Panic Attack #3

He was at the house this weekend watching two of the kids so I could go to work. I don’t like it and I don’t feel comfortable, but I have few choices. I came home after 12 hours of work and all I wanted was my routine. But it was all thrown off; he was in “my” chair, with the baby asleep (and of course she was up bright eyed at 4am) I didn’t want to talk to him. So I just came to my room and got in bed. I was texting a friend and I could hear his footsteps and he came to the door and with that damn same voice (I know you think that’s crazy sounding) he asked what’s wrong, what did he do, what can he get me, please tell him what’s wrong, why I’m not talking…..giving me the fake puppy dog look of care and concern. I didn’t answer. But he stood there and I felt myself go right back to the nights of endless lectures. It’s a defeating feeling you can’t describe. I can almost feel my soul go hide, and I heard it all in my head, he’s fussing cause I won’t talk and he’s telling me all the great things he’s done today or he’s giving me the educated lecture on how adults are supposed to have a conversation and I needed to act like one and give him answers. I saw it all playing out in my head, just like the two times before. And he just stood there looking at me and I had already gone back to that place of feeling like death would be better than this. I finally said how long are you going to stand there? And he walked away. My heart pounding, my mind racing, my anxiety through the roof and I just wanted to run. It reminds me of that old show Quantum Leap. You’re right there one minute and something triggers the universe to instantly suck you into a whole different time and you see all of it playing out the way it had, except this time it’s in fast forward. I never understood until it happened to me. I didn’t see it coming. It’s been 3 or 4 months and I did not see it coming at all.

  

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