Reflections of the Day

     I am weeks away from hitting that moment one year ago where he left in a blaze of glory. Why am I still on this fucking roller coaster? Why am I ok for weeks, long enough to think I’m ok, just to go all the back to square one? 

     I’m not ok. My children are not ok. And you know what sucks?!? Getting help for them NOW is just as hard as getting help for all of us was back then. WHY? 

     I also find out this week when exactly we go back to court. Four addresses and a month of newspaper ads just to get this sorry son of a bitch served. He dodged it for a year. Amazing. I looked at his Facebook page today……yeah, I know. Don’t do that. I’ll give you three guesses on the number of photos he has of his children or even any indication he ever had a life in this place………ZERO. 

      Yes, he looks happy with his new victim. But he also looks drunk and high. Some things never change. By the way, that is the same supply that messaged me a few months back. Just another human that sold her soul to the devil. 

A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left………..

He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he was being kicked out, the sheriff would be showing up to make him leave, he’d never be allowed back or he’d be arrested. He kept repeating his son would be “snatched” out of here soon and I didn’t care. I was only thinking about myself. I was stealing his kids, leaving their father homeless. I was selfish, hypocritical, evil, heartless, a cunt, a bitch. He had his son sobbing hysterically, he had two of my kids glaring at me, my daughter crying, and me not at all shocked. All I could do was watch, anything else would have been fuel. Despite begging him not to do this in front of them. He left in a shower of glory. A day we’ll all remember forever.

Things did not magically get easier, in fact he paid me back, and I’m still cleaning up the damage, but I’ve become one of the strongest women I’ve ever met! One day I hope my story helps me save a family from hell; just like two very strong women I’ve never even met did for me.

The Smallest Victims

Children don’t escape without battle wounds too. My daughter is two, I remember after I worked all weekend her behavior would be so bizarre on Mondays. She’d get upset and immediately go run to her bed. I also remember seeing her crying and pointing to her potty training seat and she just kept repeating “I crying, I crying” I think he made her stay in her room. I also know for a fact he would make all the kids sit, even when they were simply too young to be able to sit still a long time. She’d be playing with her dolls and saying “just be still, relax, hush, just sit still”…..and I could hear his voice all over her words. I watched him pick her up once and she stopped moving and just stared at the ceiling. It was such a strange scene for a one year old child. She would wake up every night screaming and I was always sure she wasn’t truly awake. She still has nightmares and wakes up crying. He would get so pissed if he wanted to bitch at me and she was being distracting. I recall him yelling at me once telling me to control the child, but yet I couldn’t go anywhere or take my focus off of him. She’d stand at the gate crying for me and he’d move so I couldn’t see her, he’d start yelling and she’d run to her room.

My six year old suffers the most. He had not started school and so he was home more than the other boys. He was also expected to sit still, be still, be quiet. My life eventually became one big fear that one of the kids would set him off. My six year old still wets the bed at night, and his stepdad would make a huge deal out of it and I can only imagine how shamed and embarrassed my poor child felt. I should have smacked that man in the head with a bat! I can see the difference in his pictures from 3-4 years ago to now. The light in his eyes has dimmed. He is mad all the time, he rages, and screams and tells me he hates me, or tell us all how we all hate him. I watch him from afar and he has zero self confidence, he’s always thinking he’ll get in trouble. He’s afraid of most men. My heart breaks for him. I let that happen. I’d plead with my husband to take it easy, he was only 4/5/6. He was such a shit to them. Ironically, NOW I have people tell me the shit he said about all of us. Never a kind word, never.

I like the picture posted here, it was attached to an article that disputed the theory children are resilient. That the younger they are, the less they remember or are affected. But if you look at the tree, you notice instead that the younger they are the more rooted the traumatic event is in their subconscious. Something to think about.

Round and Round

I don’t really give a shit what you want to call it anymore. PTSD, C-PTSD, narcisstic abuse syndrome; it’s all the same hell. You’re on a hamster wheel and you can’t get off. You go through all the stages of grief and think you’re ok or at least headed in that direction, but FUCK NO! Surprise, you get to do it again and again and again and again. Groundhog Day. Only it isn’t really funny.

And Life Keeps Going

I’m still fucked up in ways most people can’t imagine. I am multiple people and nobody knows or sees the full me. Nobody would want to; if this shocks you then you may know some of that, but if this doesn’t shock you then you don’t want to hear any part of that. I’m sure that made zero sense, but let’s just say I’d be giving everyone a good plot twist if my life was a movie. I still have bad dreams and panic attacks. I still feel alone most of the time and terribly misunderstood. I desperately want to feel safe, but trust no one and nothing. Everything I see and hear is up for scrutiny. Nothing is as simple as it probably should be………

This is a box. ~But what are you hiding in that box? Where was that box taken from? Why does one wall of that box seem like a different color? If it’s empty, what are you going to stuff into it? And when? Why do you want me to believe it’s just a box?

DO YOU SEE MY ISSUES WITH LIFE?

