My husband came over tonight, it’s New Year’s Eve afterall and we’ve been “getting along”. He got irritated that the two year old wanted something and I was busy. It was a small split second typical reaction from him, and he even cut it down himself. But it triggered a whole cascade of torture I never saw coming. I immediately heard him yelling at me about me not watching the baby, and why am I acting scared; he doesn’t see any cameras, or I can’t be scared because my body language, jugular veins, whatever weren’t in line with my “over dramatic reaction”, so I just kept moving, cleaning up trying to make it stop. But it wouldn’t and so I went in my room and sat on the bed, and I heard his footsteps coming and then all i could hear was how I was being a crybaby, attention seeking, acting ridiculous crying in the corner of my room and then I realized the baby was alone in the living room and he’d be bitching at me about that soon too. And he’d tell me how I wasn’t really scared and I was just faking this overly dramatic show…….and I just could not make my head stop it. I was shaking and crying and could barely breathe. And even I thought it was ridiculous. And all I had in me were the words “this is what you’ve done to me, and I thought I was ok.” He seemed upset that I was reacting that way (not that his past actions were the reason, but that I was having this reaction to him just getting a little agitated)
He left. Thank god.
But really? THIS is what I have to live with? For how long? When is it going to happen again? And why? When am I going to stop crying? Our trauma gets downplayed too much. This shit is very very real 😥