July 12, 2015

July 12, 2015, Sunday
I got home from work and had planned to pick the boys up in the morning, which he immediately thought was “suspicious”. As soon as I walked in he wanted to “talk”. I was tired, 12 hours in the ER is a super long day. He gets pissed when you don’t reply back. He will define what a conversation is for you when he feels you should be talking as well. Mostly I sat there for an hour listening to him tell me what a selfish bitch I am, how I think I’m better than him, how I’m not in “emerywood anymore”. (One of his favorite saying), this went on and on., he tells me ALL THE TIME how much he hurts and it’s all my fault. But in my head i’m screaming out that a lot of that simply isn’t true! He likes to yell when there’s an audience; and all the windows were open that night and his friend was outside.

He says how he does all the cooking and cleaning (which is laughably untrue!) and how he’s cared for my kids, and done all this stuff “for me”. It’s exhausting and in the end I always end up caving in to feeling so guilty. Our daughter, who was one, was standing at the gate crying and it only took a few minutes of me realizing he wasn’t going to let me walk away and go comfort her and then I was in tears too. He of course made fun of me (a common occurrence when he’s berating me and I get upset).

I said she’s scared and so HE went and picked her up. She stopped crying and just looked at him, he said “oh look, she’s not scared. How good are your mommy instincts now? Huh? Maybe you aren’t the mommy you thought you were!” And so this new line of hell went on for awhile. I was crying and he kept on “why are you crying? You’re so dramatic. Who is watching? Huh? You trying to earn an Emmy? You can knock it off, you aren’t winning any acting awards”

I went into the bedroom with my daughter and changed, he followed me in there. I knew I’d be there awhile so I just sat down on the floor and put her in my lap and he sat down right in front of me too. He just kept on about me being sneaky and lying and what was I really doing. He would yell and I’d flinch. Then he’d yell at me because I flinched. “you’re not scared! Stop pretending you’re scared!” He said at one point in my face “how far are you going to let me get before you call the police?”

He told me he planned to make sure he “destroyed me”. He was going to “publicly ruin the good image that people had of me” And that he knew the “real me”, and that nobody else lived with me, they would be shocked to know “who I really am.” There have been many times that I would pray in my head the neighbors would hear him and call the police.

This went on for a long time and he was in my face not even 2 feet away with her sitting in my lap. She just buried her face in my arm and didn’t move 😞

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