The other night I dreamt he was standing behind me at my left shoulder and I don’t remember what he was bitching about. But I remember that familiar feeling of don’t move, don’t react, don’t look scared, don’t look zoned out, don’t jump. My son later that same day told me that he dreamt his darling step dad was in the house, not saying a word, just walking around. I said that’s weird because I had a dream about him last night as well. Within the hour he showed up on my missed call list. He hasn’t texted or called in a month. My son said “mom, are you sure he doesn’t have a microphone in here somewhere?” What can I realistically say? “No, I can’t be sure because if I thought of it then he thought of it months ago.”

I don’t know if the bigger demons live within me or outside of me anymore.

 

Drunk Much

I think he’s mad. Just kidding; i know he is! I sent him the papers for custody court over his son. I would call this an over reaction at best. HE has legal custody of his son, if he gave a shit this would be playing out different. However, it’s more fun to say your wife “tricked” you into signing over custody and then tried to have you locked away. Dumbass…….if I could have you locked away, I would have played that card long ago.

He’s been asking about seeing the kids Tuesday. I never believe it’s them that he wants to see…..I think he just wants to gauge my loyalty meter. Which has dropped to basically nothing. After this temper tantrum I’ll be curious if he texts me about it anymore.

“That ain’t got a GODAMNED thing to do with what i texted you about. I haven’t been served so you can both kiss my ass. Fuck YOU! for allowing this to happen. Blame what and what you want? You’re still a lying cheating whore. Idc what you say … Can I see my good damned children????! That’s all the convo I want to have with you! (bitch) ”
You gave my number to (his ex wife)!!
Really???
“Fuck you – you heartless selfish whore of a cunt . I hope you die. You can both take me to court and I’ll gladly sit there and fucking rot before I out up with one more second of either one of you guys’ vagina monologues. I hate you both – you are a horrible PERSON. maybe your new dick will say different – but I know what I brought to the table and I’m finally glad at how much I was able to take with me. Wrap up the divorce papers. I want to be as far away from you as I possibly can. I also miss my daughter abd want some ki d of ability to be whatever part of her life that I can. That shit with (ex wife) though? Yeah …. Me and you will never be ok again

…. You think I’m nuts? God forbid someone actually get in your head … You are way more certifiable than I’ll ever be. (Bitch! … Holy shit, how I loath you)”

Happiness

I’m having this moment. Of actual happiness and I wanted to write it down before it went away. To remember that it’s possible. I have a good friend back in my life that he made sure to cut me off from. I started seeing somebody who hasn’t started off anything like my ex. So I’m just holding my breath and praying for the best. I have a stepson that no matter what, I will love forever, and no matter what he’ll know I loved him enough to make sure he came out of this with the rest of us. I have a beautiful daughter who’s only chance at having her own happy life is to keep him from ever getting into her head. And I finally faced the last war story I had. The worst thing he ever did to me, he did at the very beginning of our relationship.  I want him behind me. I want to “move on”. I survived walking through hell and never thought I’d see a light. But I made it. Right now I feel blessed and happy. Right now I feel like I can trust myself; just a little bit. Right now I’m allowing myself to have some faith; in myself and in the people who say they care about me.

Even if it only lasts a minute, at least he isn’t here to take it away from me.❣❣

Cognitive Dissonance 

Thanks to the darling husband, I’ve been able to expand my educational horizon.

“Cognitive dissonance is a concept in social psychology. It is the discomfort felt by a person who holds conflicting ideas, beliefs or values at the same time. In this state, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. Reacting to this unpleasant state, people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance was developed to predict and explain how people reacted to this situation.”

Narcissistic abuse causes cognitive dissonance. Then they use it to keep you in a constant state of chaos. I don’t know if they all do, but mine could rationalize anything he wanted to. He could later contradict his rationale and make that sound 100% rational. At first, it was a trait I liked about him; the ability to make sense out of certain feelings, emotions, events, ect. I would say “he kept me grounded” when I’d over react or have so much emotion about something and couldn’t think rationally. But the other side of the coin was revealed and when I would think or feel a way about him or his behavior, he’d rationalize it 100%.

I guess eventually I stopped turning to myself for insight. Because he always rationalized the things I was clearly over reacting about. After five years, not trusting myself or my reactions and questioning everything around me became normal. Before we separated, he just knew I had to be listening to someone else. “Who’s filling your head with all of this?” “You need to stop listening to whoever you’re talking to and come to your senses..” <<<< so he knew I couldn’t think without his rationale. Somehow, from somewhere, I finally found my voice and I didn’t have to listen to anyone else.

I woke up one day and realized it was almost crippling. Where would I turn for rational thinking when I couldn’t think rationally? How was I supposed to feel or react to things when the “voice of reason” wasn’t there to tell me how? When it came to him, I learned. His rationales no longer made sense at all. In fact, a lot of what he said didn’t even make sense anymore.

Cognitive dissonance remains a daily part of my existence. Every single new situation. Every single person I know or meet. I think this is why so many victims escape only to find themselves victims again. We’re so busy telling ourselves that we are being hyper vigilant and we have to learn to trust people again. I have found the better I know how my psyche was taken hostage; the better I am at trusting myself and hopefully someday, other people.

