Remember

Yes, I do still think about you. I especially think about you on holidays. I think about how you always had to either ruin them or be the center of superb greatness. Like the Thanksgiving you cooked half the day, remember?- back when you were still showing me how perfect you were? Typically though, you … Continue reading Remember

A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left........... He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he … Continue reading A Year Ago Today…..

Reflections of the Day

I am weeks away from hitting that moment one year ago where he left in a blaze of glory. Why am I still on this fucking roller coaster? Why am I ok for weeks, long enough to think I'm ok, just to go all the back to square one? I'm not ok. My children are … Continue reading Reflections of the Day

The Smallest Victims

Children don't escape without battle wounds too. My daughter is two, I remember after I worked all weekend her behavior would be so bizarre on Mondays. She'd get upset and immediately go run to her bed. I also remember seeing her crying and pointing to her potty training seat and she just kept repeating "I … Continue reading The Smallest Victims

Round and Round

I don't really give a shit what you want to call it anymore. PTSD, C-PTSD, narcisstic abuse syndrome; it's all the same hell. You're on a hamster wheel and you can't get off. You go through all the stages of grief and think you're ok or at least headed in that direction, but FUCK NO! … Continue reading Round and Round

And Life Keeps Going

I'm still fucked up in ways most people can't imagine. I am multiple people and nobody knows or sees the full me. I still have bad dreams and panic attacks. I still feel alone most of the time and terribly misunderstood. I desperately want to feel safe, but trust no one and nothing. Everything I … Continue reading And Life Keeps Going

Drunk Much

I think he's mad. Just kidding; i know he is! I sent him the papers for custody court over his son. I would call this an over reaction at best. HE has legal custody of his son, if he gave a shit this would be playing out different. However, it's more fun to say your … Continue reading Drunk Much

Happiness

I'm having this moment. Of actual happiness and I wanted to write it down before it went away. To remember that it's possible. I have a good friend back in my life that he made sure to cut me off from. I started seeing somebody who hasn't started off anything like my ex. So I'm … Continue reading Happiness

Cognitive Dissonance 

Thanks to the darling husband, I've been able to expand my educational horizon. "Cognitive dissonance is a concept in social psychology. It is the discomfort felt by a person who holds conflicting ideas, beliefs or values at the same time. In this state, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. Reacting to this … Continue reading Cognitive Dissonance 

It’s In The Eyes

He came over last week sometime and he was just sitting in front of me and I could see him working up the tears......and it hit me! His eyes aren't blue anymore! They are gray, and the center seems much more deeply black and empty. It took me by surprise to the point where I … Continue reading It’s In The Eyes

Happy Anniversary 

One year ago. Today. I married the man I am now separated from. I thought I'd be indifferent today, but I'm not. I'd like to crawl into a closet with a bottle of wine, or two or three. At the same time, I guess marrying me actually did me a favor. It gave him the … Continue reading Happy Anniversary 

That’s A Wrap!

When they no longer need you for anything; that's it. Nothing. No calls. No texts. No goodbye. That's just it. You can feel it in your heart or soul or whatever. The emptiness. And that's what came to mind......... You're standing there and you find out you were on a movie set and he was … Continue reading That’s A Wrap!

Open Letter to the Rest of the World

It seems as though I have people in my life that think I write this for them. Well, I don't. I've been told stop writing everything and "move on". Stop talking about it so much, it really just needs to be put in the past so you can "move on". Yeah, what an asshole, you … Continue reading Open Letter to the Rest of the World

The Game Changed

So I'm at the tail end of a new game. Once again, one I was too stupid to realize I was playing. He figured out the old game wasn't going to work. That he was indeed not coming back here. So he completely changed the game and tactic. He continues to take advantage in every … Continue reading The Game Changed

The Blame Game

When you realize YOU just became the back up plan. Discarding ME meant discarding his children. The ones that "he misses so much". And he got a job, but I refuse to believe from sun up to sun down he's there every single day. Anyway, he was supposed to watch the kids tomorrow so I … Continue reading The Blame Game

Honor Thy Father?

This is the shortened conversation I had with him regarding his son. Me-you need to talk to his mother. Him-I have nothing to say to that bitch. Me-you actually have to come up with some kind of parenting agreement. Him-tough shit, you handle since you think you know what's best for everyone. Me-YOU are his … Continue reading Honor Thy Father?

The Power Of Guilt

 There are days I wake up feeling guilty. I have to think hard for awhile to come up with a source for that guilt. Guilt for me has always been a confusing emotion. It's like a bad heartbreak and you just want it to stop. If you can get the source of the guilt, it's … Continue reading The Power Of Guilt

Glad That’s Over

I had one of those show stopping panic attacks at work today. Blood pressure, heart rate high, I just went to an empty room and sat there awhile. My dr gave me medicine specifically for those attacks, but I can't take it at work. A co-worker came and just sat with me for a little … Continue reading Glad That’s Over

They Are Great Victims

There's another side of the coin I haven't even touched on. If they can manipulate the ones closest to them, imagine what they can do when it comes to your friends, your family, your co-workers, and anyone else they see fit. That begins to play into your "compliance". When you watch them in action working … Continue reading They Are Great Victims

“His World” I Just Live In It

I get to spend another weekend with this man. He's a controlling jerk. He can go WEEKS without even asking about his kids, and now he's wanting to stay with them every weekend because that's what he should be doing. He is full of shit. I love how this works; You haven't even bothered to … Continue reading “His World” I Just Live In It