I want to start by saying I love my stepson. I’ve moved mountains for him and will continue to do so. I’ve seen him transform and mature the less he is around his father. I have gone out of my way, put my ass on the line, whatever you want to call it, to make sure he stays RIGHT HERE! He deserves stability and he deserves to be with his sister and step brothers. All I want for him is stability. He knows how to lie, and who to lie to, he knows how to keep secrets and who has his trust. He understands the manipulative circular conversations, the never ending questions, the over analyzed body movements. He shouldn’t understand or know ANY OF THIS!!!
Anyway, my dear husband has never “moved a damn rock” for my children. Much less a mountain. And I do believe last night he jumped right on over to the other side of the tracks when he decided to go as low as he could………first off; my oldest is mentally disabled, the next likes my little pony, the next has ADHD and the next is having behavioral issues (no thanks to this bastard)…….he says some shit blah blah blah about my kids…..well read it for yourself
“I hope you get everything you deserve. go take care of you drug addict and whore sisters – maybe they will help you take care of your homosexual and mentally deficient children? im sure that will help … you can always hold high your darling princess as retribute – the ONLY kid you have that you made with someone that saved you from a long streak of genetic fucked upness … is that blame? or truth? wait … it came from me, so … i guess you can place that wherever the hell you want.”
I’m sorry……WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME??!?!? 😡
The only mentally deficient “person” I see around here is him.
Of all the stupid shit he said to me, this small bit remains my “favorite”. I laugh every time I see it. Realize that he’s drunk. He had left and was gone close to a month. A lot happened in that month.
I tend to think I can set a boundary and stick to it. HOWEVER, he will find a way around it, whether it’s over, under, whatever. Eventually (and usually not gradually) i find myself in the same damn conversations. Didn’t you just hate me a few weeks ago? Wasn’t it 2 days ago that you were keeping me at “arms length”? Haven’t you been saying for three weeks that your plan is to get into some sobriety house/home place? So WHY are we having the SAME circular conversation about “us” and “our marriage”…..? Why are you asking ME what you should do?? Last I heard, you were convinced I had the last place keeping you longer than you wanted to stay. And I “tricked” you into going in the first place. And wasn’t it you saying that you needed to “hide” from me? Why in the hell would I jump in that boat again?
Why are they impossible to let go of? It’s been two months since he left (because I initiated the separation) and yet I’m still getting used and manipulated. I’m still crying when I should be better. But everytime I feel better, it’s like he just knows it and fucks it up for me. They are just SO DAMN CONVINCING, and you think, I’d hate to give up if he really means it THIS TIME. But I think I’ve been cut loose, he’s just waiting for me to let go. Although he’d NEVER say that. I have zero self respect. I have zero dignity. Am I just that fucking stupid? I find it almost impossible to believe this can be real.I find it impossible to believe people with no souls exist, and even less believable that I fell in love with one of them. I need to get away and have someone take away my contact with the outside world. I don’t see me doing this alone.
And yeah, I feel very alone.
Sadly, I believe the answer is yes. I’ve spent four years taken down, crying and just knowing this time was the end and I needed to face that. Then he’d come back and declare how much he loved us and we just have to make this work. Until next time I was crying and hurt and facing that THIS was the real thing this time. And he’d come back nicer, happier, ready to truly work this out……
For four years. The depressing despair to the sudden rush of endorphins…he really DOES love us and he really is here and this isn’t the end!! Even once I got used to it, that rush of relief remained the same. I came to see that “this time” really wasn’t the end. And he’d be back. But that low to sudden high became a way of normal.
It doesn’t matter if it’s telling me a bunch of lies, cussing me out or declaring his love….it still is a “relief” to see the bridge. Maybe most people don’t confess to that because no one understands, and our friends and family only see an abusive man that you need to run from and when you don’t or find it more difficult than they think it should be; then you’re told “you must enjoy it” and “stop complaining to me about it when you won’t even do anything”. I imagine it’s very frustrating.
Its just me. Just me and six kids and I know what i would tell me, but if you think about it……it’s easier to get that relief and see the bridge just to keep functioning for them, than it is to do what I SHOULD and have to 1) find the willpower 2) fall apart for a few days in front of them. I’ve done that enough. And most importantly; THEY WON’T LET YOU LEAVE.
I used to have friends. Now I just feel alone, while he’s getting drunk with his buddies! 😡 To hell with him, geez, my whole life is consumed whether I want it to be or not!