The Past Is Your Home

     I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make sense out of something that will never be comprehensible. I am so out of touch with just about everyone in my life, or anyone that USED to be in my life. I don’t know how to make it stop. It used to be that I simply couldn’t relate with anyone on any everyday level. Then it felt like things were getting better, I was gaining ground and moving forward. When I stopped for a moment to take inventory, there was no one there. As I looked around, no one was standing there. Not even the people that just stuck around to watch me fail. How did I get here?

       In exactly one week will be our two year anniversary. Two years of being married, for 6 months. I’m married. I have a husband. I’m someone’s wife. I have a wedding ring and a few pictures to prove it. As that two year date approaches, I am more heartbroken now than I was nearing our one year anniversary. 

        I wait patiently to find out what next week will bring. I’ve been nonexistent to him for almost a year now (except the occasional cussing out I’ve received). But as we all know, sociopaths are unpredictable in their timing. Although predictable in their actions. 

        I’m falling off a cliff. Becoming more isolated, more angry, more apathetic. Becoming someone that I completely do not recognize. 

Court

We actually had court Oct 15th, a month ago. I never got around to writing about it. So after three counties, four addresses and paying for publication, he was never personally “served”. He’d call me and cuss me out for “sending the sheriffs out again.” So he knew he was being searched for and why. 

It should be no shock that he didn’t show up. I am so thankful that we were the only ones in the courtroom. I was asked several questions “for the court”. One of which was “can you tell the court what names you would be called in front of the children.” It’s impossible to look a judge in the face while repeating “selfish bitch”, “judgemental bitch”, “cheating whore”, “fucking cunt”. 

After all that added to the significant history of substance abuse, it was placed in the papers he is to have no visitation until he goes through the courts. That’s fine with me. Now I just have to find a way to explain to my daughter at various stages of her life why I felt it was best that it worked out that way. It’s also hard to know that one day she’ll be around him, he is afterall her dad and she’ll be curious one day. But more importantly when that happens, he won’t be glad to see his daughter, he’ll already be planning out how he can take advantage of her. 

Trauma Bonding

       I guess that’s what I’m going through. My husband is in jail, I only found out through his EX-wife, who seems to know more about what he’s up to than I do. Six nights or more ago she called the police on him from three hours away. I don’t agree with what she did. She knew he was drunk and that wasn’t gonna end well. 

Anyway, it’s been a year since we separated. I’d gotten all this “strength” back. So why am I breaking apart all over again? Like he just left. Why am I sitting here feeling sorry for him? Wanting to save him? He’s a monster; I don’t need to be told. He doesn’t deserve to have me crying over him. But that impeccable urge to run and protect him is overwhelming. I’m just pissed at myself because I never would have thought I’d be time warped back to that feeling of when he had just left. I’ve read one of the things you don’t do is bash the abuser to the victim: it will only make the bond stronger. How long is this shit gonna last?!?? A year is really nothing when it comes to recovering from them, is it? Before I get lectured, I’m not stupid I can’t afford his bail. (Well I can but he’d screw me over without blinking) 

A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left………..

He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he was being kicked out, the sheriff would be showing up to make him leave, he’d never be allowed back or he’d be arrested. He kept repeating his son would be “snatched” out of here soon and I didn’t care. I was only thinking about myself. I was stealing his kids, leaving their father homeless. I was selfish, hypocritical, evil, heartless, a cunt, a bitch. He had his son sobbing hysterically, he had two of my kids glaring at me, my daughter crying, and me not at all shocked. All I could do was watch, anything else would have been fuel. Despite begging him not to do this in front of them. He left in a shower of glory. A day we’ll all remember forever.

Things did not magically get easier, in fact he paid me back, and I’m still cleaning up the damage, but I’ve become one of the strongest women I’ve ever met! One day I hope my story helps me save a family from hell; just like two very strong women I’ve never even met did for me.

