to inform me he was staying at a hotel for a few days 😳 WHAT?!? Thanks for the warning. He apparently … Continue reading Just Another Drunken Tale

July 12, 2015

July 12, 2015, Sunday I got home from work and had planned to pick the boys up in the morning, which he immediately thought was "suspicious". As soon as I walked in he wanted to "talk". I was tired, 12 hours in the ER is a super long day. He gets pissed when you don't … Continue reading July 12, 2015

A Special Kind Of Stupid

That's me. Always forgiving. Always optimistic. Always a dumbass. I'm not sure what else I can say except I can't make it stop if I don't stop talking to him!! And "let's try rebuilding the friend part" isn't working. But now I've heard how he's about to run out of money. Holy hell, where have … Continue reading A Special Kind Of Stupid

Reality

My world still feels very surreal. I want to wake up and see the sunshine again. I want my family back together. Was it ever really together? I'm learning more and revisiting so many times in our relationship. How I was manipulated into believing or thinking certain ways. When did I lose myself? When did … Continue reading Reality

Really?

I wasn't trying to get back on this roller coaster. In fact, I don't even want to go to the fair. But here I am. Why? Because I'm a dumbass. He came over to see the kids.........and to plead for "redemption". That ship has sailed. It's even in the Bermuda Triangle! He's using the same … Continue reading Really?

Don’t Brag About Passing A Lie Detector 

One thing he told me a few times was that he could probably pass a lie detector test. I believe that. Everything he says I believe he'd pass regardless of truth or not. I have now learned why that's not exactly a good thing. If you think you'll be the exception and they'll tell you … Continue reading Don’t Brag About Passing A Lie Detector 

The Box In The Closet

Didn't you see the red flags? Yes. Why did you ignore them? Because I loved him deeply. I put them in a box and placed it in a hidden part of the closet. Four years , a daughter and a marriage later, I confronted one by one all the red flags I ignored or rationalized … Continue reading The Box In The Closet