“His World” I Just Live In It

I get to spend another weekend with this man. He’s a controlling jerk. He can go WEEKS without even asking about his kids, and now he’s wanting to stay with them every weekend because that’s what he should be doing. He is full of shit. I love how this works;

You haven’t even bothered to ask about your kids in days or weeks. Reply- I figure they are being taken care of, I trust you and know you’d tell me if anything was wrong.

But if something IS wrong; why the hell didn’t you tell me that xyz happened with this kid or that kid?? -Ohhh I thought you trusted me so much.

And boundaries! Holy cow do they have absolutely zero clue what that even means. I’ve said to him so many times, he’s smothering and I need him to back the fuck up! He’s that kid that hugs the puppy too tight. I’m the puppy. Even still.

It creeps me out. Sociopathic people do not see others as individual people. They see their spouses, children, ect as extensions of themselves that they own and control. (this comes from everything I’ve read) Makes sense; he uses often “my wife”, “my kids” and thinks we are his to do as he pleases. (which is easy when your ability to manipulate makes them do it readily) ¬†For example, when I’m pissed as hell at him and he comes and hugs me. I don’t want to be near you, but you choose NOW to come hug me……if I flinch…..he looks at me like I’M crazy and says “you’re my wife, I should be allowed to hug you whenever” He’s gone to touch me, hug me, he’ll even kiss me on the cheek and even though it is clear you’ve invaded my space, he does it anyway. Because “I’m his wife”. Last weekend I was getting ready for work at 5:30am and happened to look over at the door and he’s just standing there. Scared the shit out of me! I’m not used to someone being up that early, and why the fuck are you creeping at the doorway while I’m getting dressed?!? He smiles and says “I just wanted to say good morning”. (in that voice) I ask why the hell are you even in here…..”I can’t come and say good morning to my wife?” <<<< Are you able to see a little better how this works?

He used to do that shit all the time. The bathroom door could be locked and he’d force it open anyway. And then act like a real dumbass “why are you locking the door, I should be able to come in when I want, you’re my wife”. Just like (well not quite) that day I took the kids into the woods to see the sunset and he FOLLOWED us because he wanted to see what I was “really doing”.

LOOKING AT THE SUNSET IDIOT!

But who got bitched at because the baby was left in the house alone? Me. Because if i wasn’t being “sneaky and weird” he wouldn’t have had to walk out there anyway. I’ll never forget him grabbing my arm and jerking me back……he said he was just “lovingly touching my arm to try and calm me down”. IT WAS WEIRD! That was one of the creepier things I picked up on; how quickly their mood switches based on the level of crazy they want you to feel. They simply do not see the emotion of other people. But will quickly tell you how their feelings are being ignored.

He still doesn’t hear the words I say, because that’s not his plan. I’ve said many times “I wouldn’t live with you ever again for anything in the world!!” But he still calls this “his home, “his house”, “his bed”, “his family”.

I think I’m just super pissed I have to spend another few days with him. Another week my divorce is prolonged. He knows what he’s doing. It already gives me a headache, especially if his current texts are a reflection of what it will be like.

Remember the voice? And how it is the last warning before your non-compliance pisses him off? I think we just got there. THAT’S when he scares me. That’s when the lectures of his enormous efforts go on for hours. That’s when he wakes me up at night to cry to me about what the hell ever. That’s when he starts giving me ultimatums and deadlines. This weekend is going to be a nightmare. I just have to try and remember it’s temporary.

I hate the circular conversations of how I’m going “to give him some real answers”. Hey Einstein $3000 to a lawyer WAS your real answer!! But he can’t seem to get served. It’s been 3 months. He doesn’t want “to resort to lawyers. We can work it all out on our own.” Haha! No, you can manipulate and guilt me much easier without a lawyer.

He also thinks that because HE wants to be here and HALF of the kids want him here, then he should be here. That I’m being selfish, and he thought I was all about making my kids happy. And I’m putting my own feelings above everyone else’s. We’re STILL talking about this? He makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out! If I didn’t need to get a paycheck, I’d say “fuck it” and take Saturday off. I can find someone on Sunday. But then I have Nate wanting to know why his dad can’t come over and his dad texting him telling him that I won’t let him see them. ūüė†

I CAN’T WIN!

