Wasted Intelligence 

My husband is so freakin smart. He could do anything. He just can’t stay on one path long and accomplish anything. Three years ago, after we talked about it, he wanted to go to college. He was so determined and he swore he was going to finish because “everyone always expects him to fail”, “everyone thinks he can’t accomplish anything” and he was going to prove EVERYONE WRONG! He started in the summer, and it wasn’t easy I’m sure. He spent most of his time studying and made it to the next semester. He spent all his time studying still and I really just wanted a little help in the house. I was too needy, the kids were too loud, he couldn’t study in the house. So he had the remarkable idea to make an office out of a building in our back yard. I’ll tell you, he went into that building for two years and never came out the same. He’d stay out there all night studying sometimes, and at one point he was so tired of my “neediness” that he decided to just live out there. Haha!! He made a nice little shack out back and damn if he didn’t stay there most of the time. I was pregnant and extremely depressed. Gosh, I can’t figure why…..

He was such an ass to me. He’d tell me to “shoo” he didn’t have time for my crap. Go cry somewhere else. Come back when I was stable. Leave him the fuck alone, go away, quit being so needy. I was convinced it was me and just having wild pregnancy hormones. After I had the baby, I’d be normal and he’d be nice to me again……? Sure. No, he still stayed out there, and I figured new baby, postpartum stress, it would be ok soon. Soon never comes with him.

When he began failing school “it was me that had it planned out for him”. I was the one that thought he should go to school. I couldn’t figure out why he was failing when he spent 20 hours a damn day studying!

He got an idea for a Facebook app and talked one of his classmates into doing the project with him. At first it was a few hours a week, and then a few hours a day, and then one Thursday he left. Just left. Said he’d be back in a week. That he and his partner HAD to finish this app NOW! I was still stuck on how he JUST LEFT! You don’t just decide to leave your family for a week!!! I was never letting him come back, that was it, he crossed the line, I was done.

A week later he came flying in with a huge smile and oh how much he missed “his favorite girls” and justified himself full force. In the end I obviously didn’t leave him. He promised he’d never do that again and he was sorry………sure. But they finished their app. And it actually worked, I was truly happy for him, and proud of him. But that became ALL he focused on!! That was it. Failed out of school, blamed me of course. They worked on that app for two and three days straight. I just wanted a real partner, but that was me being selfish and not letting him have hopes and dreams. So I felt……….guilty.

That fucking app went on for awhile, got popular, but he didn’t know how to act and was cocky and arrogant to the people that used it. Half of them quit just because he was such an unstable jerk. He convinced (himself only) everyone that he was going to be rich, he’d finally “made it”, we’d never have to worry about money again and promised the kids we’d go to Disney World for Christmas. One of the MANY he broke to those kids. They all learned to simply blow him off.

Needless to say that didn’t happen. And he wasn’t real happy and it was everyone else’s fault, including mine cause I expected too much from him. That fucking app destroyed my family.(it would have been something else) but that’s how I saw it and still see it. He is so smart he could have really done something amazing, but he expects instant glory and fame. He wants the success and attention and he wants it NOW!

The same is true of people. He wants compliance, trust, loyalty, love, care, concern……..even after he’s the one that fucked up……..but he wants it NOW. There is no rebuilding, there is no repairing, there is no time taken to heal old wounds. He wants you to love and cherish him again and he wants it NOW! And when you don’t, you clearly become part of the carnage he’s left behind.

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