Red Balloon

*you weren't planned, a surprise from the start, but I had to keep walking and not fall apart.  *I kept you a secret while i tried to think, but he acted so happy and my heart, it did sink.  *A decision to make, not something so small, you were not planned at this time, after … Continue reading Red Balloon

Can We Be Cordial

January 1st 2019 "I don't want us to be enemies. I am sorry I didn't do better by you ... Can we at least be cordial?" A random text, from a number I don't recognize. Clearly no name is given, no real hint at who it came from. I do know the area code is … Continue reading Can We Be Cordial

It’s Been Awhile

I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess I'll start with the "holy shit, not you again 🙄" story. This fucking idiot (the one I'm still legally married to) is about 6 states away. Why? Because he went up north to make his ex-wife's life hell, use the shit out of his son, and … Continue reading It’s Been Awhile

Finally Moving On

This will start out as a boring story, but stick with me........ It's been three years since I actually talked to a male long enough to develop any sort of interest, and I wasn't planning on it when it started about 7 weeks ago. We never did actually meet in person, although we actively made … Continue reading Finally Moving On

Remember

Yes, I do still think about you. I especially think about you on holidays. I think about how you always had to either ruin them or be the center of superb greatness. Like the Thanksgiving you cooked half the day, remember?- back when you were still showing me how perfect you were? Typically though, you … Continue reading Remember

The Sun On The Horizon

3+ years my child was falling down an endless well....... You don't have to look too far down the archive list to find that time when I just knew I had lost my youngest son forever. He hated me, he told me how he planned to kill me, my presence simply made him mad. He … Continue reading The Sun On The Horizon

Welcome My Son

I fucked up this mothering thing....a lot. I indirectly forced my child to grow up too fast. I leaned on him for support far more often than a standard teenager should be depended on for support. He has seen and heard things he will live with forever. He was the rock that I had in … Continue reading Welcome My Son

This Week

It feels inevitable now; Just when the light begins to shine brighter, an eclipse begins again. This was a bad week. This was a "hide the knives from the eight year old" week. This was a "holy shit, this can't be happening!" week. This was a "oh look, another fake profile just to remind me … Continue reading This Week

You Again?

It was almost a year ago that I had my last major ptsd flashback attack, until tonight. Triggered by the anger of my almost adult son. There I was suddenly back to 2015. Trying to quiet a child, trying not to look panicked, trying to keep busy......and this tiny little voice was trying to say … Continue reading You Again?

Just Go Away

The devil always comes back when he really really wants something. Did I mention his first request was on a Saturday? And that in his world, it's spelled attourney. I know, I thought he was smart at some point too. "Do you have papers?" No, I haven't had time or money to give a damn … Continue reading Just Go Away

Guess Who’s Back

.......and wants divorce papers. Hahahahaha!!! I just paid off my attorney from the 3 county wild goose chase to end up NOT having him successfully served for custody. Did he honestly think I'd chase him all over Georgia? However I politely replied that his state has attorneys as well, and I'd sign papers without any … Continue reading Guess Who’s Back

The Climb Continues

It seems like so long ago. But it still feels like yesterday. Some things have gotten better, some have gotten worse, and still some have stayed the same. I was thinking about it one night and I have been giving myself the "you'll heal with time" speech for a really long time now. So I … Continue reading The Climb Continues

I Can’t Find My Way Home

My children hate me. At least the youngest two, after all, they tell me all the time. Everyday. I think I’d hate me too. I’ve recently placed a word with it; disengaged. I used to be what I considered to be a really good mother. I stress “used to be”. I took for granted that … Continue reading I Can’t Find My Way Home

I Know You

I got a friend request from a bizarre profile on Facebook. Not the first time at all. But I wondered what had triggered this recent round of "let me screw with my wife". His birthday was a few days ago and someone I know felt the need to reach out and see how he was … Continue reading I Know You

Memory Lane…..literally 

I was working, which involves going to people's houses. I had been asked to go to a city a distance away and I wasn't at all happy about it. As I was getting closer though I realized I was headed straight for our old "stomping grounds". Where he lived, where his best friend lived, where … Continue reading Memory Lane…..literally 

Welcome Back

"What the fuck?" stopped covering it a long time ago. Seriously. I could ask myself "is he serious?" But the answer is always YES. So I got on a dating site awhile back......if you haven't done this and you actually want to meet a "nice guy", don't bother. If you are looking for A+ entertainment....go … Continue reading Welcome Back

The Past Is Your Home

     I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make sense out of something that will never be comprehensible. I am so out of touch with just about everyone in my life, or anyone that USED to be in my life. I don't know how to make it stop. It used to be … Continue reading The Past Is Your Home

Let’s Talk Dysfunction 

A few weeks ago I was sitting in my house and a few of the kids were nearby when my phone rang. I looked at it and thought my insides would hit the floor. I said "what the hell!?" "Omg!" "Holy shit!!" All the typical things I'm apt to say. Who was it? My "father … Continue reading Let’s Talk Dysfunction 

The Weight of the World

Maybe I was floating for a little while or maybe I was always drowning and just convinced myself I wasn't anymore. I don't know. But having a minute to think things were improving was nice while it lasted; real or not. I'm at a crossroads in my life that most people never have to face. … Continue reading The Weight of the World