 

It’s In The Eyes

He came over last week sometime and he was just sitting in front of me and I could see him working up the tears……and it hit me! His eyes aren’t blue anymore! They are gray, and the center seems much more deeply black and empty.

It took me by surprise to the point where I began going through old pictures. When we first got together, he had beautiful crystal blue eyes and they got more dull as time went on. Then there hit a point when there were no more pictures that had him looking straight at the camera close enough to see his eyes clearly.

I thought surely I must be completely nuts! So I did what all of us do, I googled it. First I asked in a support group I was in if anyone else noticed this, and several people either had or “now that you mention it…” The Internet search actually did have studies where this same phenomena was seen in many sociopathic people. During the idealization phase they have bright pretty sparky happy eyes. But then as they move towards the discarding phase (which by the way, does not always mean they actually left or kicked you out. It can be when they just started pretending you didn’t exist) anyway, moving towards the discard phase their eyes began to change into darker, duller colors. Look it up for yourself. Now that I know, I can see the emptiness in them.

I would be curious how many others noticed this too.

Happy Anniversary 

One year ago. Today. I married the man I am now separated from. I thought I’d be indifferent today, but I’m not. I’d like to crawl into a closet with a bottle of wine, or two or three. At the same time, I guess marrying me actually did me a favor. It gave him the freedom to let his true colors show and without that i’d probably still be getting gas-lighted, lied to, manipulated, and controlled in ways that weren’t quite as obvious before we got married. The day I got married I truly believe I knew this wasn’t going to go well. When we got together we talked about it, and I was pretty honest about wanting to eventually get married again and he seemed to be agreeable. We wanted the same things, of course now I know it was all part of the game.

We moved in together and of course things weren’t perfect, but what couple is? He was still in his nice, courting phase I guess. We even had a daughter, planned, but now I realize she was part of the game too. How many times did I hear “I give you almost anything you want, you wanted a child and I finally agreed.” <<<< effective guilt inducing diversion. About two years after we got together, and mere months before our daughter was due, he informed me that he never wanted to get married again. I felt like someone punched me. I was completely tore up, and that never changed.

I recently discovered that while I was pregnant he was still trying to go back to his not quite ex-wife. I also found out that he asked her if they could just not finalize their divorce because he really never wanted to get married again and it would prevent him from having to marry me. That was my own stupidity.

That was fucking nice to know. Still is in fact.

We got into an argument and just like past ventures, he took off for a few days declaring we were done. By this time I was numb to that shit, I’d heard it 20 times. When he came back, he proposed to me. *i was a wonderful woman, he loved me tremendously, he knew marriage was important to me and he couldn’t imagine spending his life with anyone else. If I was able to accept him and love him than he shouldn’t be dumb enough to lose me. Being with me had made him a much better person, and a better father and he wanted us to be a true family.* ☠ That was in September, and I was shocked. We had a lot of trials and tribulations outside of our control that largely impacted our household and the makeup of it between then and Mar 11th. It was easy to relate much of our daily stress to other circumstances. I also think I had been so heartbroken and shocked when he informed me he’d never get married again, that there was no way I was NOT going to keep moving forward. I DID think many times about how long it took him to come to this and will he hate me later because he “only did it for me” <<<<< which definitely became another huge guilt inducing tactic. I heard MANY TIMES about the baby and NOW about the marriage.

After we got married, he did change. He became much more open and “honest”. He took great care to make sure everything was decided between US and not just him. He made sure we discussed any plans or let me know well in advance if he needed to be somewhere or had something to do. He was much more doting than he’d been in quite awhile, and it was easy to see that marriage really did have an impact on him as far as the health and wellbeing of “our family”.

Anyone that has been through any of this knows all too well what I’m about to say……….for every positive intense emotion, there is an equally intense negative response. Everything about us was intense; from the quick whirlwind romance to the mind boggling fights and disagreements to the overwhelming heartfelt makeups. It just became par for the course.

It was in April, I needed to renew my CPR and working in the ER provides a wonderful advantage of working with certified instructors. If you could catch one at a slow period at work, they can get you up to date and current in a fraction of any class time. I told him I needed to run to work and get mine renewed (and I had been telling him all that week) the EMT/instructor was working until 1am, but I needed to wait until the busiest part of the day had passed. I was about to leave at 8:30-9:00pm. He began questioning me to a ridiculous degree about the whole thing and how suspicious it was that I’d be leaving at night for a class…..no matter how many times I explained it AGAIN. He said “is it xyz that’s going to certify you?” My eyes had to have been the size of dinner plates, he even said to me he didn’t know why I was so shocked. How could he possibly know the name of the person?? We weren’t even friends on FB and he said that by itself was suspicious. I was floored and couldn’t believe I had to spent a few hours explaining what would take all of 90 minutes to leave and come back. He said “I wouldn’t have to be so doubtful if you weren’t acting like a cheating whore.” <<<<< and there it was.

The first mention I can recall of being referred to as a cheating whore. The first of MANY. And his true colors only got brighter and brighter and brighter from that point forward. The heartfelt, undying love apologies stopped. Until he finally realized I was dead set on leaving his ass………months later.