I wrote this exactly a month and 4 days ago. I summed it up perfectly.
This is my story………..believe it or don’t.
I have been through hell. I don’t need your validation or acceptance of that. For me, this has been my hell. I’ve walked across a war field guarding 6 children while having hundreds of tiny daggers thrown at me.
Everyday was a game of strategy. What is the war tactic today? And what is the goal? It changed daily, sometimes more than once. It took me 3.5 years to realize I was in a game.
Were there red flags? Of course. I put them in a box and hid it away. Why? Because “love is blind” and I loved him deeply.
There is no defining moment when your brain becomes the prisoner of someone else. But rather a slow takeover of moving you out and moving themselves in. A painful process of eroding you until you actually believe what they want you to believe.
It would take me too long to go through everything I’ve been through and explain why it worked to keep me his. But I have been in hell for 4 years literally being “mind-fucked” down to this person I do not know. I have never met this person.
He didn’t marry me because he loved me. He married me because he was in love with the illusion of being normal. He knows he’s fucked up in the head. I promise.
When we got married he became a monster. He owned me. And he was no longer afraid to be himself.
Why do abusers immediately decide that you are cheating?? Because they are so deeply afraid of being abandoned once you find out they are not real that they create a scenario that makes you so horrible that it becomes THEIR idea to leave YOU. And the scariest part is they believe everything they say. 200%
I’ve been verbally abused. I’ve been emotionally abused. I’ve been mentally abused. I actually prayed he would hit me. That is concrete enough to KNOW you’re being abused. Not this unsure, unconfident, guilt ridden, questionable reality that they have built custom tailored for you.
He was my best friend. He cooked dinner most nights. He kept the house clean because I worked. He helped the kids with their homework. He built forts in the woods with them. He had bonfires with them. He played with them. He took them fishing. He planned family outings for all of us. He made life FUN. And he loved us all.
And then he disappeared. They became annoying, undisciplined, unruly brats. And it was all their mothers fault. I became overly emotional, too needy, “crazy”.
So why wouldn’t I try so hard to get the man I fell in love with back?? He’s been gone for a very long time. And he chipped away my authority, my ability to parent, my children’s respect. Because they heard often how I wasn’t doing it right AT ALL.
From the time I KNEW I had to get away; it took me 3 more months. Three more months of psychological hell. He even told me during one of his drunken narcissistic rages “you don’t want me to be your enemy, you have no idea what I’m capable of..” I believe him.
But abuse is a cycle and he always came back “changed”, it was wonderful to see him back to his happy self with the kids and they loved it and then eventually the black curtain always came down and the real man always came back. You will never understand how much you want to believe what your eyes are seeing will be true.
I am damaged. I’ve been yelled at so much I can’t handle the boys fighting. I’ve been put down so much it triggers anxiety to hear one of the kids call another one a name. I’ve been scared of cars pulling in, of hearing a door close behind me, of being told “I need you to talk to me”. I’ve been ripped apart, and not allowed to pull myself together. I can’t even leave my house. I don’t want to go outside these walls.
I do not want sympathy; this was my bed. I do not need validation; my fears were downplayed enough, my tears and my pain was mocked enough……I know what I’ve been through. And the whole time I was told how much I was over reacting and being so damn dramatic.
I made it across the battlefield. Only to realize the other side is hell too. Because now it’s ALL an uphill battle. Survey the damage and pick up the pieces.
At least in a cycle there are glimpses of the man I loved. But we all grew to expect him to react any minute. The minute he’d start yelling at me, the boys ran away. I still see my daughter crying for me and he BLOCKED HER so I couldn’t see her!! Many times.
I hate him for what he has done to my head and to these kids. I hate myself for letting him.
Don’t bash him to me. Don’t talk bad about him to me. It does me no favors. Part of me still loves him. Part of me still wants to save him. And part of me feels so sorry for him. But that’s my weight to let go of.
When someone can make you feel like 6 feet under is your only escape; they’ve done something to you that will scar you forever. My daughter has kept me alive. And that is the truth. This is not a typical divorce. I have to mourn my marriage………….I also have to mourn love I never really had, a man who never really existed, things my kids have seen and heard that I can’t remove from their memories, and realize that they loved him too. I have to find another me, cause this one won’t do. I have to be strong for them, I have to help my stepson who has TWO selfish, self serving parents. I will fight to keep him too, because it’s what I feel in my heart as the right thing to do.
This is going to be a long winter for me and my world is a dark, dark place. I am depressed. And I don’t have to ask a dr, I know what PTSD looks like. I still endure the lies about me, the raging messages and texts, the humiliating fb rants. And I know it’s far from over. If you really want to see inside my world look up narcissistic sociopath…….
I can’t do this alone. If I have 20 friends, I can’t drain the life out of just a few. (I know what it’s like to have that one exhausting friend and I don’t want to be that) But if given too much space I’ll continue to question if what I thought was real is really what happened. (“Gas lighting” is a very effective and damaging tactic. And it doesn’t go away over night)