Gotta Love Technology

I think it was July or August when he started questioning my location at just the right moment. He made life hell one morning as I was leaving for work (I wrote about it awhile back). After finally falling apart, a co-worker told me to go downtown and talk to the magistrate. I discovered they aren’t open in my county on weekends. He showed up at my job, which is 40 minutes away and he had no car. It got to the point where I would leave the normal path home and he’d immediately start texting some shitty crap to me. Within minutes. It was obvious. I tried twice to go downtown and ask for help, both times the minute my tires left the interstate he was texting. I needed my car worked on and left, but didn’t go where I originally had planned to go. (it was still regarding my car) He started texting the minute my car left the city. I remember texting him on my way home once, he had actually gone off to god knows where for days. But the closer I got to the house, the more insistent he got in demanding I answer his texts quicker. Then it hit me “that fucker knows I’m almost home”!! Sure as hell, I could see the AC condensation on the driveway (most people would think that was crazy, but live in my world for a minute)

So just a few days ago someone was working on my car and found a box that was lit up. When I googled it; sure as shit! It was a GPS tracker. A few people have asked me if I feel “vindicated”. Well no, I quit caring if anyone believed me long ago. I did however feel like I was gonna throw up. What area of my life was only mine? ANY?!? And that has been there this whole time, a year later I find it. What am I going to find next? Cause we all know he’s not done with me. Not by a long shot. 

The Infamous Message

I got the message a lot of us recognize. Some of us have written it. Some of us have received it. The one that comes from the new supply, the new perfect love interest, the new angel waiting to save the day. The now desperate one looking for answers, looking to have their questions answered and concerns validated. The one that is no longer sure what to think of this wonderful person they have come to love and adore. The one that now questions how much of what they’ve been told is true.

Part of me thought “tread carefully”, we all know getting sucked back in happens more than once and anyone that validated the initial concerns is subject to an onslaught of hell, so I really don’t want to be that person. All over again. At the same time, shouldn’t I say “run like hell! No, you’re not crazy!” What is my moral obligation, my ethical obligation? I’m still clawing myself out of hell though, so I can’t hold her hand.

She didn’t marry him and doesn’t have a child with him. It’s easier. She got sick of his shit, kicked him out and now he has nothing. He sends me a text that said he won’t have his phone for awhile (not that I asked) and “hope you girls are ok. With all my heart. Bye.”

And here we go. I can feel the nurturing, sympathizing, caring wife creeping into the back of my soul. And I don’t like it, not one damn bit!

He Was A Busy Bee

It’s been 9 months and I’m still baffled by the crap I find out. I stopped looking long ago but every once in awhile a nugget of “holy shit” information falls into my lap. While I was sleeping (instead of drinking and acting like a damn fool) my darling husband was calling people and pouring his awful, sad, pitiful, lonely, abandoned story out to whomever would listen. Or rather yet, to whomever would give him money.

So the story goes that I kicked him and my stepson out of the house and they were on the street with nowhere to go. He desperately needed money to get them a hotel room to stay in for awhile. He was in such despair and felt so hopeless that he saw no other way than to commit suicide if he didn’t get money for them. <<<< are you fucking kidding me?? Yet another example of the twisted shit they come up with and how they will use their own children for their personal gain.

This was around the time he rented an SUV and left for a month. He wouldn’t tell me where he was, but he told his son he went on a business trip to Texas. However, if stalking me was the same as going to Texas, than I guess that’s what he did. There were 5 people sending him a decent amount of money every week or whatever. Until they caught on one at a time and cut him off.

Ironically, I had enough of his shit and screwed up games and had finally seen an open doorway. I told him not to come back, that he left. Period. When the money well ran dry guess what? He miraculously loved us so much and desperately wanted to work on his marriage. I knew he only came back because he ran out of money, I just didn’t have the source or anything to back it up.

When he came back and I had no choice about it I became severely depressed. Again. I still worked and took care of kids. He curled up on the damn couch, stayed in the next room with headphones on, or followed me around begging me to “fix my marriage”. For almost another full month, every day was a psychological torture session.