Panic Attack #3

He was at the house this weekend watching two of the kids so I could go to work. I don’t like it and I don’t feel comfortable, but I have few choices. I came home after 12 hours of work and all I wanted was my routine. But it was all thrown off; he was in “my” chair, with the baby asleep (and of course she was up bright eyed at 4am) I didn’t want to talk to him. So I just came to my room and got in bed. I was texting a friend and I could hear his footsteps and he came to the door and with that damn same voice (I know you think that’s crazy sounding) he asked what’s wrong, what did he do, what can he get me, please tell him what’s wrong, why I’m not talking…..giving me the fake puppy dog look of care and concern. I didn’t answer. But he stood there and I felt myself go right back to the nights of endless lectures. It’s a defeating feeling you can’t describe. I can almost feel my soul go hide, and I heard it all in my head, he’s fussing cause I won’t talk and he’s telling me all the great things he’s done today or he’s giving me the educated lecture on how adults are supposed to have a conversation and I needed to act like one and give him answers. I saw it all playing out in my head, just like the two times before. And he just stood there looking at me and I had already gone back to that place of feeling like death would be better than this. I finally said how long are you going to stand there? And he walked away. My heart pounding, my mind racing, my anxiety through the roof and I just wanted to run. It reminds me of that old show Quantum Leap. You’re right there one minute and something triggers the universe to instantly suck you into a whole different time and you see all of it playing out the way it had, except this time it’s in fast forward. I never understood until it happened to me. I didn’t see it coming. It’s been 3 or 4 months and I did not see it coming at all.

 

The Voice

There’s a certain tone he gets sometimes. It’s calm and rational. It’s a mix of concern and sad. It’s a higher pitch than normal. It’s sweet and caring. It’s attentive and always asking what’s wrong or can I get you anything. It’s a different voice than the one that he has almost everyday. From the outside looking in, it can appear genuine and caring. From the inside; that voice means danger. It means get the hell away and fast. It’s almost like that last warning sign he gives me. I’ll do what he wants and as I don’t, the voice changes gradually and becomes less caring and more demanding. It becomes less genuine and more controlling. It invokes fight or flight feelings. That’s the voice he has now. It makes you feel crazy, because you hate it and you know it means hell. But how is that possible when he’s just being so kind and loving? It’s yet another way in which you can questions your sanity. I’m tired of feeling crazy. And I’m tired of having to keep being reassured that I’m not.

Save Me

I gave the devil my hand and now he’s dragging me back to hell.

Only now I know what hell looks like and I don’t want to go.

The Day Shit Got Real

August 23, 2015 Sunday

Woke up at 3 am to him moving the baby into her bed in the next room. I didn’t pay any attention until I heard her crying. I got up and asked what he was doing. He stated he wasn’t having her in the bed anymore, HE was sleeping in the bed. So I told him to just hand her to me and I’d lay down wherever just so we could all go back to sleep. I needed to get up in 2 hours and go to work. He refused to hand her to me and told me to go to bed. She was still crying and I asked again for her and he again said no. He went to the rocker with her and at this point I was getting upset. I pleaded with him to just hand her to me so we could all go to sleep, I had to be up in 2 hours to work. He continued to refuse saying she was his daughter too and he wasn’t giving her to me. Also that he wasn’t letting her in the bed anymore. After becoming very upset, I was finally given her and we laid right back down in the bed. She fell right back to sleep. David sat on the side of the bed and just kept asking me why I would be loud and make sure she stayed awake, why didn’t I love him anymore, why did I keep my last husband on the couch for 2 years, ect. Same questions for 2 hours. I begged for that last hour of sleep, but he kept going.

I got up and got ready for work. He was gone when I got out of the shower and when I texted him he was not very forthcoming about letting me go to work. He just kept texting back that we needed to talk, he needed his wife back, that this was more important than my job. ¬†This literally went on for 15 more minutes. I kept saying I need to go to work to feed our kids and he’d reply with how this marriage came before my job. (Ummm……no it does not!!)
He finally came up the driveway. As I was leaving he told me what a selfish bitch I was and how he had done nothing but try and I wasn’t doing anything (same thing, new day) He tells me how he’s never loved anyone this much or how he’s never tried to make a relationship work as hard as he has done this time.
I was a mess by the time I got to work and made it through a few hours, but then I saw that he posted that entire mornings exchange on Facebook.

I went to the back room and started crying. A coworker came to the back and asked me what was wrong, I told her what happened and that this had been going on now for several months. I told her he had started throwing things at me, nothing major at all, but I could see his aggression escalating.

Panic Attack #2

How many will I have to have before I can no longer number them? I don’t want to find out. So #2, it was through text, he made a comment about spanking me. Yes, it was in a sexual connotation. No, I really didn’t give a shit. Until I realized he was dead serious. And I said you actually want to hurt me. His reply basically in a nutshell; I was a mean bitch and deserved it, and spanking my ass to the point where I “wouldn’t forget it for a few days” was turning him on. ūüė≥ I even clarified AGAIN “you actually WANT to hurt me?” Yep. << that was his reply.

