I was at work a few days ago and having a hard time focusing, thinking, interacting, ect (I understand this to be part of PTSD) I had a co-worker who is not aware of the current events taking place in my life, she just could tell it was a bad day. She was talking and she kinda chuckled and said you have to think “will this matter in 20 years?” I told her “yes, it will very much matter”. The lives of multiple people will be forever changed because of the last 4.5 years. It’s hard to comprehend.
It dawned on me today that maybe it would have been nice to get this life lesson earlier in my life. (like maybe 20 years ago?) It didn’t take long for my thoughts to realize no, if this had happened to me 20 years ago I would not have survived. I simply would not have lived through it. I wonder how many people have died by their own hands trying to escape from someone who has them emotionally and mentally held hostage? There were times months ago where my hope floundered and I thought this would never end; he’d own me forever. I thought about taking my life just to escape from it, many times. My daughter is the ONLY reason I didn’t. My boys have a good dad and great family on his side, I never have to worry about that. My daughter has virtually no one. He’d raise her……or he wouldn’t and she’d become property of the state. I think my son saw this in me and said to me “Mom, if anything happens to you, I’m taking her and running away. Hope you’re ok with that. I won’t let him raise her.” That alone was a realization that it wasn’t just me who could see me losing hope. So I finally “broke free”…………..
The thing about sociopathic people is they show their true colors much brighter AFTER you leave them. The verbal, mental, emotional assaults were almost unbearable. Every single day. Always hearing what a hard time he’s having because of me, how he’s hungry and struggling because of me….not once did it fucking dawn on him that it was ME with six children by myself. You KNOW you had to be a real fuck up for someone to be willing to raise 6 kids alone over staying with your crazy ass!
But everyday was a struggle, everyday is still a struggle. Fighting to keep my job, fighting to cry enough, but not too much, to keep myself somewhat together in front of the kids. I tolerate nothing. I have zero reserve for anymore stress. I am no fun, I rarely laugh, I live this nightmare every day, all day. All while still being jerked around on a string by this egotistical maniac who wants to change so badly one day and then “washes his hands of me” the next. For months now. Up and down. I’m drained overly dry. It wasn’t long ago, not long at all, I got my “ducks in a row”. Except for my baby girl. There are only two people I’d want to raise her; but you can’t exactly say “hey, take my daughter if I turn up dead.” One I’ve casually said it to and the other saw her born (and now you know). Yes, I’ve been on that edge closer than ever. Yes, I made a plan that wasn’t going to fail. 20 years ago, I’d be gone by now. However, as much as I struggle and fight, I’ve lived long enough now to know that it might be 5 years or 15 years from now, but one day I’ll laugh, have fun and be happy again. One day my heart and my brain will be free. (It also helped a lot knowing he’d make sure he was the torn up and pitiful widow before his first anniversary. Knowing he’d milk it for himself forever and I refuse to give that to him!)
So here I am. Taking advantage of the “good days” and realizing I can’t stop the “bad days” so I allow myself that time. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of the last 4 years. At least by then it won’t be all consuming anymore.