The Blame Game

When you realize YOU just became the back up plan. Discarding ME meant discarding his children. The ones that “he misses so much”. And he got a job, but I refuse to believe from sun up to sun down he’s there every single day. Anyway, he was supposed to watch the kids tomorrow so I could work, well after an argument on the phone he tells me he found his self respect and won’t be allowing me to abuse him anymore. That he isn’t going to put up with my shit for two days and I’ll just have to figure it out myself.

My theory; no, he got caught lying and didn’t want to spend two days having to keep making excuses to his pissed off, annoying wife. At the expense of seeing his own kids. And he still uses guilt to make me feel like the bad guy. “Oh I should have been nicer and then the kids could have seen him”.

I guess in the end he was right all along. It WAS just a piece of paper. How many weeks ago was he all about his family still, and now he’s done with us. Found shiny new toys? I guess once you’ve been completely exposed, you have no choice but to find someone to whom all the lies can be told and believed again. I’m sure kicked out with “nothing and kept from his kids” makes a REALLY GOOD story. And I think what gets to me the most is that THIS is who he is; not the person I met again 5 years ago.

I should be getting better, but I’m only getting worse. “Share your story”…….they say……why? I feel like yesterday’s news. “You’re still talking about this?” Haha! Guess what? I’ll be dealing with his sociopathic ass for the rest of my life. The thought by itself scares the hell out of me. I’ll spend the rest of my life being made to feel guilty for any number of things. I’m sure the list has yet to be completed.

He hasn’t seen his son and daughter in two or more weeks. And passes up today, because he doesn’t want to “deal with my shit”. He’ll have a car soon……..soon typically NEVER comes with him, for most things he says. But it’s all my fault.

The Voice

There’s a certain tone he gets sometimes. It’s calm and rational. It’s a mix of concern and sad. It’s a higher pitch than normal. It’s sweet and caring. It’s attentive and always asking what’s wrong or can I get you anything. It’s a different voice than the one that he has almost everyday. From the outside looking in, it can appear genuine and caring. From the inside; that voice means danger. It means get the hell away and fast. It’s almost like that last warning sign he gives me. I’ll do what he wants and as I don’t, the voice changes gradually and becomes less caring and more demanding. It becomes less genuine and more controlling. It invokes fight or flight feelings. That’s the voice he has now. It makes you feel crazy, because you hate it and you know it means hell. But how is that possible when he’s just being so kind and loving? It’s yet another way in which you can questions your sanity. I’m tired of feeling crazy. And I’m tired of having to keep being reassured that I’m not.

Save Me

I gave the devil my hand and now he’s dragging me back to hell.

Only now I know what hell looks like and I don’t want to go.

Panic Attack #2

How many will I have to have before I can no longer number them? I don’t want to find out. So #2, it was through text, he made a comment about spanking me. Yes, it was in a sexual connotation. No, I really didn’t give a shit. Until I realized he was dead serious. And I said you actually want to hurt me. His reply basically in a nutshell; I was a mean bitch and deserved it, and spanking my ass to the point where I “wouldn’t forget it for a few days” was turning him on. ūüė≥ I even clarified AGAIN “you actually WANT to hurt me?” Yep. << that was his reply.

Next thing I knew I was curled up on the kitchen floor barely able to catch my breath thrown back to a scene that happened one morning months ago. I described what we were wearing and how I felt. All I wanted to do was get out of the room. But he would stand in front of me and tell me “I’m not stopping you from walking out”. And he’d just keep on and on about how I had to talk to him….when I would get nervous¬†I’d get mocked. “There’s no camera here. You can stop pretending like you’re gonna win an Emmy”. All I wanted to do was get out. Why I was triggered back to THAT memory I have no idea. There were so many of those moments. Wanting to run, but not being able to move. It took about 45 minutes and Valium to make it stop.

Does this just get worse with time? Just one little thing and a whole cascade of events happen in my head and it won’t stop. From the outside it sounds crazy.

I asked him once (within the last month) why has he never hit me……..his reply? Because I don’t like jail.

Is It An Addiction?

Sadly, I believe the answer is yes. I’ve spent four years taken down, crying and just knowing this time was the end and I needed to face that. Then he’d come back and declare how much he loved us and we just have to make this work. Until next time I was crying and hurt and facing that THIS was the real thing this time. And he’d come back nicer, happier, ready to truly work this out……

For four years. The depressing despair to the sudden rush of endorphins…he really DOES love us and he really is here and this isn’t the end!! Even once I got used to it, that rush of relief remained the same. I came to see that “this time” really wasn’t the end. And he’d be back. But that low to sudden high became a way of normal.

It doesn’t matter if it’s telling me a bunch of lies, cussing me out or declaring his love….it still is a “relief” to see the bridge. Maybe most people don’t confess to that because no one understands, and our friends and family only see an abusive man that you need to run from and when you don’t or find it more difficult than they think it should be; then you’re told “you must enjoy it” and “stop complaining to me about it when you won’t even do anything”. I imagine it’s very frustrating.

