That’s A Wrap!

When they no longer need you for anything; that’s it. Nothing. No calls. No texts. No goodbye. That’s just it. You can feel it in your heart or soul or whatever. The emptiness. And that’s what came to mind………

You’re standing there and you find out you were on a movie set and he was just an actor. And just like a movie, it was never going to go on for a lifetime. He knew that, you didn’t. He already turned the lights out, shut the door, and is making another movie. While your head is still reeling from finding out he’s just an actor.

Twenty Years From Now, Twenty Years Ago

I was at work a few days ago and having a hard time focusing, thinking, interacting, ect (I understand this to be part of PTSD) I had a co-worker who is not aware of the current events taking place in my life, she just could tell it was a bad day. She was talking and she kinda chuckled and said you have to think “will this matter in 20 years?” I told her “yes, it will very much matter”. The lives of multiple people will be forever changed because of the last 4.5 years. It’s hard to comprehend.

It dawned on me today that maybe it would have been nice to get this life lesson earlier in my life. (like maybe 20 years ago?) It didn’t take long for my thoughts to realize no, if this had happened to me 20 years ago I would not have survived. I simply would not have lived through it. I wonder how many people have died by their own hands trying to escape from someone who has them emotionally and mentally held hostage? There were times months ago where my hope floundered and I thought this would never end; he’d own me forever. I thought about taking my life just to escape from it, many times. My daughter is the ONLY reason I didn’t. My boys have a good dad and great family on his side, I never have to worry about that. My daughter has virtually no one. He’d raise her……or he wouldn’t and she’d become property of the state. I think my son saw this in me and said to me “Mom, if anything happens to you, I’m taking her and running away. Hope you’re ok with that. I won’t let him raise her.” That alone was a realization that it wasn’t just me who could see me losing hope. So I finally “broke free”…………..

The thing about sociopathic people is they show their true colors much brighter AFTER you leave them. The verbal, mental, emotional assaults were almost unbearable. Every single day. Always hearing what a hard time he’s having because of me, how he’s hungry and struggling because of me….not once did it fucking dawn on him that it was ME with six children by myself. You KNOW you had to be a real fuck up for someone to be willing to raise 6 kids alone over staying with your crazy ass!

But everyday was a struggle, everyday is still a struggle. Fighting to keep my job, fighting to cry enough, but not too much, to keep myself somewhat together in front of the kids. I tolerate nothing. I have zero reserve for anymore stress. I am no fun, I rarely laugh, I live this nightmare every day, all day. All while still being jerked around on a string by this egotistical maniac who wants to change so badly one day and then “washes his hands of me” the next. For months now. Up and down. I’m drained overly dry. It wasn’t long ago, not long at all, I got my “ducks in a row”. Except for my baby girl. There are only two people I’d want to raise her; but you can’t exactly say “hey, take my daughter if I turn up dead.” One I’ve casually said it to and the other saw her born (and now you know). Yes, I’ve been on that edge closer than ever. Yes, I made a plan that wasn’t going to fail. 20 years ago, I’d be gone by now. However, as much as I struggle and fight, I’ve lived long enough now to know that it might be 5 years or 15 years from now, but one day I’ll laugh, have fun and be happy again. One day my heart and my brain will be free. (It also helped a lot knowing he’d make sure he was the torn up and pitiful widow before his first anniversary. Knowing he’d milk it for himself forever and I refuse to give that to him!)

So here I am. Taking advantage of the “good days” and realizing I can’t stop the “bad days” so I allow myself that time. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of the last 4 years. At least by then it won’t be all consuming anymore.


Open Letter to the Rest of the World

It seems as though I have people in my life that think I write this for them. Well, I don’t. I’ve been told stop writing everything and “move on”. Stop talking about it so much, it really just needs to be put in the past so you can “move on”. Yeah, what an asshole, you need to drop him and “move on”.

I have a crazy idea, how about shut up and let me grieve and hurt and “move on” at my own pace and just support me while I do. I didn’t realize I was on a time limit. I didn’t know that after 4 1/2 years, that a few months would be all I needed to just “move on”. And still……..nobody understands. Does anyone seem to get that he can smell my loneliness and desperation for interaction……and makes it that much harder for me to “move on”.? It only serves to further isolate ourselves. Do you want to know who I talk to MOST, my husband and his EX-wife!! <<<< how fucked up is this shit?!? The ex that he was telling all of our business to, the ex he tried to go back to more than once, including the month we started fertility treatments. The ex that he swore he only discussed their son most of the time, the ex that didn’t bother to tell me any of this. He created the perfect triangulation and she was a willing, although unknowing perfect flying monkey. And THIS is who I talk to most because I have her son. And him because well, he’s my husband, and I don’t have a plethora of people on speed dial. I’m kinda pissed off that everyone has the nerve to tell me to “move on”. Is this when I am given the proper time allotment? I need to know. This is my first split from a sociopathic, manipulative, lying, asshole. I’ll know the rules better next time.

