Reflections of the Day

     I am weeks away from hitting that moment one year ago where he left in a blaze of glory. Why am I still on this fucking roller coaster? Why am I ok for weeks, long enough to think I’m ok, just to go all the back to square one? 

     I’m not ok. My children are not ok. And you know what sucks?!? Getting help for them NOW is just as hard as getting help for all of us was back then. WHY? 

     I also find out this week when exactly we go back to court. Four addresses and a month of newspaper ads just to get this sorry son of a bitch served. He dodged it for a year. Amazing. I looked at his Facebook page today……yeah, I know. Don’t do that. I’ll give you three guesses on the number of photos he has of his children or even any indication he ever had a life in this place………ZERO. 

      Yes, he looks happy with his new victim. But he also looks drunk and high. Some things never change. By the way, that is the same supply that messaged me a few months back. Just another human that sold her soul to the devil. 

Court

We actually had court Oct 15th, a month ago. I never got around to writing about it. So after three counties, four addresses and paying for publication, he was never personally “served”. He’d call me and cuss me out for “sending the sheriffs out again.” So he knew he was being searched for and why. 

It should be no shock that he didn’t show up. I am so thankful that we were the only ones in the courtroom. I was asked several questions “for the court”. One of which was “can you tell the court what names you would be called in front of the children.” It’s impossible to look a judge in the face while repeating “selfish bitch”, “judgemental bitch”, “cheating whore”, “fucking cunt”. 

After all that added to the significant history of substance abuse, it was placed in the papers he is to have no visitation until he goes through the courts. That’s fine with me. Now I just have to find a way to explain to my daughter at various stages of her life why I felt it was best that it worked out that way. It’s also hard to know that one day she’ll be around him, he is afterall her dad and she’ll be curious one day. But more importantly when that happens, he won’t be glad to see his daughter, he’ll already be planning out how he can take advantage of her. 

The Elephant in the Room

I’ve spent two days allowing myself to be scared of FB and the shit storm Id get if I opened my mouth (like everyone else freely does). I’ve panicked and flashbacked and been made to feel foolish and mocked and dramatic. I’ve cried for two days watching someone I very much look up to spend more time ranting than he does asking about me and these kids. So I did exactly what everyone on FB says to do; “educate yourself” So I did. I’ve watched multiple news videos, documentaries, interviews………and now I understand. Unless you have been eye to eye with a REAL narcissist, you simply CAN NOT see it. Even his nastiest comments don’t compare to my husband as much as his simple day to day conversations. The grandiosity, the self inflation, the invincible attitude, the “smarter than everyone”, “I can do what I want” mentality. All of it. We see it because we’ve seen it! No one really knows what a narcissist looks like, talks like, acts like. I just watched my husband, minus the millions of dollars. And I feel sick to my stomach; because the reality is…..no one else can see it except the small percentage of us that have lived with it. You can even see it in his family. You can even see the “do what he wants or we’ll catch hell later” look in their eyes. You can see the choked up defending of this man. You can even hear the classic “I am God” just in the way he talks about his own daughter. All the way down to the “let me tell you about my low start in life”. I’m scared. It’s not just in the crap he says about others, it’s in the way he talks about himself. It’s in the way he perceives others feel about him! At the same time, I won’t feel (dare I say it) triggered on FB anymore, which has been a ptsd nightmare for 2 days., because I know without a doubt I’m not “wrong”. He didn’t run for president cause he gives a damn, he ran because hes no longer getting his narcissistic feed off those around him. He ran because he is a typical grandiose “I was made for bigger things” narcissist. I respect everyone for their opinions. I understand it was a lot of disgust for Hillary or disgust of the government. I don’t even care who voted for who. I have a whole lot bigger shit to clean up and tomorrow I’ll still be doing this alone. But I will say this;  a narcissist can divide the strongest of friends. This one is dividing the country.

Trauma Bonding

       I guess that’s what I’m going through. My husband is in jail, I only found out through his EX-wife, who seems to know more about what he’s up to than I do. Six nights or more ago she called the police on him from three hours away. I don’t agree with what she did. She knew he was drunk and that wasn’t gonna end well. 

Anyway, it’s been a year since we separated. I’d gotten all this “strength” back. So why am I breaking apart all over again? Like he just left. Why am I sitting here feeling sorry for him? Wanting to save him? He’s a monster; I don’t need to be told. He doesn’t deserve to have me crying over him. But that impeccable urge to run and protect him is overwhelming. I’m just pissed at myself because I never would have thought I’d be time warped back to that feeling of when he had just left. I’ve read one of the things you don’t do is bash the abuser to the victim: it will only make the bond stronger. How long is this shit gonna last?!?? A year is really nothing when it comes to recovering from them, is it? Before I get lectured, I’m not stupid I can’t afford his bail. (Well I can but he’d screw me over without blinking)