There’s another side of the coin I haven’t even touched on. If they can manipulate the ones closest to them, imagine what they can do when it comes to your friends, your family, your co-workers, and anyone else they see fit. That begins to play into your “compliance”. When you watch them in action working against you it is known as the “smear campaign”. They play the victim and they play it well. I’ve heard him talking to other people about me, I’ve watched him lie to the police about me. Hell, I’d probably think I was crazy too (oh wait, that DID happen). As you pull away, you’ll see them getting friendlier with your support system. That’s hard to watch, and I remember days I’d cry or be in constant fear over which friend I’d “lose” today. I’m over that. Either you believe me or you don’t, I don’t even care anymore.
It’s not just your friends and family you have to worry about. I was in a meeting with my therapist and domestic violence counselor, both I’d been seeing for a few months. He had left, wouldn’t tell me where he was, claimed to have all this money and I still had his son here with me. The therapist said at this point someone should be getting CPS involved because he “abandoned” his son. But they both agreed the odds were pretty good that he could possibly manipulate the social workers and it could actually end up being me on the chopping block. Let me interject that i don’t do anything to endanger my kids, but he would put my mental stability in question. (I had a lawyer tell me later that calling CPS was not warranted) I also remember telling another person at Family Services I’d answer to whatever authority figures I had to at a later time, but for now the last thing this child needed was more social workers in his life.
He said to me OFTEN, that everyone else might think I’m this nice and wonderful person, but he lives with me and he knows better. He knows the “real” me and he knows who I really am and everyone would be shocked to learn I’m not the sweet person they think I am. He said that to me a lot. I can’t stress that enough. He told me once (about two inches from my face) he would ruin me, he would take me down, he would make sure everyone knew the “real” me and he would take away this “good girl” image everyone has of me. “Making me your enemy was probably one of the worst things you could have done, you do know that right?!?!” All I could do was say yes, I believed every word he said.
He would get mad at me and threaten to tell (the boys dad) whatever it was he had “on me” at the time. Once he said “he might be interested to know all the pills you take.” I said WHAT?!?? I was on ambien because I worked night shift and that was the only way I could sleep and I think I had a few left over Xanax from an older prescription (when one of my kids was hospitalized). So I guess “pills” could be said and over-exaggerated a bit. However, I knew my ex would know better, he was with me long enough to know me. (But then again, he could convince anyone of almost anything) I could talk about all the damn “pills” I am on now just to deal with this fool!! He DID get mad at me once and told my ex something that had life altering, forever damaging results. He would never acknowledge the impact of what he had done. NEVER. He justified himself for four more years and placed all the blame with me. I don’t want to think about that anymore.
So when you read that they can ruin someone, they really CAN and are perfectly willing to if it means making them look better, if it means they can play victim another day. He posted almost hourly on Facebook for awhile about emotional abuse, being an abuse victim, freeing himself, ect, ect. I read an article that said how to tell who the true victim is and who the true abuser is and THAT was one of the examples listed. The abuser will go overboard and be more than willing to talk about it, the victim is usually not nearly as open. I only told my father because it was 5am and I knew he’d be up, my husband had been in and out of the room getting more drunk and aggressive each time he came in. So I sat here in the dark and sent my dad a text that basically said I was scared, I was alone and I was sure the next time he came into the room he was going to hit me. I just needed someone to be awake with me, even if only through text.
He uses his victim card to get money from people, to get rides to wherever, to get places to stay. He plays the victim. Wonderful husband tossed out of his home into the street and tricked into giving up his kids by his horrible, cheating wife. I can’t roll my eyes far enough anymore. He’s crazy.