Devaluing

There comes a point when you have to face what you already know. It becomes clearer and clearer just how soulless they are. You can deny it and they will just keep feeding off of you. They will take everything that you value, including what you value about yourself. The two things I’m proud of the most~

1) My ability to be a good mother. I have every mothering gene that any female in my family didn’t get for the last decade. I’m not a perfect one, don’t get me wrong. But I do believe I’m intuitive as hell when it comes to kids. He took that from me. Slowly, everything is slowly, so you don’t notice. The subtle comment here and there to the obvious comment here and there to the downright degrading of me in front of my own kids, who have naturally and understandably have less respect for me. When they’ve heard it too for so long it becomes a question for them as well……..maybe my mom IS a bad mom. I do think this is one of the reasons my 5 year old is a pint sized monster.

2) My nursing degree. I didn’t go to college and get a degree and then get married and have kids. I had a disabled child, lived in the hospital most of the first year and was tethered to multiple doctors and therapists for more years. I went to school and my ex-husbands father helped support us while I did. Yes, I owe that man a lot for giving me the ability to be independent. We separated in my last year and I finished nursing school a single mom of two boys and guardian of my wild 15 year old sister. That slowly became devalued as well. First it was jokingly “yeah, your father in law paid all the bills. Haha” and then not so jokingly “how hard can it be, you only work 2 or 3 days a week. Most of us dont get that luxury” and eventually “you can’t possibly have any bedside manner, you’re such a cold selfish bitch” My confusion often lied in his mocking of me for having help getting through college when he was in school and it was ME paying all the bills and taking care of everything while he studied……

  

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