The Past Is Your Home

     I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make sense out of something that will never be comprehensible. I am so out of touch with just about everyone in my life, or anyone that USED to be in my life. I don’t know how to make it stop. It used to be that I simply couldn’t relate with anyone on any everyday level. Then it felt like things were getting better, I was gaining ground and moving forward. When I stopped for a moment to take inventory, there was no one there. As I looked around, no one was standing there. Not even the people that just stuck around to watch me fail. How did I get here?

       In exactly one week will be our two year anniversary. Two years of being married, for 6 months. I’m married. I have a husband. I’m someone’s wife. I have a wedding ring and a few pictures to prove it. As that two year date approaches, I am more heartbroken now than I was nearing our one year anniversary. 

        I wait patiently to find out what next week will bring. I’ve been nonexistent to him for almost a year now (except the occasional cussing out I’ve received). But as we all know, sociopaths are unpredictable in their timing. Although predictable in their actions. 

        I’m falling off a cliff. Becoming more isolated, more angry, more apathetic. Becoming someone that I completely do not recognize. 

Reflections of the Day

     I am weeks away from hitting that moment one year ago where he left in a blaze of glory. Why am I still on this fucking roller coaster? Why am I ok for weeks, long enough to think I’m ok, just to go all the back to square one? 

     I’m not ok. My children are not ok. And you know what sucks?!? Getting help for them NOW is just as hard as getting help for all of us was back then. WHY? 

     I also find out this week when exactly we go back to court. Four addresses and a month of newspaper ads just to get this sorry son of a bitch served. He dodged it for a year. Amazing. I looked at his Facebook page today……yeah, I know. Don’t do that. I’ll give you three guesses on the number of photos he has of his children or even any indication he ever had a life in this place………ZERO. 

      Yes, he looks happy with his new victim. But he also looks drunk and high. Some things never change. By the way, that is the same supply that messaged me a few months back. Just another human that sold her soul to the devil. 

Court

We actually had court Oct 15th, a month ago. I never got around to writing about it. So after three counties, four addresses and paying for publication, he was never personally “served”. He’d call me and cuss me out for “sending the sheriffs out again.” So he knew he was being searched for and why. 

It should be no shock that he didn’t show up. I am so thankful that we were the only ones in the courtroom. I was asked several questions “for the court”. One of which was “can you tell the court what names you would be called in front of the children.” It’s impossible to look a judge in the face while repeating “selfish bitch”, “judgemental bitch”, “cheating whore”, “fucking cunt”. 

After all that added to the significant history of substance abuse, it was placed in the papers he is to have no visitation until he goes through the courts. That’s fine with me. Now I just have to find a way to explain to my daughter at various stages of her life why I felt it was best that it worked out that way. It’s also hard to know that one day she’ll be around him, he is afterall her dad and she’ll be curious one day. But more importantly when that happens, he won’t be glad to see his daughter, he’ll already be planning out how he can take advantage of her. 

A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left………..

He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he was being kicked out, the sheriff would be showing up to make him leave, he’d never be allowed back or he’d be arrested. He kept repeating his son would be “snatched” out of here soon and I didn’t care. I was only thinking about myself. I was stealing his kids, leaving their father homeless. I was selfish, hypocritical, evil, heartless, a cunt, a bitch. He had his son sobbing hysterically, he had two of my kids glaring at me, my daughter crying, and me not at all shocked. All I could do was watch, anything else would have been fuel. Despite begging him not to do this in front of them. He left in a shower of glory. A day we’ll all remember forever.

Things did not magically get easier, in fact he paid me back, and I’m still cleaning up the damage, but I’ve become one of the strongest women I’ve ever met! One day I hope my story helps me save a family from hell; just like two very strong women I’ve never even met did for me.

The Infamous Message

I got the message a lot of us recognize. Some of us have written it. Some of us have received it. The one that comes from the new supply, the new perfect love interest, the new angel waiting to save the day. The now desperate one looking for answers, looking to have their questions answered and concerns validated. The one that is no longer sure what to think of this wonderful person they have come to love and adore. The one that now questions how much of what they’ve been told is true.

Part of me thought “tread carefully”, we all know getting sucked back in happens more than once and anyone that validated the initial concerns is subject to an onslaught of hell, so I really don’t want to be that person. All over again. At the same time, shouldn’t I say “run like hell! No, you’re not crazy!” What is my moral obligation, my ethical obligation? I’m still clawing myself out of hell though, so I can’t hold her hand.

She didn’t marry him and doesn’t have a child with him. It’s easier. She got sick of his shit, kicked him out and now he has nothing. He sends me a text that said he won’t have his phone for awhile (not that I asked) and “hope you girls are ok. With all my heart. Bye.”

And here we go. I can feel the nurturing, sympathizing, caring wife creeping into the back of my soul. And I don’t like it, not one damn bit!