I’m a sociopath. I look like everyone else. You can’t pick me out of a crowd. You can’t discern my motives in a conversation. I blend. I absorb. I survive. I become anything and everything you need me to be. I never raise a suspicion. I just… exist there, in your memory, your mind. And […]
I want to start by saying I love my stepson. I’ve moved mountains for him and will continue to do so. I’ve seen him transform and mature the less he is around his father. I have gone out of my way, put my ass on the line, whatever you want to call it, to make sure he stays RIGHT HERE! He deserves stability and he deserves to be with his sister and step brothers. All I want for him is stability. He knows how to lie, and who to lie to, he knows how to keep secrets and who has his trust. He understands the manipulative circular conversations, the never ending questions, the over analyzed body movements. He shouldn’t understand or know ANY OF THIS!!!
Anyway, my dear husband has never “moved a damn rock” for my children. Much less a mountain. And I do believe last night he jumped right on over to the other side of the tracks when he decided to go as low as he could………first off; my oldest is mentally disabled, the next likes my little pony, the next has ADHD and the next is having behavioral issues (no thanks to this bastard)…….he says some shit blah blah blah about my kids…..well read it for yourself
“I hope you get everything you deserve. go take care of you drug addict and whore sisters – maybe they will help you take care of your homosexual and mentally deficient children? im sure that will help … you can always hold high your darling princess as retribute – the ONLY kid you have that you made with someone that saved you from a long streak of genetic fucked upness … is that blame? or truth? wait … it came from me, so … i guess you can place that wherever the hell you want.”
I’m sorry……WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME??!?!? 😡
The only mentally deficient “person” I see around here is him.
I tend to think I can set a boundary and stick to it. HOWEVER, he will find a way around it, whether it’s over, under, whatever. Eventually (and usually not gradually) i find myself in the same damn conversations. Didn’t you just hate me a few weeks ago? Wasn’t it 2 days ago that you were keeping me at “arms length”? Haven’t you been saying for three weeks that your plan is to get into some sobriety house/home place? So WHY are we having the SAME circular conversation about “us” and “our marriage”…..? Why are you asking ME what you should do?? Last I heard, you were convinced I had the last place keeping you longer than you wanted to stay. And I “tricked” you into going in the first place. And wasn’t it you saying that you needed to “hide” from me? Why in the hell would I jump in that boat again?
Why are they impossible to let go of? It’s been two months since he left (because I initiated the separation) and yet I’m still getting used and manipulated. I’m still crying when I should be better. But everytime I feel better, it’s like he just knows it and fucks it up for me. They are just SO DAMN CONVINCING, and you think, I’d hate to give up if he really means it THIS TIME. But I think I’ve been cut loose, he’s just waiting for me to let go. Although he’d NEVER say that. I have zero self respect. I have zero dignity. Am I just that fucking stupid? I find it almost impossible to believe this can be real.I find it impossible to believe people with no souls exist, and even less believable that I fell in love with one of them. I need to get away and have someone take away my contact with the outside world. I don’t see me doing this alone.
And yeah, I feel very alone.
Sadly, I believe the answer is yes. I’ve spent four years taken down, crying and just knowing this time was the end and I needed to face that. Then he’d come back and declare how much he loved us and we just have to make this work. Until next time I was crying and hurt and facing that THIS was the real thing this time. And he’d come back nicer, happier, ready to truly work this out……
For four years. The depressing despair to the sudden rush of endorphins…he really DOES love us and he really is here and this isn’t the end!! Even once I got used to it, that rush of relief remained the same. I came to see that “this time” really wasn’t the end. And he’d be back. But that low to sudden high became a way of normal.
It doesn’t matter if it’s telling me a bunch of lies, cussing me out or declaring his love….it still is a “relief” to see the bridge. Maybe most people don’t confess to that because no one understands, and our friends and family only see an abusive man that you need to run from and when you don’t or find it more difficult than they think it should be; then you’re told “you must enjoy it” and “stop complaining to me about it when you won’t even do anything”. I imagine it’s very frustrating.
