Drunk Much

I think he’s mad. Just kidding; i know he is! I sent him the papers for custody court over his son. I would call this an over reaction at best. HE has legal custody of his son, if he gave a shit this would be playing out different. However, it’s more fun to say your wife “tricked” you into signing over custody and then tried to have you locked away. Dumbass…….if I could have you locked away, I would have played that card long ago.

He’s been asking about seeing the kids Tuesday. I never believe it’s them that he wants to see…..I think he just wants to gauge my loyalty meter. Which has dropped to basically nothing. After this temper tantrum I’ll be curious if he texts me about it anymore.

“That ain’t got a GODAMNED thing to do with what i texted you about. I haven’t been served so you can both kiss my ass. Fuck YOU! for allowing this to happen. Blame what and what you want? You’re still a lying cheating whore. Idc what you say … Can I see my good damned children????! That’s all the convo I want to have with you! (bitch) ”
You gave my number to (his ex wife)!!
Really???
“Fuck you – you heartless selfish whore of a cunt . I hope you die. You can both take me to court and I’ll gladly sit there and fucking rot before I out up with one more second of either one of you guys’ vagina monologues. I hate you both – you are a horrible PERSON. maybe your new dick will say different – but I know what I brought to the table and I’m finally glad at how much I was able to take with me. Wrap up the divorce papers. I want to be as far away from you as I possibly can. I also miss my daughter abd want some ki d of ability to be whatever part of her life that I can. That shit with (ex wife) though? Yeah …. Me and you will never be ok again

…. You think I’m nuts? God forbid someone actually get in your head … You are way more certifiable than I’ll ever be. (Bitch! … Holy shit, how I loath you)”

Happiness

I’m having this moment. Of actual happiness and I wanted to write it down before it went away. To remember that it’s possible. I have a good friend back in my life that he made sure to cut me off from. I started seeing somebody who hasn’t started off anything like my ex. So I’m just holding my breath and praying for the best. I have a stepson that no matter what, I will love forever, and no matter what he’ll know I loved him enough to make sure he came out of this with the rest of us. I have a beautiful daughter who’s only chance at having her own happy life is to keep him from ever getting into her head. And I finally faced the last war story I had. The worst thing he ever did to me, he did at the very beginning of our relationship.  I want him behind me. I want to “move on”. I survived walking through hell and never thought I’d see a light. But I made it. Right now I feel blessed and happy. Right now I feel like I can trust myself; just a little bit. Right now I’m allowing myself to have some faith; in myself and in the people who say they care about me.

Even if it only lasts a minute, at least he isn’t here to take it away from me.❣❣

Cognitive Dissonance 

Thanks to the darling husband, I’ve been able to expand my educational horizon.

“Cognitive dissonance is a concept in social psychology. It is the discomfort felt by a person who holds conflicting ideas, beliefs or values at the same time. In this state, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. Reacting to this unpleasant state, people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance was developed to predict and explain how people reacted to this situation.”

Narcissistic abuse causes cognitive dissonance. Then they use it to keep you in a constant state of chaos. I don’t know if they all do, but mine could rationalize anything he wanted to. He could later contradict his rationale and make that sound 100% rational. At first, it was a trait I liked about him; the ability to make sense out of certain feelings, emotions, events, ect. I would say “he kept me grounded” when I’d over react or have so much emotion about something and couldn’t think rationally. But the other side of the coin was revealed and when I would think or feel a way about him or his behavior, he’d rationalize it 100%.

I guess eventually I stopped turning to myself for insight. Because he always rationalized the things I was clearly over reacting about. After five years, not trusting myself or my reactions and questioning everything around me became normal. Before we separated, he just knew I had to be listening to someone else. “Who’s filling your head with all of this?” “You need to stop listening to whoever you’re talking to and come to your senses..” <<<< so he knew I couldn’t think without his rationale. Somehow, from somewhere, I finally found my voice and I didn’t have to listen to anyone else.

I woke up one day and realized it was almost crippling. Where would I turn for rational thinking when I couldn’t think rationally? How was I supposed to feel or react to things when the “voice of reason” wasn’t there to tell me how? When it came to him, I learned. His rationales no longer made sense at all. In fact, a lot of what he said didn’t even make sense anymore.

Cognitive dissonance remains a daily part of my existence. Every single new situation. Every single person I know or meet. I think this is why so many victims escape only to find themselves victims again. We’re so busy telling ourselves that we are being hyper vigilant and we have to learn to trust people again. I have found the better I know how my psyche was taken hostage; the better I am at trusting myself and hopefully someday, other people.