The Power Of Guilt

 There are days I wake up feeling guilty. I have to think hard for awhile to come up with a source for that guilt. Guilt for me has always been a confusing emotion. It’s like a bad heartbreak and you just want it to stop. If you can get the source of the guilt, it’s easily fixable. I don’t know if it’s like that normally.
I’ve lived four years with that being used against me completely, and continue to live in a guilt ridden, built up world. I hate feeling guilty. With a passion.

I remember nearing the end of all I could take anymore (and this was one of his over-used phrases) he said “I’m tired of your apologies. I could wallpaper the house with your apologies”. I’ll never forget the look he had when I said “yeah, cause I’ve apologized too damn much!”

I always felt guilty; for being too needy when he had such a bad childhood. For needing his help when he was working hard at a degree that would help us all in the future. For ordering pizza two+ nights a week (yeah, I was bitched at many times for that one)

But now he’s playing Mr. Nice-Guy. And every conversation leads back to how he’s been “cold and hungry and his knee is tore up from walking and he’s been standing on the street with a sign”……..he’s easily gained 15 lbs. Go figure. But I feel guilty. Because I’ve been warm and fed and no street signs, ect.

My stepson wants to go live with his mom,  He says “he wouldn’t want to live there if his dad was here. He’d want to stay here with his dad and siblings.” “Now he’s going back to an unsafe situation because of your need to be in control.”

So where does that leave me……..feeling guilty. He won’t get involved, because “I kicked him out and made sure to make it impossible for him to have anymore say in what happens to his son.” He still has custody, he could hold his ground and help me with his mother. But it’s more fun to play pitiful victim.

He can list all the things he’s done to change (I don’t have that talent, I’ve tried) and how I’ve done nothing, I won’t even acknowledge my part in the demise and continuing demise of our marriage. Now I feel guilty. Am I being too hard?, should I be trying? He got a minimum wage job, doesn’t have a car or phone, and reminds me often that I have a few extra phones. So now I feel guilty. He is after all my spouse, should I provide him a phone?

He hasn’t even been served separation papers. He hides and then I get bitched at for trying to have him thrown in jail…….what the hell is he talking about? (child support I assume) But now I feel guilty for something I didn’t even know I was doing. I am getting too snippy about my stepsons parents in front of him, so then I feel guilty. I take his iPhone away and he uses it to text her all day, now I feel guilty.

I was told (many times) by my darling husband that you only feel guilt when you have a reason to feel guilty. So………what I’m doing must be wrong cause I feel guilty, but my gut says don’t you dare walk into that trap. I get pissed at him (he is a chronic liar) but he’s so convincing that he’s being honest that now I feel guilty for accusing him of lying.

But that’s his weapon. Guilt. Why am I so sensitive to guilt? And he’s very good at it. For every issue I could point out, he can counter it in a hot second with a more pitiful issue or downplay my complaint to the point where I feel guilty for even mentioning it.

Rent is high- at least you have a home

Kids are driving me nuts- yeah, I really miss my kids

Cars acting funny-at least you have a car

You called me a whore-you shouldn’t have acted sneaky

I didn’t leave for days-I always was honest about where I was and what I was doing

So was I- but you lied that one time when you claimed to be going downtown and weren’t at work

Cause I couldn’t tell you the truth-you weren’t really going downtown, you just said what came to mind first.

You were in my face and I was scared- you can’t keep holding the past against me. OR you weren’t scared. You were intimidated, there’s a difference.

My gut tells me he’s lying about where he’s at, what he’s doing, who it’s with……but he’s SO convincing that in the end, I feel guilty for jumping to conclusions.

Maybe I should hire a PI for just a few days if only to prove to MYSELF I’m not completely crazy yet. And maybe, just maybe, find out that my “gut instincts” (that have been lost for so long) really are back and reliable.

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