This Too Shall Pass

I read in support groups a lot from the “victim” that states they can’t keep going, there’s no end in sight, they’ll be tortured forever. I just have to say; I almost agree. It’s HARD to keep going, the end is never in sight but the onslaught of daily torture at least eases up quite a bit. I remember falling apart on the floor and trying not to let the kids see me or see how hard it was for me to just move from one place to the next. There were many many days I took inventory, I wasn’t going to make it and I knew it. I prepared for my kids, I had a plan and I knew it was just a matter of time. (and this was even after he left) But one day I saw it all crystal clear. If I was dead……I would give him the greatest gift ever. He could spend the rest of his life milking the fact that he was a poor widower after only a few months of marriage, that he was a poor single dad, barely able to make it financially. He would be set for life. So it was at that time I made the decision that I absolutely would not be giving him that gift. If I had to live with daily torture in the heat of hell, it was better than giving him a lifetime of pity, sympathy and support.

I don’t feel that way anymore. He’s been gone and found new lies to tell that my existence or lack of, wouldn’t do anything for him. So if you’re reading this and you’re at that place of giving up……DON’T. They don’t deserve the sacrifice of anyone.

The Infamous Message

I got the message a lot of us recognize. Some of us have written it. Some of us have received it. The one that comes from the new supply, the new perfect love interest, the new angel waiting to save the day. The now desperate one looking for answers, looking to have their questions answered and concerns validated. The one that is no longer sure what to think of this wonderful person they have come to love and adore. The one that now questions how much of what they’ve been told is true.

Part of me thought “tread carefully”, we all know getting sucked back in happens more than once and anyone that validated the initial concerns is subject to an onslaught of hell, so I really don’t want to be that person. All over again. At the same time, shouldn’t I say “run like hell! No, you’re not crazy!” What is my moral obligation, my ethical obligation? I’m still clawing myself out of hell though, so I can’t hold her hand.

She didn’t marry him and doesn’t have a child with him. It’s easier. She got sick of his shit, kicked him out and now he has nothing. He sends me a text that said he won’t have his phone for awhile (not that I asked) and “hope you girls are ok. With all my heart. Bye.”

And here we go. I can feel the nurturing, sympathizing, caring wife creeping into the back of my soul. And I don’t like it, not one damn bit!

Say WHAT?

So I got blessed out by my stepsons mothers boyfriend…….first of all; who the fuck is he? Nobody. Not a single important human in my life. Second; I have little respect for a woman who can’t handle her own shit or let’s a man take over just so he can assert his asshole-ness. Why did I get a “stern talking to”…? Cause I haven’t taken my stepson off of my health insurance. Yep, that’s right. They can’t take him to the doctor or even get his medicine….are you fucking kidding me?!?? And I’m immature and irresponsible. Where have I heard that? Oh yeah, my husband gave me the EXACT SAME lecture one night cause I was late due to the fact I got my car looked at cause the “check engine” light was on. I remember him jumping up and down in the kitchen telling me that if I was his child I wouldn’t be acting like an irresponsible teenager. Lmao! I was the only one who worked. So anyway, stupid boyfriend already screwed up by acting exactly like my sociopathic husband. 

THEN he says I don’t have “child’s” best interest in mind. WHAT?!? The one I fought to make sure stayed with me? The one that I fully financially supported? The one that crushed my soul to lose? The one who lived with us cause his mother cooked meth? THAT CHILD? And I don’t have his best interest in mind. CAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DOES?! Holy shit. 

These people are trying to make sure he stays separated from his sister and step brothers. I have never met more self serving, self righteous jackasses in my life. They make me sick. 

And then there it was……a panick attack, flashbacks from hell, the very thing I hadn’t seen in awhile. Because a man felt the need to put his ass in business that wasn’t his. I guess of all the “triggers” I have gotten past, asshole men are going to be the one I keep for a very long time. 

The Lives They Ruin

       I think the hardest thing I deal with these days is wondering when or if I’ll ever forgive myself as a mother. I look at pictures of my 6 year old who was so happy and carefree 4 years ago. He was barely 2 when my husband and I got together, so all he remembers is that man being around. He treated my children like shit. I’d say be nicer to him, spend more time with him, don’t be so harsh on him, ect. But for 4 years that poor child had to hear what a brat he was, no manners, coddled, needed his “ass beat”. He was made to sit still for a ridiculous amount of time for a little kid. Always in trouble, always too loud, too wild, too active. He still wets the bed at night and he would get ridiculed for that all the time. He heard all the time what a shitty mom I was and how I was doing it awful and that’s why my kids were so bad.  Now my 6 year rages, screams, says he gonna kill himself cause everyone hates him, tells me he hates me all the time, is purposefully defiant, mean, annoying, you name it. I try so hard to have patience and remember he went through the most of the kids cause they went to school. But his behavior is making life so damn hard and I can only beat myself up because I should have made it stop long ago. And I shutter to think what I didn’t witness.