Finally Moving On

This will start out as a boring story, but stick with me........ It's been three years since I actually talked to a male long enough to develop any sort of interest, and I wasn't planning on it when it started about 7 weeks ago. We never did actually meet in person, although we actively made … Continue reading Finally Moving On

You Again?

It was almost a year ago that I had my last major ptsd flashback attack, until tonight. Triggered by the anger of my almost adult son. There I was suddenly back to 2015. Trying to quiet a child, trying not to look panicked, trying to keep busy......and this tiny little voice was trying to say … Continue reading You Again?

The Climb Continues

It seems like so long ago. But it still feels like yesterday. Some things have gotten better, some have gotten worse, and still some have stayed the same. I was thinking about it one night and I have been giving myself the "you'll heal with time" speech for a really long time now. So I … Continue reading The Climb Continues

Memory Lane…..literally 

I was working, which involves going to people's houses. I had been asked to go to a city a distance away and I wasn't at all happy about it. As I was getting closer though I realized I was headed straight for our old "stomping grounds". Where he lived, where his best friend lived, where … Continue reading Memory Lane…..literally 

Court

We actually had court Oct 15th, a month ago. I never got around to writing about it. So after three counties, four addresses and paying for publication, he was never personally "served". He'd call me and cuss me out for "sending the sheriffs out again." So he knew he was being searched for and why.  … Continue reading Court

The Elephant in the Room

I've spent two days allowing myself to be scared of FB and the shit storm Id get if I opened my mouth (like everyone else freely does). I've panicked and flashbacked and been made to feel foolish and mocked and dramatic. I've cried for two days watching someone I very much look up to spend … Continue reading The Elephant in the Room

Trauma Bonding

       I guess that's what I'm going through. My husband is in jail, I only found out through his EX-wife, who seems to know more about what he's up to than I do. Six nights or more ago she called the police on him from three hours away. I don't agree with what … Continue reading Trauma Bonding

A Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago, almost to the hour, my husband left........... He discovered weeks and weeks of attempts (from various tactics) had not stopped me from meeting with my attorney that afternoon.  He made sure to have an audience (i.e.; every child in this house) as he flew through the house packing, telling them he … Continue reading A Year Ago Today…..

This Too Shall Pass

I read in support groups a lot from the victim that states they can't keep going, there's no end in sight, they'll be tortured forever. I just have to say; I almost agree. It's HARD to keep going, the end is never in sight but the onslaught of daily torture at least eases up quite … Continue reading This Too Shall Pass

Say WHAT?

So I got blessed out by my stepsons mothers boyfriend.......first of all; who the fuck is he? Nobody. Not a single important human in my life. Second; I have little respect for a woman who can't handle her own shit or let's a man take over just so he can assert his asshole-ness. Why did … Continue reading Say WHAT?

Round and Round

I don't really give a shit what you want to call it anymore. PTSD, C-PTSD, narcisstic abuse syndrome; it's all the same hell. You're on a hamster wheel and you can't get off. You go through all the stages of grief and think you're ok or at least headed in that direction, but FUCK NO! … Continue reading Round and Round

And Life Keeps Going

I'm still fucked up in ways most people can't imagine. I am multiple people and nobody knows or sees the full me. I still have bad dreams and panic attacks. I still feel alone most of the time and terribly misunderstood. I desperately want to feel safe, but trust no one and nothing. Everything I … Continue reading And Life Keeps Going

Cognitive Dissonance 

Thanks to the darling husband, I've been able to expand my educational horizon. "Cognitive dissonance is a concept in social psychology. It is the discomfort felt by a person who holds conflicting ideas, beliefs or values at the same time. In this state, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. Reacting to this … Continue reading Cognitive Dissonance 

Happy Anniversary 

One year ago. Today. I married the man I am now separated from. I thought I'd be indifferent today, but I'm not. I'd like to crawl into a closet with a bottle of wine, or two or three. At the same time, I guess marrying me actually did me a favor. It gave him the … Continue reading Happy Anniversary 

That’s A Wrap!

When they no longer need you for anything; that's it. Nothing. No calls. No texts. No goodbye. That's just it. You can feel it in your heart or soul or whatever. The emptiness. And that's what came to mind......... You're standing there and you find out you were on a movie set and he was … Continue reading That’s A Wrap!

Twenty Years From Now, Twenty Years Ago

I was at work a few days ago and having a hard time focusing, thinking, interacting, ect (I understand this to be part of PTSD) I had a co-worker who is not aware of the current events taking place in my life, she just could tell it was a bad day. She was talking and … Continue reading Twenty Years From Now, Twenty Years Ago

Open Letter to the Rest of the World

It seems as though I have people in my life that think I write this for them. Well, I don't. I've been told stop writing everything and "move on". Stop talking about it so much, it really just needs to be put in the past so you can "move on". Yeah, what an asshole, you … Continue reading Open Letter to the Rest of the World

Nothing New To See Here

He won't bother to make a plan to see his children. I ask him, too much in fact. Oh, he's just been busy.....working his ass off. He's gonna have a phone and car in the morning. And "his own" place in six days! Yes, I made the shitty comment "you wanted to see your kids … Continue reading Nothing New To See Here

Honor Thy Father?

This is the shortened conversation I had with him regarding his son. Me-you need to talk to his mother. Him-I have nothing to say to that bitch. Me-you actually have to come up with some kind of parenting agreement. Him-tough shit, you handle since you think you know what's best for everyone. Me-YOU are his … Continue reading Honor Thy Father?

The Power Of Guilt

 There are days I wake up feeling guilty. I have to think hard for awhile to come up with a source for that guilt. Guilt for me has always been a confusing emotion. It's like a bad heartbreak and you just want it to stop. If you can get the source of the guilt, it's … Continue reading The Power Of Guilt