Panic Attack #2

How many will I have to have before I can no longer number them? I don’t want to find out. So #2, it was through text, he made a comment about spanking me. Yes, it was in a sexual connotation. No, I really didn’t give a shit. Until I realized he was dead serious. And I said you actually want to hurt me. His reply basically in a nutshell; I was a mean bitch and deserved it, and spanking my ass to the point where I “wouldn’t forget it for a few days” was turning him on. 😳 I even clarified AGAIN “you actually WANT to hurt me?” Yep. << that was his reply.

Next thing I knew I was curled up on the kitchen floor barely able to catch my breath thrown back to a scene that happened one morning months ago. I described what we were wearing and how I felt. All I wanted to do was get out of the room. But he would stand in front of me and tell me “I’m not stopping you from walking out”. And he’d just keep on and on about how I had to talk to him….when I would get nervous I’d get mocked. “There’s no camera here. You can stop pretending like you’re gonna win an Emmy”. All I wanted to do was get out. Why I was triggered back to THAT memory I have no idea. There were so many of those moments. Wanting to run, but not being able to move. It took about 45 minutes and Valium to make it stop.

Does this just get worse with time? Just one little thing and a whole cascade of events happen in my head and it won’t stop. From the outside it sounds crazy.

I asked him once (within the last month) why has he never hit me……..his reply? Because I don’t like jail.

One thought on “Panic Attack #2

  1. They know how to destroy us without hitting us. My husband never laid a hand on me but he did everything else imaginable. The yelling, screaming, name calling, isolation, and the one that did the worst damage to me was starving me. It was the most inhumane behavior and it nearly made me go crazy. He enjoyed eating in front of me knowing I was starving. I would sometimes beg him please can we get just a little bit of groceries because I was so hungry; he would laugh in my face and walk away. They are evil clever b-st-rds. Be safe dear.❤

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