Next thing I knew I was curled up on the kitchen floor barely able to catch my breath thrown back to a scene that happened one morning months ago. I described what we were wearing and how I felt. All I wanted to do was get out of the room. But he would stand in front of me and tell me “I’m not stopping you from walking out”. And he’d just keep on and on about how I had to talk to him….when I would get nervous¬†I’d get mocked. “There’s no camera here. You can stop pretending like you’re gonna win an Emmy”. All I wanted to do was get out. Why I was triggered back to THAT memory I have no idea. There were so many of those moments. Wanting to run, but not being able to move. It took about 45 minutes and Valium to make it stop.

Does this just get worse with time? Just one little thing and a whole cascade of events happen in my head and it won’t stop. From the outside it sounds crazy.

I asked him once (within the last month) why has he never hit me……..his reply? Because I don’t like jail.

See How That Happened? 

August 24, 2015 Monday

He said he was going to get an apartment today and he had an appt at 2pm.

He also stated that his ex had texted him and wanted to come see their son before leaving the city. He told her fine and wanted to know what time she was coming. He said her reply was vague and that she was “waiting on a phone call”. He was in a panic and said he really thought she was “up to something”, otherwise who could she be waiting on to call her.

Not long later he told me that she called him on the phone and he could hear her boyfriend in the background yelling about how no one could believe that he was going to move and leave his son behind to live with “that crazy woman!!” This only increased his anxiety over who she could be waiting on to call her. He asked me if we could please just pretend to be happy and working things out when she came to the house. He kept saying please do this for his son, can we please just be ok to everyone else for his sons ¬†sake right now. I told him that I would make sure his son wasn’t in jeopardy and basically just agreed to “play nice”.
By now it was late afternoon, he stated that he just told his ex she could come see him again when it was her weekend to visit with him.

Now it was after 2pm, I had “agreed” to pretend like things were fine and suddenly I felt like I had just been manipulated into the ideal situation.
He was even in a great mood, planning dinner and looking through the kitchen. He said maybe it was when he stopped doing some of the things he used to do that I developed resentment and anger and maybe if he started doing them again that things would get better. I was in shock. I told him that we were way past me being upset over dinner. And that Monday was pizza night. He also changed his relationship status on FB back to married and sent me a friend request. (He had blocked me and changed it to separated a few months ago) I simply ignored it.

It’s black and white. Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. Up or down. I feel like there are two very different people in there.

It’s Like Hurricanes

This morning it dawned on me that this is like living on the coast where you get a hurricane every damn day. At first you board everything up and make sure everyone and everything is safe. And then bam, it gets knocked down. So you fix it all back close to what it was, and then bam, it gets knocked down again. Next time you figure I’ll just make sure the windows and doors are secure, and bam they get knocked down. Ok fine, I just don’t want glass everywhere……and bam, it breaks anyway. Eventually you get smart enough to say “fuck it!” I’m getting out of here!

Except “out of here” doesn’t mean what you think it means. It means you have zero energy for building walls, so you just start to vacate yourself. And then you’re not even here anymore. My presence is just what you see. I am never where you see me. I don’t know where I go.  If everyone knew just how detached and vacant I was, they wouldn’t bother talking to me…….and I probably wouldn’t really care.

I keep hearing, it’s time to start healing. HOW?!? I don’t know how! My rational thought process is gone, that’s what he was for. I can’t feel anything because the person that told me how to feel and if it was right or wrong is gone. My “gut feeling” is gone….because I learned to rely on him to tell me what it was. I don’t know who I am, the person who told me is gone. He told me who I was everyday. One day I was this wonderful beautiful, smart amazing wife…..and the next day I was a selfish, judgemental, self-righteous bitch. And then the next i could be a cheating, sneaky, secretive, vile human.

Who am I today? There’s no one here to tell me anymore.

Illogical

Sept 2015

Of all the stupid shit he said to me, this small bit remains my “favorite”. I laugh every time I see it. Realize that he’s drunk. He had left and was gone close to a month. A lot happened in that month.

If Only Willpower Was Sold At Target

Why are they impossible to let go of? It’s been two months since he left (because I initiated the separation) and yet I’m still getting used and manipulated. I’m still crying when I should be better. But everytime I feel better, it’s like he just knows it and fucks it up for me. They are just SO DAMN CONVINCING, and you think, I’d hate to give up if he really means it THIS TIME. But I think I’ve been cut loose, he’s just waiting for me to let go. Although he’d NEVER say that. I have zero self respect. I have zero dignity. Am I just that fucking stupid? I find it almost impossible to believe this can be real.I find it impossible to believe people with no souls exist, and even less believable that I fell in love with one of them. I need to get away and have someone take away my contact with the outside world. I don’t see me doing this alone.

And yeah, I feel very alone.