Its just me. Just me and six kids and I know what i would tell me, but if you think about it……it’s easier to get that relief and see the bridge just to keep functioning for them, than it is to do what I SHOULD and have to 1) find the willpower 2) fall apart for a few days in front of them. I’ve done that enough. And most importantly; THEY WON’T LET YOU LEAVE.

I used to have friends. Now I just feel alone, while he’s getting drunk with his buddies! ūüė° To hell with him, geez, my whole life is consumed whether I want it to be or not!

A Special Kind Of Stupid

That’s me. Always forgiving. Always optimistic. Always a dumbass. I’m not sure what else I can say except I can’t make it stop if I don’t stop talking to him!! And “let’s try rebuilding the friend part” isn’t working. But now I’ve heard how he’s about to run out of money. Holy hell, where have I heard this story? Oh yeah, I lived it 3 months ago!! After a few months of being accused of crap I wasn’t doing, I just got sick of it. He’d crossed the line when he got in my face. I said I wanted to live apart from him for awhile, maybe we needed some space. So what does he do? Leaves at 1am and doesn’t bother telling me where to or what he’s doing. After several weeks of crap (I’m sure I’ll fill you in later) something crazy happened; he ran out of money. So he came back. And said he was going to work on his marriage, and I had no say in it. So here were are again, last week I was Satan and this week he loves me again……could it be because he’s almost out of money?

Really?

I wasn’t trying to get back on this roller coaster. In fact, I don’t even want to go to the fair. But here I am. Why? Because I’m a dumbass. He came over to see the kids………and to plead for “redemption”. That ship has sailed. It’s even in the Bermuda Triangle! He’s using the same words, same tactics, same manipulative tricks I’ve come to recognize. This fucker was ALL about changing two weeks ago, went to rehab, LEFT, and then started a smear campaign, cussed me out daily, told me how horrendous I am, said he “washed his hands” of me, AND was drunk just three days ago! LET HIM REDEEM HIMSELF?!??!! Is he fucking crazy?! Oh wait, yes.

The Man I Fell In Love With

He was funny, good looking, charming, romantic. He was exactly what my ¬†perpetually insecure little brain needed. He was always willing to reassure me, he would text me those texts every giddy school girl wants; good morning, goodnight. He made me feel beautiful and sexy and truly wanted. He was patient with me when I’d end up on some crazy emotional limb, he’d talk sense into me and I’d feel 100x better. He could rationalize things I couldn’t word quite right.

He rubbed my feet after work, he made me breakfast in bed, he woke up with a huge smile for me everyday. He let me sleep when I was working night shift, he’d clean the house……almost as good as a woman would. Haha! He cooked dinner for the kids often, he’d make cookies, cakes, muffins for nothing. Just randomly surprise the kids.

He took them fishing, he built this awesome fort in the woods with them. He decorated the house for a Halloween party one year, he did an Easter egg hunt one year. He took us to play putt-putt and swimming at a pond in the mountains. We did things together, we are dinner together, we helped the kids together.

I remember the exact moment he started changing. I made the comment “you used to reassure me when I was insecure”. He replied “we’ve been together long enough now that you shouldn’t need constant reassurance”. And he just evolved from there.

Devaluing

There comes a point when you have to face what you already know. It becomes clearer and clearer just how soulless they are. You can deny it and they will just keep feeding off of you. They will take everything that you value, including what you value about yourself. The two things I’m proud of the most~

1) My ability to be a good mother. I have every mothering gene that any female in my family didn’t get for the last decade. I’m not a perfect one, don’t get me wrong. But I do believe I’m intuitive as hell when it comes to kids. He took that from me. Slowly, everything is slowly, so you don’t notice. The subtle comment here and there to the obvious comment here and there to the downright degrading of me in front of my own kids, who have naturally and understandably have less respect for me. When they’ve heard it too for so long it becomes a question for them as well……..maybe my mom IS a bad mom. I do think this is one of the reasons my 5 year old is a pint sized monster.

2) My nursing degree. I didn’t go to college and get a degree and then get married and have kids. I had a disabled child, lived in the hospital most of the first year and was tethered to multiple doctors and therapists for more years. I went to school and my ex-husbands father helped support us while I did. Yes, I owe that man a lot for giving me the ability to be independent. We separated in my last year and I finished nursing school a single mom of two boys and guardian of my wild 15 year old sister. That slowly became devalued as well. First it was jokingly “yeah, your father in law paid all the bills. Haha” and then not so jokingly “how hard can it be, you only work 2 or 3 days a week. Most of us dont get that luxury” and eventually “you can’t possibly have any bedside manner, you’re such a cold selfish bitch” My confusion often lied in his mocking of me for having help getting through college when he was in school and it was ME paying all the bills and taking care of everything while he studied……