The Lives They Ruin

       I think the hardest thing I deal with these days is wondering when or if I’ll ever forgive myself as a mother. I look at pictures of my 6 year old who was so happy and carefree 4 years ago. He was barely 2 when my husband and I got together, so all he remembers is that man being around. He treated my children like shit. I’d say be nicer to him, spend more time with him, don’t be so harsh on him, ect. But for 4 years that poor child had to hear what a brat he was, no manners, coddled, needed his “ass beat”. He was made to sit still for a ridiculous amount of time for a little kid. Always in trouble, always too loud, too wild, too active. He still wets the bed at night and he would get ridiculed for that all the time. He heard all the time what a shitty mom I was and how I was doing it awful and that’s why my kids were so bad.  Now my 6 year rages, screams, says he gonna kill himself cause everyone hates him, tells me he hates me all the time, is purposefully defiant, mean, annoying, you name it. I try so hard to have patience and remember he went through the most of the kids cause they went to school. But his behavior is making life so damn hard and I can only beat myself up because I should have made it stop long ago. And I shutter to think what I didn’t witness.

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