I still go through spells where I can leave and then spells where I can’t leave these walls. He mocks me, tells me I don’t have anxiety or PTSD; cause I was just as abusive. It “went both ways”. And here I am again……..almost the same nightmare, but at least it’s not all the time, right? And here I go, questioning if I’m the crazy one. I call him out on lies and he makes the million dollar “you’re a nutcase” speech to convince me that what I’m seeing is wrong.

It’s cool. When one of the “experts” finds some spare time, they can fill me in on the rules. And then I guess I’ll easily glide right into “moving on”.

The Pathological Liar

This concept doesn’t make sense to me. He lies and lies and tells more lies. When presented with evidence on the contrary, he can come up with anything to say that counteracts or invalidates what you are plainly showing him. It’s a skill beyond my comprehension. Some people say they believe their lies and some say they know exactly what they are doing; I guess both exist. I do think he knows why he’s lying, it’s just not possible for him to tell the truth. I even offered him a large chunk of money just to tell me the truth about anything I asked. He said “as much as I could use that money, I don’t lie to you, I always tell you the truth you just don’t believe anything, so there’s nothing to say” Wow. I confronted him last night with something I had proof about and he argued that I was “being played” and to believe whatever I wanted if it made me feel better about being so naive. 

I was sitting here thinking “how does somebody not feel terribly guilty about all the lies and more lies to cover those lies? Hell, I feel guilty because I forgot $6 in cash for my sons teacher this morning.”

And then it made more sense. While at the same time amazingly scary. Someone was able to figure me out early enough to know exactly what emotion is my weakest and use it wholeheartedly to their advantage. Over and over and over again for over four years. It almost makes me want to crawl in a box and never share myself with anyone ever again. 

I’ll never have all the answers. Maybe some of them I’m better off not knowing. At this point, I can only go with my gut instinct, which is wrong sometimes. So what I think might not be right either. I hate being lied to.  Ironically, he hates being accused of lying. He started saying that early on in our relationship, easily makes one believe that he’s an honest person……when he is 100% the exact opposite. 

The Game Changed

So I’m at the tail end of a new game. Once again, one I was too stupid to realize I was playing. He figured out the old game wasn’t going to work. That he was indeed not coming back here. So he completely changed the game and tactic. He continues to take advantage in every way he can through guilt, perceived obligations and basic human jealousy.

He hadn’t seen his kids in a month and not without me trying. He said he was too busy getting himself together right now; he’d see them “soon”. I told him I was taking the building apart and needed to know how to take down something. He immediately had the day off and would love to come see his kids. 😠 Convenient. I didn’t play ball that day, everytime I thought about it he’d piss me off again. But of course, true to his style, he made ME feel guilty for not going to get him so he could see them. I had only asked him many times in the last month but he knows exactly how to turn this opportunity that he’s asking for against me.

Otherwise, he’s doing great. 🙄 He isn’t drinking or doing drugs or sleeping around. Well, I’m almost positive he’s drinking. He only confesses and apologizes when he’s drunk. And last night was one of those times, complete with the horrible misspelling in text. He’s getting a place to live next week, next week, next week. Everything is “next week”. We’ll see. Also claims it isn’t in with someone else, I guess we’ll see if that’s true eventually as well. He also knows I’m against a wall when it comes to weekend childcare. Before it was, he wanted so desperately to help with his kids. Now it’s, “well you did this to yourself.” He’ll help “when he can”.

I’m tired of hearing the sad pitiful story. Do I know how much he’s had to walk to find a job? Do I know how hungry he’s been? Do I know how sad and lonely he is? But HEY! He’s learning to “be a better person”. Handle life and cope better. And not tell such “embellished” stories. Right. He couldn’t decide this BEFORE our marriage went to shit? No, of course not, because it just sounds good out loud.