Its just me. Just me and six kids and I know what i would tell me, but if you think about it……it’s easier to get that relief and see the bridge just to keep functioning for them, than it is to do what I SHOULD and have to 1) find the willpower 2) fall apart for a few days in front of them. I’ve done that enough. And most importantly; THEY WON’T LET YOU LEAVE.
I used to have friends. Now I just feel alone, while he’s getting drunk with his buddies! 😡 To hell with him, geez, my whole life is consumed whether I want it to be or not!
Want to see how this cycle of madness works?
This is the story; he’s hoping to get into this home where he simply can’t drink and they do intensive outpatient therapy. He’ll let me know when he knows.
What if it’s true? What if he goes somewhere and gets “help”?…..(hold on, didn’t we do this three weeks ago!) Yeah, but he didn’t feel like that place was helping him and they just kept him overly sedated. (no….he wanted to drink and so he left) Well, he IS my husband and the father of my daughter. (and he’s NOT around acting like either one) Maybe he finally really DID hear what I’ve been saying and he really does see he needs help. (that’s what he said three weeks ago too) Maybe he REALLY does love us as much as he says he does. (this is what he’s done to me…he giveth and he taketh away) When did this become “normal”?
This explained it wonderfully……
Everytime I think I’m “ok” he swoops through to make sure I’m not. He was nearby up until a few days ago. I didn’t know he was running off AGAIN. He won’t tell me where he is because he “doesn’t trust me”. Haha!! Really? He trusted me just fine when he “conned” me into going over there to sleep with him. (I hate to say “conned”, it’s my fault, he knows that’s one of my weak points……..if he’d just keep his mouth shut!) Anyway, he’s vague about what he’s doing, what’s his plan, ect. He’s driving me bat shit crazy.
Tonight I did what I was supposed to do two months ago. Cut off all methods of communication. As long as he can get to me, he can get into my head. Period. That’s the way sociopaths work. If you think you’re immune; think again. He’ll be back in some aspect just as I start to feel normal again. Just when I can think clearer again; he’ll fucking be back!
Have you ever watched a cat catch a mouse? They play with it nonstop, tossing it between their paws until it’s dead. I feel like I’m that mouse. That’s what I’ve become. A toy to entertain. I’d like to pack all my shit and move to the other side of the country. It still wouldn’t be far enough.
He’s been very elusive the last several days. He’s “got a plan” to “fix his shit”. Ok, what “shit” might he be referring to? And what’s this plan? Oh, he doesn’t want to tell me because if it doesn’t work out, he doesn’t want to be called a liar yet again. Hey Einstein!!……..I wouldn’t call you a liar if I hadn’t caught you in so many of them. I do not believe there is a plan to do jack. I think he’s just being vague so he can go do what he wants to do under the disguise of “fixing his shit”. A trademark when he’s lying, be vague and say as little as possible.
Let me tell you; I am tired of his shit!! Two weeks ago (maybe three at this point) he was SO SORRY, and so ready to change and holy cow he saw the light and he finally realized he needed help…..to the point where he actually convinced me. I stupidly allowed myself to have a little faith in him. Now I laugh in that poor girls face (the one I was three weeks ago). He DID check in somewhere, signed himself out a week later, although he had started trying two days later, and then proceeded to tell everyone he needed to hide from me. He said TO ME he was done with me, had washed his hands of me, no longer had a single feeling for me except that he loathed me. I’ve never been so crushed by one single individual in my life! I believed him. It all felt too planned, too perfect, too calculated.
Well ok then. It’s funny how not even a week later he was ready to “redeem himself”. Just give him the chance to make it up to me. MOTHERFUCKER!! I gave you your chance two weeks ago! Now he’s never around, always “running errands”, and being oh so very vague. The best thing he could do for me would be to just go far, far away. I’ll never get a goodbye, I’ll never have closure, I’ll never work out an agreement about our daughter. THIS he will do to me forever.