The Weight of the World

Maybe I was floating for a little while or maybe I was always drowning and just convinced myself I wasn’t anymore. I don’t know. But having a minute to think things were improving was nice while it lasted; real or not.

I’m at a crossroads in my life that most people never have to face. And I wonder if I’m just so far under water that I can’t think rationally anymore. That’s a very likely possibility. Every ptsd symptom I had that I thought was getting better has come back.

Why? My son. My son who is seven, has little clue he was abused and zero control over his body or emotions. The rages. Like snowballs rolling downhill, getting bigger and bigger. He can scream so loud now that it hurts my ears. He’s volitile; so I’m always on edge. He torments my three year old daughter. He screams in her face, shoves her around. He tells me daily he hates me, I’m “a jerk”, and numerous times daily. Or we hate him. He always says we all hate him. He throws things and tears up stuff. It’s impossible to know what’s going to set him off anymore.

I’m scared for all of us but mostly my daughter. I try to stay right there with them, but it’s virtually impossible to do 100% of the time.

Yes, he’s in therapy. Things are only getting worse. He’s getting more violent and my daughter is starting to have her own ptsd symptoms. I can’t give him what he needs at that moment AND protect her at the exact same time. I feel just as alone now as I did when I was with and trying to leave my husband.

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