Wasted Intelligence 

My husband is so freakin smart. He could do anything. He just can’t stay on one path long and accomplish anything. Three years ago, after we talked about it, he wanted to go to college. He was so determined and he swore he was going to finish because “everyone always expects him to fail”, “everyone thinks he can’t accomplish anything” and he was going to prove EVERYONE WRONG! He started in the summer, and it wasn’t easy I’m sure. He spent most of his time studying and made it to the next semester. He spent all his time studying still and I really just wanted a little help in the house. I was too needy, the kids were too loud, he couldn’t study in the house. So he had the remarkable idea to make an office out of a building in our back yard. I’ll tell you, he went into that building for two years and never came out the same. He’d stay out there all night studying sometimes, and at one point he was so tired of my “neediness” that he decided to just live out there. Haha!! He made a nice little shack out back and damn if he didn’t stay there most of the time. I was pregnant and extremely depressed. Gosh, I can’t figure why…..

He was such an ass to me. He’d tell me to “shoo” he didn’t have time for my crap. Go cry somewhere else. Come back when I was stable. Leave him the fuck alone, go away, quit being so needy. I was convinced it was me and just having wild pregnancy hormones. After I had the baby, I’d be normal and he’d be nice to me again……? Sure. No, he still stayed out there, and I figured new baby, postpartum stress, it would be ok soon. Soon never comes with him.

When he began failing school “it was me that had it planned out for him”. I was the one that thought he should go to school. I couldn’t figure out why he was failing when he spent 20 hours a damn day studying!

He got an idea for a Facebook app and talked one of his classmates into doing the project with him. At first it was a few hours a week, and then a few hours a day, and then one Thursday he left. Just left. Said he’d be back in a week. That he and his partner HAD to finish this app NOW! I was still stuck on how he JUST LEFT! You don’t just decide to leave your family for a week!!! I was never letting him come back, that was it, he crossed the line, I was done.

A week later he came flying in with a huge smile and oh how much he missed “his favorite girls” and justified himself full force. In the end I obviously didn’t leave him. He promised he’d never do that again and he was sorry………sure. But they finished their app. And it actually worked, I was truly happy for him, and proud of him. But that became ALL he focused on!! That was it. Failed out of school, blamed me of course. They worked on that app for two and three days straight. I just wanted a real partner, but that was me being selfish and not letting him have hopes and dreams. So I felt……….guilty.

That fucking app went on for awhile, got popular, but he didn’t know how to act and was cocky and arrogant to the people that used it. Half of them quit just because he was such an unstable jerk. He convinced (himself only) everyone that he was going to be rich, he’d finally “made it”, we’d never have to worry about money again and promised the kids we’d go to Disney World for Christmas. One of the MANY he broke to those kids. They all learned to simply blow him off.

Needless to say that didn’t happen. And he wasn’t real happy and it was everyone else’s fault, including mine cause I expected too much from him. That fucking app destroyed my family.(it would have been something else) but that’s how I saw it and still see it. He is so smart he could have really done something amazing, but he expects instant glory and fame. He wants the success and attention and he wants it NOW!

The same is true of people. He wants compliance, trust, loyalty, love, care, concern……..even after he’s the one that fucked up……..but he wants it NOW. There is no rebuilding, there is no repairing, there is no time taken to heal old wounds. He wants you to love and cherish him again and he wants it NOW! And when you don’t, you clearly become part of the carnage he’s left behind.

Nothing New To See Here

He won’t bother to make a plan to see his children. I ask him, too much in fact. Oh, he’s just been busy…..working his ass off. He’s gonna have a phone and car in the morning. And “his own” place in six days! Yes, I made the shitty comment “you wanted to see your kids all the time when you wanted to get laid”……..his reply? He’s in therapy and his therapist advised he stop. LMFAO!!!!!! I wonder if his “therapist” will also live at his “own place”? But he hasn’t seen his kids in almost a month. Did his “therapist” advise that too. What a jackass!

I believe nothing; and I mean NOTHING he says anymore. He probably already got fired from his job for being an asshole. He’s one of those people that come in and decide how everything is going to be done RIGHT from now on. Or he wants to make a webpage for everyone under the sun 🙄

I’m actually glad I can be a sarcastic bitch about it sometimes. I’m sure I’ll cry again like a girl. But at least I have these moments 😉 He texts me a lot less and I care a lot less and so I guess that’s a step in the right direction. I know my head is still all fucked up and will be for awhile. I just wish he’d pretend to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIS KIDS! 😡