And Life Keeps Going

I’m still fucked up in ways most people can’t imagine. I am multiple people and nobody knows or sees the full me. Nobody would want to; if this shocks you then you may know some of that, but if this doesn’t shock you then you don’t want to hear any part of that. I’m sure that made zero sense, but let’s just say I’d be giving everyone a good plot twist if my life was a movie. I still have bad dreams and panic attacks. I still feel alone most of the time and terribly misunderstood. I desperately want to feel safe, but trust no one and nothing. Everything I see and hear is up for scrutiny. Nothing is as simple as it probably should be………

This is a box. ~But what are you hiding in that box? Where was that box taken from? Why does one wall of that box seem like a different color? If it’s empty, what are you going to stuff into it? And when? Why do you want me to believe it’s just a box?

DO YOU SEE MY ISSUES WITH LIFE?

The other night I dreamt he was standing behind me at my left shoulder and I don’t remember what he was bitching about. But I remember that familiar feeling of don’t move, don’t react, don’t look scared, don’t look zoned out, don’t jump. My son later that same day told me that he dreamt his darling step dad was in the house, not saying a word, just walking around. I said that’s weird because I had a dream about him last night as well. Within the hour he showed up on my missed call list. He hasn’t texted or called in a month. My son said “mom, are you sure he doesn’t have a microphone in here somewhere?” What can I realistically say? “No, I can’t be sure because if I thought of it then he thought of it months ago.”

I don’t know if the bigger demons live within me or outside of me anymore.

 

Drunk Much

I think he’s mad. Just kidding; i know he is! I sent him the papers for custody court over his son. I would call this an over reaction at best. HE has legal custody of his son, if he gave a shit this would be playing out different. However, it’s more fun to say your wife “tricked” you into signing over custody and then tried to have you locked away. Dumbass…….if I could have you locked away, I would have played that card long ago.

He’s been asking about seeing the kids Tuesday. I never believe it’s them that he wants to see…..I think he just wants to gauge my loyalty meter. Which has dropped to basically nothing. After this temper tantrum I’ll be curious if he texts me about it anymore.

“That ain’t got a GODAMNED thing to do with what i texted you about. I haven’t been served so you can both kiss my ass. Fuck YOU! for allowing this to happen. Blame what and what you want? You’re still a lying cheating whore. Idc what you say … Can I see my good damned children????! That’s all the convo I want to have with you! (bitch) ”
You gave my number to (his ex wife)!!
Really???
“Fuck you – you heartless selfish whore of a cunt . I hope you die. You can both take me to court and I’ll gladly sit there and fucking rot before I out up with one more second of either one of you guys’ vagina monologues. I hate you both – you are a horrible PERSON. maybe your new dick will say different – but I know what I brought to the table and I’m finally glad at how much I was able to take with me. Wrap up the divorce papers. I want to be as far away from you as I possibly can. I also miss my daughter abd want some ki d of ability to be whatever part of her life that I can. That shit with (ex wife) though? Yeah …. Me and you will never be ok again

…. You think I’m nuts? God forbid someone actually get in your head … You are way more certifiable than I’ll ever be. (Bitch! … Holy shit, how I loath you)”

Happiness

I’m having this moment. Of actual happiness and I wanted to write it down before it went away. To remember that it’s possible. I have a good friend back in my life that he made sure to cut me off from. I started seeing somebody who hasn’t started off anything like my ex. So I’m just holding my breath and praying for the best. I have a stepson that no matter what, I will love forever, and no matter what he’ll know I loved him enough to make sure he came out of this with the rest of us. I have a beautiful daughter who’s only chance at having her own happy life is to keep him from ever getting into her head. And I finally faced the last war story I had. The worst thing he ever did to me, he did at the very beginning of our relationship.  I want him behind me. I want to “move on”. I survived walking through hell and never thought I’d see a light. But I made it. Right now I feel blessed and happy. Right now I feel like I can trust myself; just a little bit. Right now I’m allowing myself to have some faith; in myself and in the people who say they care about me.

Even if it only lasts a minute, at least he isn’t here to take it away from me.❣❣